I Am Not Doing So Well.

So maybe a couple of you remember I had mentioned my best friend dying, and I was working on a compliation for him. Well this happened two months or so ago, I found him with a syringe hanging out of each arm locked in his bedroom. Well a week before that, my cousin was murdered in PR in his front yard by mafia due to my uncles mistake. He got his own son murdered. Well today was the worst of it all. This is no fing joke… and I’m having a hard time accepting this. This morning we found my brother dead. He hung himself by a belt in the closet. I’m so fed up. I mean I wouldn’t bring this shit here normaly, but i have no friends to talk to. My girl just can’t believe how many people are dying around me and doen’t know how to talk to me. I’m so angry she is scared to aproach me I think and I’m trying to cool down. I’m just flipping out. I want to break some one’s neck. This is the worst four months i’ve had to deal with in a long time. IM SO fING ANGRY RIGHT NOW. I can’t contain myself. This is to much for me. I don’t know what to do or how to handle this shit man. What the f do I do? I’ve been trying to stuff it down and just be cool, but I’m loosing it really fast. I’m so broken. I’m not trying to draw attention, I just don’t know where else to go with this. I’m sorry guys. I’m just all fed up right now. I’m a fing crying angry pussy f****ing mess.

Sorry to hear about your friend.

I’d consider going to talk to a counselor. I’ve been to one in the past when you have emotional build up and you need a way to release.

There’s different types of counsellors so you’ll need to find one that’s right for you.

One that I found particularly good was an emotional release counsellor. They’re a little alternate, but they are not so clinical which is what I feel comfortable with. They used breath work to tap into the emotions and help free them as well as listening.

Seriously, it’s worth it.

BTW, counsellor is not a therapist.

You really need family around you now to cope with losing a friend. Death of a close one is not something you can easily cope with by yourself.

I’d agree to what groovyone says. Go to a counselor - maybe even one that works in public services like YMCA or something like that. Here in the board, you can write down what happened but there is not real interactivity, which means we cannot interrupt for questions or something.

You definetely need sb. to talk to and who knows how to deal with this mess. So really, visit some sort of social service.

At least, that’s what I’d do.

i wouldnt usually suggest this to anyone, but in your case i would ask you to attend a Narcotics anonymous meeting.
they will listen to you


ive been forced to go to them in the past, an sometimes hearing other ppls trouble makes you feel a bit better. plus they are free an full of f****ed up ppl they have some crazy stories.
find a group of them an randomly pick one.

you just got to remember not to tell anything that could possibly incriminate you…


you could download some trailer park boys episodes.
ricky julian, bubbles, mr lahey, randy gumby an f**** yo.
is some of the funniest shit ive ever seen!!!
it only shows on showcase in canada
canadian version of showtime

the cheesburger walrus^

^ Hey boys! we got a complaint that someones getting high an drunk playin space in the middle of the street! yeh, US im f****in stoned right now. you gotta problem with that?


oh yeah!! heres some on google video free full episodes! :)

Damn… :blink: Im really sorry about your brother. This one is pretty f****ed up indeed :( :(

Actually i have been thinking about suicide also from time to time… Its not that my life is so impossibly f****ed up or something, its just i tend to look at this whole “life” thing more philosophically and realise that we humans are so small and unimportant, running meaninglessly around on this tiny little planet called earth, having our own big probles etc etc… But if you look at it globally then our lives dont really have a meaning. Our planet and even our solar system makes so little sense int the whole universe. Its like you look at some anthill…

So i think about it… Is it really worth the living? get up in the morning, go to gym for workout, go to work, sit your ass off, come home, watch TV or something, go to sleep… and all over again. What even makes it worse is that you see all the violence, anger, deceiving, betraying etc etc ALL over the place
And it all happens in some little dot somewhere… and its just one galaxy on this picture… there are billions and billlons more like that…

I think its worth living if you really enjoy it. If you dont then you dont have to force yourself into it.
Actually sometimes what holds me back from taking my life is the pain of the people who are close to me, like my mom, dad, brother and some others… I think they wount understand it the way i see it and will be really upset and miseralbe.

Im terrybly sorry for your brother!!! but i think you have to look at it this way that he went to better place now and he can find the peace om mind that he couldnt find here…

I’ve coped with some shitty times during the whole 2005, and actually 2006 hasn’t gone really any way better, but never thought of suicide.

Life goes on, and other shit is to come, that’s for sure, but more happiness too.

We payed a ticket to take part to our life’s movie, and we don’t want to leave our sit until credits are over, aren’t we?

Ok, I admit I’ve been much more lucky than you: I never got involved into drugs, fights, and similar stuff, but I know what suffering is, and I also know a good medicine: make music!

Louis, don’t be sorry. I have no idea how I’d react if I was in your position, I don’t have a clue how it feels to live your life with so much shit going on around you, but I do know that the best way to cope with a mind out of control is to talk about it to somebody who actually will listen without letting their own problems take over the conversation.

No offence, rest of you guys. -_-

There’s no immediate solution to your mind riot, but try not to let your anger take over and ruin relations with the people you love… Your girlfriend is understandebly scared when you’re so angry, even though you have every right to be angry! Try to direct the anger towards something that won’t get you into trouble, not sure what but

And f**** suicide, that will only bring the world around you even further down.

We DO care, Louis. And we don’t even really know you… The world isn’t really that bad, behind all the f****ed up shit you’re going through! I’m deeply sorry about your brother, best friend and cousin, I grieve with you where I sit and sincerely hope you can find peace within yourself through your friends, family, girlfriend and your music!

i dont agree with that … It helps much better if you talk to people who have similar problems, they will understand you better and also you will see that you are not alone in this shit. Also if you see that a person having hard time can cope with that you will feel that you can too… it gives more strenght. If you talk to people who have ohh beatuful wonderful life with no problems then you will feel even more deeply in shit, like you are the only one having problems.

Of course, you’re right. Although, as long as the goody-people don’t gloat about their greatness and get all condencending it’s good. But genuine understanding is always best!

What I meant was that THEIR problems shouldn’t take over the conversation, or… Hm, maybe it helps sometimes to hear about other peoples problems, suddenly being set in a counceling position having to re-think your own problems?

Well, I have come up with a temporary solution for the moment. I’m going to go stay with my ex gf and her parents (they are the ones who got me and my brother off the streets and helped me when I got out of department of corrections with money for a place untill I could pay them back. My ex gf is the one who convinced me to turn myself in and deal with doing my time and stuff, without her I would still be on the streets robbing dealers and shit or dead. They care about me alot and are good support. I would absolutely be interested in seeing a counselor, but i have no insurance, but i do have a school counselor that I had to see when my friend blake killed himself. I think this will work for the time being untill I can calm down and figure out a way to get something constructive working. My current gf isn’t going to be too happy about me staying with my ex, but this shit ain’t about her. I need to do this correctly and deal with this shit the right way. They are always there for me and love me alot. I feel this will relieve alot of my tension and anger that I have right now. I’m just flipped. I have alot of shit to do for clients and school and I don’t want to mess it up. Thank you guys for the suggestions. They are highly appreciated and I’m glad you people are willing to give me some good advice.

You’re an awesome group. In the mean time, I’m going to work on some film or audio to take some edge off and clear my mind. I feel really creative right now for some odd reason.

im glad you have such people around to support you… i really hope you can pull yourself through once again.

I happend to see some tv program couple of days ago from disovery channel called “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” its about people who got into differnet really f****ed up situations and still managed to survive… Waching these programs maks me appreciete life more.

Always get head to head with the s*** world gives you. And stand fast. You’ll get over it as a winner. You’ve done it once, and it must have felt great. So you’ll do it again.

It’s painful and it takes time. What to do to get over it? - I don’t know, everyone has different methods. And you will find yours. But never give up, nor lock the pain inside.

Yes, looks like your ex-girl and her family is the source of true love and your family. Lean heavy on them and don’t be ashamed of it. Dealing with problems by yourself is a recipe for mental breakdown sooner or later.

Don’t be surprised if your current girlfriend leaves you. Not everybody can handle this type of situation. Try to be understanding because a lot of people leave those they “love” for much simpler cases.

And there is this idea that talking to a psychologist or a counselor labels you as crazy/helpless. Try get rig of this idea. Seek help as soon as you can, because your mental wounds run deep. Accepting this fact is the first step to better your situation. We don’t want you to give up.

There is solution for your problem. Seek help!!!


that sh!tz fu_ked up for real. I don’t know what to say. I guess you just got to use the people close to you to help you deal with all this sh!t.
Other than, I wish the best for you. You and me both studied at AIC, and both are Renoise users, so we got a lot in common, and I want to see good things happen for you. I’m sure we’ll meet up one day since I’m always around there, and going back next year to study again.

sauna päälle ja kossu pakkaseen


I’ve never had anyone close to me die so probably cannot understand what you’re going through. I’ve sat here 20 minutes staring at the screen trying to think of something supportive to say but I’m out of my depth. Hearing this makes me feel something I got no word for.
NEVER be afraid to ask for help.
Thats the best I can do.
Deepest condolonces.

I´m really sorry to hear that.
Life can be so tough…

Sucide is never an option.
We will all die sooner or later. Its better to walk through life sad and missarable at times than to not walk through life.
Because you just never know what might have happened if you commit sucide.

I just hope that you find your ways and I know you will. If you ever come by Sweden I will buy you a beer :)

Sometimes music can be a part of surviving but don’t rely only on music.

Take it slow brother, these narratives are often long subtle ones. Forcing against the surf will only result in being dumped by the wash. The right time will come to walk forward.

No one should give up. We need all of you to fight as best you can.

Peace Louis, we’re listening.

The police gave me his suicide letter. It was addressed to me. He told me he was sorry and didn’t want to hurt anybody, but that he felt like he was alone. The last time I spoke with him I was kind of harsh with him cause he wasn’t doing shit but sleeping all day and skateboarding all night, running around with stupid girls and shit, but he liked a particular girl that he had been with for a year or who had dumped him because she wanted him to grow up and get his shit together. I told him that a 35 year old female doesn’t want a guy who is 25 living like he is still in his teens. Women like to be treated out to dinner and shit, not buying you socks because you ran out and are couch hopping and don’t have cash. He had started doing coke and drinking again and I was very angry with him about this (we went to prison together and got clean together). I told him I didn’t want to really see him until he had attempted to get his shit together. A week later he was dead. The way I found him was I couldn’t find my cell phone, and he was always using it and leaving it somewhere uncharged. So I kept calling it over and over again. I could hear it ringing faintly but couldn’t figure out where it was comming from. Eventualy I figured out that it was coming from the closet. I opened the closet door looking on the ground and the first thing I saw was his feet, and I looked up and he was hanging from his belt attached to a bar on the ceiling. The phone was still on and the last number he had called was the girl I spoke of. The wierd part was that when I had called her, she said they had decided to get back together. The call was made about thirty minutes before I found him.

So I found a councelor who I can talk to that I think is good. She works at my school. I’m kinda leary cause I had actually taken her on a date at another point before I knew she was working at my school in the counceling office. But it’s going to have to do, cause I don’t have insurance that covers this. Thank you guys for your suggestions and support. I am doing my best right now to keep a handle on my self and keep my head on and take care of shit.