Dont give up on your tunes man…try to ignore the shit.
I don’t give up what I created so far. Maybe if I can recover one day, I’ll try to get on with the stuff. If not, maybe I can atleast one day find some time and donate the instruments I made to the community.
But I cannot any more try. I’m all drowned in the sick shit, and I cannot just normally go on like this. I feel I have to dedicate my life to the simple things, meditation, ease of mind, let go of anything that is attached to my mind, keeping it from being free. It is I am one freedom dude, I just cannot live in other ways.
I’m so sad, some years ago I thought I could pull myself out of the dirt and mud of the life of a heavy disabled dude. Trained making music all the years, hoping to become free again and have my life on honest and wholesome foundations, maybe even earn a living with the music I make. Has always been my dream.
Seems like luck is not with me this life, again everything is taken from me.
Honestly, I have been working on music for over 20 years now. My intentions with creating music are to communicate my feelings at the time of composition. Even if I am down, it’s a feeling that others can relate with.
The art of making music is about you, not about the people listening. If you can tame those shitty feelings by coming up with a bassline/lead etc that makes you smile, then it is doing its job. There’s nothing that could compare to that feeling. I personally do not suffer from schizophrenia, but I have good friends that do. And I do suffer from PTSD.
The more you push through the shit, the better you can feel about yourself as a person. Its all a learning experience, what you chose to take out of that experience is all in your hands.
maybe switch up your activites for a while, watch a movie or something easy and relaxing.
hardcore music sotware, vsti, sound design, cutting up samples, writing patterns all day every day, it can be quite stressful…or try a peaceful style, major pentatonic scales, no drums, lots of drones…just listening to some heavy drumloop go round and round overr and over as you make adjustments to every little detail…stresses me aswell if im not n the mood…
I cut breaks for almost a year, I almost lost it, its not even creative, just a long boring list to get through…drums drums and more drums…i had to stop and watch cheesey series for a while, got through the cheesiest of the star treks ‘voyager’, pretty good to just be a series watcher for a while…star trek marathons
The Studio is basically just a reflection of the rest of life
And the rest of life doesn’t just consist of happiness or wonderful moments
Instead, you sit here and you’re faces with your own weaknesses
But that’s what makes it exciting and it’s all part of it - Roman Flügel -
No it is no use for me anymore.
Since 2 years or so, my mind is like tied to an internal thought image slide projector, forcing me to see into things that are just horror. And I simply cannot ignore the shit. The attention is tied to it with force, I cannot break it. I am internally like tied to a hamster wheel, that is forced move, forcing me to think all these horror thoughts, forcing me to run at demon’s pace. And if I go tired, and I am very tired, it will just roll on, forcing me to run on, although I am too strung out move at all. It has killed my soul. It is just fucking my mind 24/7, and I can no longer do anything else than watch it destroy me, this way at least I don’t hurt other people with it. I can currently hardly even manage my life - well I am heavily disabled, so I will have to let my relatives care for me in future. I thought I could overcome it with willpower, but it is no use - I do antipsychotic medication since 20 years or so, and I think those have made my mind too weak to handle it like you would suggest - I am exposed to this, and cannot get rid of it or overcome it.
I have to face it, my life is fucked, and I have to give up on music. It is no use anymore to lie to myself and still try, I’m downed. I am constantly strung out and in negative feelings, I simply cannot work this way anymore, it is over. It is game over, dudes.
I will try if dedicating my life to meditation could bring me some peace. Like leaving everything behind, and try to at least transcend the pain, so it does not hurt me anymore. But I guess I will fail at it, and end up in some mental institution.
Being on this forum was fun. But has to be over now. You will not read me here anymore. Have a nice time.
try speaking to them about changing or stopping that kind of “medicine”…if its effective medicine as they claim, why is your condition worsening?
As for the music, barely anyone will go professional really…not unless you ‘sell out’ completely as much as possible and start writing ‘ganster pop’ or whatever bullshit style which is profitable. Youll need some doiuchebag with silver shoes and a quiff, overinflated ego, saying nothing loudly to make some money…
Maybe there are a few people who make money by selling beats to singers or emcees, or doing live shows and selling CDs, T-shirts…who really pays for music anymore? The only music that people pay for is something underground which asks for a donation or something.
Honestly, look at the retarded shit that made money in the past, industry hos…puppets…that kind of thing…take the song below, this is the shit that people payed money for, its hard to beleive…most people are pretty strangely over confident in their stupidity, you can see it all around…sounds arrogant i guess but i still think its true…just take a break man, maybe take some time in natural settings…chill in a quiet park or something for a while
The medication you are taking is clearly not helping you. I had an uncle with schizophrenia and he was a mess.He never been hospitalized but a couple of years ago he became very unstable and aggressive so I had him hospitalized for 6 months and the doctors finally found the perfect medication for him. He is now doing very well the voices in his head are gone and he lives his life like the rest of us. Maybe you should consider spending some time in the hospital like my uncle.I wish you the best.
Yeah, well without meds it is much much worse, up to the point that I do not know the real surroundings well anymore, had zero memory and nice image mind show large in 3d and have to fear death by sleep deprivation after a certain amount of time. I better not try again. Maybe I’d be better in coping with the delusions and stuff with a bit less meds in blood, who knows, maybe I give that a cautious try.
Yeah, well, anyways. Things go on by themselves. So one has no other choice than to always go on and on and on…
Maybe I should stop whining, and start trying to recover. Not abandon the renoise tracks, would be a pity. What a silly idea. Time moves on. Maybe it will move me back to music one day, with a crap shit wiped clean mind.
At least you are aware of yourself and your feelings, that is the biggest part of being human. Even some people that seem perfectly ‘normal’ functioning through a daily life of work and sleep aren’t aware of their own feelings or mental state.
I’ve taken months/years off at times because life led me directions beyond my control, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
I think you have the bug of creativity in you, I believe you will be back to making music at some point. There’s something that drew you to it in the first place, you just need to find that feeling again. You don’t need to leave the forum if you stop making music, you are part of our community and we appreciate creative minds like yours.
Your writing and expression is very good, ever think about writing a book or anything?
Thanks for the kind words, it really helps putting me up on my heels again.
maybe try drinking a big glass of squash more often (like juice that you dilute with water).
also make sure to eat something before evening like a banana or a bag of mixed fruit and nut.
Did you say you were vegan before? Maybe try adding fish to your diet.
dehyration, hunger, too much caffeine…the wrong type of foods? sweets and chocolate with high energy boost, then that kind of sugar comedown/tiredness?
if you drink a lot of high strength caffeine drinks make sure to drink watery drinks as well
Hi. Schizophrenia is more and more a topic in “scene”. Did you know that scene actually was anti-pop and so anti-schizophrenic? But when people adopted pop-tools, they also adoped schizophrenic pop-culture. This is a strongpoint of the tracker, that it was coupled to a non-schizophrenic culture.
In a historical perspective, The varangians (vikings) also reduced idolaterous gods to Tyr (almost an empty concept that is a “god”). And culturally mushroom schizophrenia and bible influences from it, were reduced by Cider drink.
My new tracker channel is actually based on this, and references the silent mind of Buddha aswell, here “Budd”, as a reference to friend also, like Amiga was.
U sure we mean the same “schizophrenia”? I’m talking about (and suffering from…) the mental disease, that will force a strongly malformed and congested mind with paranoia, delusion and illusions onto a person and slowly or quickly eradicates the sane elements of the mind. It is very strong suffering, it can lead some people to harm or kill themselves and sometimes also others. You can be as strong as you like, the psychosis with its delusion will just bypass and blind yourself if it really wants to put you somewhere… It is basically just mental torture and blinding.
I have the shit since 20 year or so now. It totally destroyed my life, and cast me heavily disabled. I live like my mind is tied into a wheelchair, that is almost uncontrollable and rocket propelled to cause destruction, and my family has to wipe my ass and care for me, else I’d probably die homeless…
Yeah but sure, you can also grow upon such suffering. Maybe that is the sole reason and use of all the suffering, to sculpt wisdom into the suffering hearts. Buddha and Jesus knew and also suffered and thought to teach methods to overcome sufferings by dying into them. Meditation with a strongly psychotic mind is however very painful and insanely difficult and can also become dangerous if you get lost or blinded in the illusion. I do anyways - at least I can sometimes detach partially myself from the torture this way, and try to strengthen the mind so I don’t have to kill others or myself in the course of the hell unfolding inside my head.
Sometimes it can let people see a bit beyond the limits, then it might become a culture thing. But I feel it is not worth it, being forced into having no more peace of mind and not being free anymore for useless knowledge (most of it can only be used for malady, hurting yourself and others…) and some illusion (just watch tv instead and stay sane) is not a fair deal.
But yeah, culture. Not sure what you mean with the “pop” kind of thing, I feel in mainstream culture psychosis is a dark taboo, not normal cultural element… Psychosis hits 1% of population, so psychotics are everywhere, in any culture or sub culture. I see that cultures with negative ideals like disrespecting the weak and disabled and glorifying violence and the survival of the fittest, would probably not be a good ground to become psychotic in. You’d have to hide from your “friends” or be outcast from them, you cannot expect help or understanding from such people. Also the negative culture it is taking place in most probably sports very unhealthy cultural or even spiritual elements that will weaken the protections against the psychosis and fuel the paranoia in sick ways. Lucky is the man, who becomes psychotic amid a bunch of flower power love hippies, such who would respect and care for the sick one.
I do believe we are talking about the same thing. Amiga also was anti-schizophrenic and Trance. And why people enjoyed that culture so much, and clubs at the time.
And power flower hippies are exactly the problem
“Power Flower” hippies really just reflecting a vain church belief in a domegod. (originally DMT-dome, now a mix of psilocybin and morning glory, that LSD is based on, the totem of our times).
So you can rule out strange churches aswell. Society is though based on monotheism, and one should let people believe in Islam, that has a 500 page coherent book (in Arabic) instead. A known language of the schooled for some time.
Peace! (and that greeting was from that religion).
Didn’t follow the thread, but are you in therapy?
Yes I am in therapy since the conditions startet to show itself many years ago. There is medication, that eases things a bit for me. I just had bad luck - in my case the medication is only partially effective and has bad side effect - and the doctors have nothing else in their arsenal. Maybe a psychotherapy could help me in coping with all the terror, I’ll see in future how it will develop.
Big thanks for the “islamic” wishes of peace, I will for sure study the book you mentioned with an open mind, once I find some time and peace to consider what is written in there. Yes peace, especially peace of mind, is the greatest among all gifts one can attain in this place, I know now. The monotheistic (and also buddhist…) ways of spirituality seems to have a strong base in trying to understand and put into practice the respect for certain laws that reality is thought to be bound to. I do believe that trying to understand and put into practice the respect for such laws of reality can bring big benefit and stability, also in my very special situation…though I would not consider myself a strong believer or practitioner of such teachings.
And maybe you’re right, and the hippies are not such a good place for someone with a blown mind - there might not be aggression but acceptance of the condition, but also lots of folly into unhealthy illusions, and probably some fool would try to drop the shizo a blotter instead of something that clears the mind…
Mm… LSD is just an ideal “LSD Personified”, that is what a Stoner is, that often also is bisexual.
While 68´er politics has some good aspects to it, reduced churches to chapels for marriage incl. gay marriage aswell, and less swine and pommes frites in the diet, Islam would ofcourse be the full way of reason. That is where our society is. Somewhere between 68´r post LSD politics, which some of are quite good, but the stoner often schizophrenic, and Islam.
Islam has a better term also, Shirkophrenia. Shirk being the worship of idols, and the schism of schizophrenia ofcourse. Polytheism ofcourse being power schisms.
Yeah well. I have always been under a different impression. I.e. that the hippie thing was mainly about freedom, freedom to choose and build up an own culture that is inspired by how people like to live, rather than traditional values that deprived people of certain things and making many people unhappy. Like the peace, love and happieness thing - that is the spirit that made the movement positive at times, not the drugs and spiritual mayhem… And withing the new awareness of freedom came ideas that leaked from the hippie culture to the mainstream western culture, making it just that tad more liberal and easier to live in…
I do agree though that the freedom was at times exploited too much, leading people into unhealthy practices and making them and others unhappy. I.e. the drugs thing, the spiritual follies, and trying to impose very promiscuous sexuality on people who were rather inclined by nature to treat it in a more restrained way… People made their own culture, and they experimented in the course, and experimentations can always fail in one regard or another.
Anyways, those flower power people have changed western culture in a strong and as I think positive way, and I am glad to live after that period rather than before. Actually I believe that in an conservative world people like myself would not be able to live at all - I’d probably have been downed in a military style, forced to do stupidifying labor and sick disciplinations, unable to reach ressources to learn from or communicate interesting ideas, maybe I would have even been sectioned or killed in my youth when came appearent that I do like to have my own mind, and refuse to obey to people who don’t like to give proper account and moral justification to the ways that they want to impose on me. If it weren’t for the hippie culture, I would probably already be dead or destroyed, instead of being able to fool around the net and try to make beautiful music…
As you name LSD, which was one of their “fuels”, I also have some words to say. I never done it though I was often tempted, and am glad that I have never given in. Especially after my psychotic experiences - I now know that the mind can have very sick and painful states, and I think that stuff like LSD brings great risk to trigger such unhealthy, tormenting states that are just not good to experience… I knew people who did LSD (and other hallucinogens), and they all got shot in the head by that stuff in one or another manner. Some were straight psychotic at times, and didn’t notice, nor did their friends around them. Really, it entice you to want to feel something very special, but in the course you cannot choose what you have to see and it might eat away at your soul here and there, leaving some users unhappy and deprived of what has made them happy before.