Schizophrenia Awareness

Off-Topic
102

I should get back to meditation, I’m slacking too much with it, though the terror keeps me from it and most of the time makes it impossibly hard to maintain any concentration.

There are some things that can help while meditating. For example I decided to get into naming the things I see in my mind. Like just sitting on my zafu, and innerly naming what I see, like “Mind-Impression”, “Ego-Impression”, “Voice”, “Voice-Image”, “Delusion”, “Paranoia”, “Thought-Image”, and maybe also the modes that are played onto me, like “Entice”, “Threaten”, “Cause Curiosity”, “Try to impose rules”. Also I will like to get back to some old technique I used when I was a teen. Watching the mind, and let anything within it become visually like clouds, that pop up and pass away.

After all it looks like it just seems that evil, but is very constricted to leaving me certain degrees of freedom. Maybe the real use of all this shit is not to down me, but to train my mind to become free from desires and delusion. It would be a very frightening, painful training then, and knowing how it is now I’d never wish the crap onto myself or others.

103

nevr seen one of those zafu cushions for meditation before. You can also use those japanese chairs with no legs, but they have a backrest so your back doesnt get tired sitting up cross legged. Another few games that were kind of funny for NES were MrGimmick, Toki and little samson. They look real cool with the simple graphics but damn MrGimmick is hard as fuck. Its a difficult game, the other two are more chilled to play.

These modes of operation you are writing about with your problem ‘thing’…is it anything like this

thinking about smoking weed - aggressive response, rape threats, stories of paedophiles, murders, extreme negative stuff.

thinking about getting a job - goes all chilled, put on a soft tone of voice, acts like its a friend.

thinking about making some electronic music - gets aggressive, rape threats, threatening to rape friends and family, more terror stories, stories from tabloid newspapers about violent crimes.

everytime you eat - comments like ‘fat bastard’, laughing, talking about army portion sizes.

everytime you excersise - agressive, ‘enemy is so evil’ type comments, like stories about IS raping people and stuff.

during a resting time ( after excerise or eating ) - puts on a soft tone of voice and gives long lectures on far-right politics.

When walking around outside - rape threats, aggressive questioning about whats around you and what you are near, what you can see. Also trying to turn you onto someone or trying to make you confront someone - saying ‘that man is a paedophile!!!’, ‘that man does …something bad etc.’…just about random people around. Also hardcore accusations that you are doing ‘reconnaisance’ whenever you look at a camera, or a phone?

Is the format anything like this?

during ‘negative reinforcement’

rape threats
death threats
stories from tabloids about paedophiles
stories from tabloids about violent crimes
on repeat but always ending with a target for the negative things listed
for example rape threats for three hours followed by ‘thats what minorities do’
or rape threats and paedophile stories for three hours followed by ‘thats what muslims do’
random accusations of crimes
sometimes accusations of things that are not even a crime like ‘You are half asian!!!’
‘You know someone who is a muslim!!!’

during positive reinforcement

pretending to be a hero character coming to stop the bad ones
pretending to be a fantastic character like a druid or a wizard
putting on a ‘cracking up’ laughing tone of voice - ususally wants to direct laughter to any non-white character from any media
pretending to be a kind therapist helping you
pretending to be a religious character like john the baptist or jesus
or pretending to be a monk or a nun?
pretending to be a celebrity?

does it shout cheesey political slogans all day long in a panicked tone of voice?

for example…
‘a bucketload of [ minorities / foreigners / muslims / black people / asian people ]’
‘[ the economy ] is hanging by a thread!’
‘[ liberal / progressive / green / non-conservative / non-fascist arguments ] havent got a leg to stand on!!’
‘turns out we want the pound sign!!’
’ we need to chop and change [ something ]!!!’
‘turns out, fascism is on the table!!!’ (context - because there is too much “fascist marjuhuana”.)
‘[ some political comment ] meant business!!!’
'turns out, [ some political party ] means business!!!
‘lets get this [ political ] party started!!!’
‘we want one world!!’
‘we will make the world as one!!!’

always some hardcore cheesey propaganda political slogans?

Does it interrogate you like this?

You were in Riyadh!!
I saw you in Riyadh!!
You know [someones name]!!!
I saw you in northern Iraq!!
I saw you in northern france!!!
I saw you in northern canada!!
you use heroin!!
you know someone who uses heroin!!
you know someone who sells heroin!!!
You know someone who sells acid!!!
What is a codeword for acid?!!
What is a codeword for heroin??!!!
What song names are code word for heroin / acid?!!!
What parameters are codewords for heroin / acid?!!!
You know a paedophile!!!
Who is a paedophile??!!!
You are a paedophile!!!
What organiztion are you from???!!!
What is your codename!!!
My codename is …!!!
I saw you in the Mc Donalds in [ a particular town]!!!

Sometimes listing what it is doing…maybe it is a code or something.

‘I am still in Hemel Hamstead!!!’
‘I am using the travelator!!!’

Sometimes gloating that you can not stop what they are doing -

‘I am in a remote location, you can never find me!!!’
‘No one is arresting me, so I will just carry on’
‘We will do this for the rest of your life!!’
‘We wont turn it off, but I could turn it off easily just by pressing a switch’

on and on and on…

always trying to figure out what is ‘code’ or ‘slang’ for something else…but have their own weirdo codeword bullshit as well…

just a never ending hardcore questioning like that?

then stopping the interrogation for a while, putting on a laughing tone of voice…
saying things like ‘sly bastard’ then laughing…

trying to imitiate different accents - ‘posh’ or ‘cockney’ or ‘inner city gangster’ - seeing what effect it has, trying to find best manipulation tactics.

Also sometimes advertising products. Particularly saying things like ‘British products are such great products because of quality control measures at the factories, whilst workers are paid fairly, unlike other countries in which workers are not paid fairly and sometimes their products have defects’ blah blah blah and so on…

for example, your trying to eat a bag of ‘spicy plantain chips’ or ‘bombay mix’…they will be saying ‘look how smashed up all the chips are, this wont happen in an english factory…this is the problem with indian products’…

Just like a crazed white nationalist man with fucking rabies or something, foaming at the mouth, but who thinks he is a wise university lecturer

Then back into interrogation but with a new set of names, a new set of areas or towns to question you about…and so on and so on…

Then changing back to a soft tone of voice and starting talking about ‘psychoanalysis’, different areas of the brain…‘the amygdala’, ‘broccas area’, and so on…but with very little actual knowledge about brain structure?

Does it only understand one language? If you think in another language, does it not understand but make pathetic attempts to learn that language? then accuse you of using a code language?

What do you think? anything like that. If it is just straight up nothing like that then fair enough, just wondering.

I guess the real question Im trying to ask is ‘Is it definite, structured interrogation and brainwashing, or is it something from inside, just abstract like a dream?’

I only ask because you mentioned it using ‘entice mode’, all the different ‘modes of operation’ it uses to manipulate you…Ive heard similar stories before…maybe its just bullshit…

just is it structured like a police or army brainwashing, trying to make a manchurian candidate?

or is it just abstract, like hallucinating or like a dream?

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Another thing, does it try to train you like a dog or an animal? Something like they think they can train a human in the same way you would ‘break’ a wild horse, to make it a tame horse?
like for example, abuse you for three or four hours, say that that kind of abuse is ‘what foreigners do’ then label that stress they have given you with a random word…Then later when maybe you quite content and happy, they try to bring back the terror of them abusing you before with the ‘trigger word’ they had tried to associate with that routine?

Do they talk about their ‘authority’ non-stop?
with statemeents like ‘we cannot tolerate this insubordination!!! you do not understand my authority!!! I have the power to section you!!! you are my subject matter!!! you are the subject!!!’

total pricks like that?

is it structured like this

accusations
interrogation
threats
assoiation of negativity from above actions with a ‘trigger word’ or - all non-european people in the world
tries to make friends with you
tries to make you laugh
tried to direct the laughter to - all non-european people in the world
if you laugh at some bullshit they say then it will be like ‘I can still trick you, look how feeble they are’
Then more threats, accusations, interrogation, trying to associate the ‘negative’ they create with a ‘trigger word’ or a concept, or a group of people?

Do they ever refer to their equipment?

maybe this is all jsut nonsense but, maybe not.
I have seen things like this described in stuff about people who are ‘targetted’ in documentaries that were on youtube but have since been taken down.

105

When I had tinnitus, I tried everything possible (meditation came years later, when tinnitus did not bother me much)
had once read somewhere that the human mind can perceive a maximum of 5 things at once, the rest (tinnitus/suffer) is filtered away

Then started (especially at night to be able to fall asleep) to use the loci method.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Method_of_loci

began with this instruction
http://www.synaptic.ch/infoliths/textes/arsmem.htm

its oldschool occult stuff, fascinating and interesting but would not start like that today
basically, it does not matter what you start with (sounds colour geometry, grotesque hideous pictures)
you’re the creator

106

Method of loci sounds like an interesting mental tool. But I fear my mind has become too weak to make any use of such techniques. As I said the thing made me heavily disabled, I cannot work, I live on subsidy, since I was 20 or so, it destroyed my life completely. My memory is severly impaired by what I’m through for 20 years now, and also by the medication and several years of alcohol abuse though. Also I remember, when I was a kid/teen before the mindfuck started and ground my own power of mind to pieces, I would go into mental games before I was asleep, flying through places I knew, through memories that I cherished (they are all gone now).

brinemeister what you describe is like a condensed example of what many voice hearers describe, and I also certain aspects have similaritiy to the story going on in my head. Lots of painful techniques going on, as I think to either destroy or strengthen the mind. My mind has already mostly been destroyed by it, I normally feel like a living illusion. Yep, the thing kills you mentally. Where have you heard about such detailed descriptions of this mindfuck? For me, as well as many other diagnosed schizophrenia people I read accounts from, it usually threatens to kill or even do much worse if the person talks about it. It will also demonstrate some “power” now and then, like manipulating the mind in strong ways for some moments, such as to try to impress people into taking it seriously. Though it does not kill you if you disobey, it just goes on with washing the mind ever and ever…people who got through to some point where it just stopped did not get killed but are fine and could tell the story of their psychosis, so…

107

And when such assholes cannot get into your head to torture you and try to take away your freedom, then they will try to torture you from the outside of your head, if they can get you down for something legal:

Big love for the downed and the victims, word up, keep the word up, let people tell and spread their stories of torture until all tortured are known by everyone, be it from inside of the head or in the real world.

108

Juian Assange is the perfect example of someone who would be targetted, and I really believe they are targetted by technology such as what psychiatrists would call ‘nanomedicine’ but which is actually ‘nano-surveillance dust’ or ‘neural dust weoponry’.

What Im trying to say is that if they consider someone to be problematic for them, they have ways to drive that person mad and section them. After they are sectioned psychiatrists want to figure out what motivates these types of people and how to create propaganda that stops these kinds of people from coming into being. In addition to creating propaganda that makes people say ‘the government is my best friend, everything they choose is the right course of action, I want to work hard to please my government’ etc…they also want to create propaganda that makes people fear the strength of authority figures, have full trust in authority figures even when their arguments are nonsense, to be unquestioning and faithful like a loyal servant, and to buy things they dont need all the time, take out loans they cant pay etc.

Seems like Reuters, which is a reputable and respected news agency, is hinting at psychological torture other than ‘by defamation’…It was their own journalists who were killed by the american soldiers…

Later after Chelsea Manning ( who is transexual ) leaked the video, there has been neverending ‘trans-sexual’ news articles and new ‘trans-sexual celebrities’ popping up everywere. Seems like the goals is to take peoples attention away from one particular trans-sexual by bombarding you with articles about trans-sexuals from every angle. I am not againt trans-sexuals by the way, if they want to do that kind of thing, its up to them…its a weird choice but whatever…

Anyway some other examples are -

‘We are paid to section you!!’
‘We are Golden Dawn!!’
‘We are BlackHats and we are doxing you!!’
‘Dont stand in the way of progress!!!’
'This is three-dimensional chess (laughter) - when trying to direct a person against someone else
‘We need brain research, we are observing your brain-glow’
‘we are psychoanalysing your brainglow’
( lots of statements about ‘brainglow’ - eg. picks up a knife and fork 'that brainglow is knife and fork, thinks about family members - 'that brain glow is ‘parents’, looking for a pen ‘that bran glow is writing’ )
references to equipment ‘functional MRI’…‘radioencephlograph’

There are also reports of people hearing a high pitched ‘digital’ noise, believed to be a brainscan, as well as a feeling of ‘radiation’ ramping up slowly, but powering down suddenly (american embassy in cuba, sonic attacks)

Other statements are used as punishments in response to non-cooperation, non-compliance or resisitance of any kind such as

‘turns out we are fascist afterall, but we know we are fascist. You dont understand I am fascist. Turns out we need fascist brain research, they [ the subjects of experimentation ] went against the grain, they did not understand our authority and now their use is brain research, they are useless to society anyway etc…’

when that fails they may try to use flattery statements

‘you have fascinating brainglow’ etc.

other statements include

‘we are still in university!!’
‘I need this project!!’
‘this is fascinating technology!!’

Probably it is the DARPA brain interface technology mentioned above, but at a much more advanced state than is described in their public articles…although perhaps it is RAYTHEON technology…either way it is military technology available to psychiatrists for research purposes. It may be that Russia, China, North Korea etc… have their own variants of this technology. Either ‘neural dust’ (ie nanomedicine) or ‘implant’…it may be something that interacts with mobile phone signals or requires some kind of ‘wave’ to interact with the ‘surveillance dust’ in the brain…So a real-time brainscan in combination with a ‘directed audio’ of some kind (possibly by directly causing ‘action-potentials’ in the brain in the same way that the implants which allow deaf people to hear again work but this version is nano-tech.)
perhaps it is some signal from satellites in rural areas, or from mobile phone masts in urban areas…perhaps it is a very high bandwidth thing like 10G OR something…right now they are introducing only 5G to the public.

maybe it came from radar technology originally, later developed further in MKULTRA and ARTICHOKE programs, then ‘went dark’ or ‘fully classified’…you know what I mean?

If you think this is just the ramblings of a madman its o.k. Take it or leave it.
I really strongly suspect this kind of technology is in use for a number of reasons…

A. the use of ‘sonic weaponry’ at the american embassy in Cuba.
B. the Russian scientific journal on the ‘Nooscope’.
C. all the people who have said they were targetted after seeing a psychiatrist.
D. reports of things that are impossible in people with shizophrenia such as

the person is talking already having a conersation with someone, but the ‘voices’ are still trying to shout over the top of them…the targetted persons voice or thoughts and the ‘directed audio’ can occur simultaneously.

the directed audio voices can talk over one another - directed audio voices can occur simultaneously

On occasion, other people (other than the affected) can hear the directed audio voices

the voices break up under a forest canopy in rural areas.
the voices go silent deep underground - like three floors down or more
the directed audio cannot penetrate certain materials (thick lead etc.)

Anyway, Im not saying there is no schizophrenia. Im not trying to trick or deceive anyone, but I strongly suspect that this kind of technology is already out there and already being tested.

If you think about it, this kind of technology could change the minds of jurors, cause a different outcome in elections, move people around into different areas (making them too uncomfortable to stay in an area where they are not wanted)…cause people to go mad…cause people to make mistakes in power stations or when operating important euipment…etc.

It is the ultimate covert weaponry…can play with peoples belief systems, pretending to be a ghost, druid, god whatever the target believes in… But it must gather information about what the target believes in first, hence the need for ‘directed audio’ questioning concerning what ‘brainglow’ is associated with. Can punish the viewing of certain television programmes/newspapers/articles and reward the viewing of others…

Also can softly say certain things to a subject during REM sleep in order to interrrogate on a deeper level or to ‘implant’ a certain ‘trigger’ or concept.

The worst dystopian, fascist nightmare mind-control technology.
‘Artificial telepathy’ whatever you call it…the aim is for human beings to become ‘loyal automatons’…or ‘the stratification of human society’ into servants and ‘people of leisure’…that the servants will no longer have the free will to ‘disobey’

If you see it all as bullshit, its o.k. Just putting my theory out there…

109

If you are suffering with schizophrenia which you know comes from inside and is a medical condition I dont want to disrespect you. Dont take what I am writing too seriously Im not trying to freak you out or anything.

Sorry to bombard you with these long posts on surveillance technology and crimes of psychiatry… I didnt mean to derail the thread.

I am just really curious about the kinds of surveillance technologies that are being developed these days. I really beleive the phenomenon of ‘targetted individuals’ may have some truth to it and may originate form psychiatry…

The level of surveilance is getting more and more extreme…it wouldnt surprise me if military psychiatrists and neuroscientists were developing ‘brain surveillance’, ‘thought surveillance’ etc. Along with that a new type of cognitive behavioural conditioning ( like frank skinner ), which goes directly into the brain. Punishment and reward to force someone to hold certain views…combination of brain-scanning and brainwashing which can be sold as ‘therapy’ or used covertly for any number of reasons.

The idea of a remote EEG device which uses nanodust in the brain in combination with some sort of electromagnetic wave is not so far fetched…the development of ‘artificial telepathy’ is accurate interpretation of remote EEG or functional MRI scans + directed audio

There are implants already in use which can directly activate neurons in the brains of deaf people to make them hear again. This technology proves that a kind of ‘audio’, which bypasses the ears and lets people hear by directly affecting the brain is possible.

Therefore its not outside the realms of possibility that there is a form of ‘directed audio’ which can allow for the hearing of messages by directly affecting brain tissue with a signal from outside… an implant, nanodust+electromagnetic wave…electromagnetic wave only? etc.

perhaps this kind of targetting uses nanotech ( ie a substance inside the brain) along with an electromagnetic wave of some kind ( ie wifi, or some other communications signal ) which can both read and cause neuronal activity?

A way to interrogate someone who refuses to answer?
A way to drive a political opponent mad?
A way to steal secret information, directly from the brain?

Also it is already known that wifi can be used to view inside of objects (bags, suitcases, buildings etc.)

Electromagnetic wave based weapons and surveillance systems are already commonplace as you can see in the videos and articles below…

Wireless signals can penetrate bags to measure the dimensions of metal objects or estimate the volume of liquids

MIT scientists create X-ray vision using Wi-Fi

High-Power Microwave Test

old-school version of directed audio- long range accoustic hailing device

microwave crowd control weapon - vehicle mounted active denial

real-time satellite surveillance

portable backscatter xray devices

This kind of surveillance will be giving people cancer all over the place. All these xrays and other electromagnetic waves everywhere.

If police or army or psychiatry have someone under surveillance by sitting in an unmarked van across the road from their apartment and using backscatter xray technology for years on end, and that person gets cancer…thats an execution. Who knows, maybe they have satellites specifically designed to give people cancer slyly within 5 years or ten years…

110

I decided to give up on making music for now. Maybe forever. I am dragged down in too much pain to try to go on. I cannot work while being tormented.

I am still being constantly tormented with illusion, delusion, all the crap, all the fucking horror, 24/7. I can do nothing more anymore but trying to somehow stand the suffering. I cannot raise any positivity anymore, and I would never ever want to do any negative things in my life, and negative music is something, that does not only pull yourself down while making it, but also pull down many other people, making you guilty of their suffering.

Have a nice time here, make your music, I cannot partake anymore.

It is very hard for me, because during the last 10 years or so my sole dream of fulfillment was becoming a pro music producer, making people happy with my music. I came so close, but now I have to give up. Now the universe is a big asshole, and doesn’t seem to want me to become like this. It wants me to suffer instead. So I suffer, and will try to find a way to stand or even end the suffering.

It was a nice time learning and helping others in this forum. I hope I haven’t done this for nothing. Maybe one day I can have a free mind, and become musical again, with renoise. In the mean time, all I have left to say is: reject the philosophies of competition, those bring only pain and destruction. Instead help each other along the way. If you do so, you have a chance of becoming happy. Please, be happy, this is a devils’ world, and the devils will destroy it and every one of us one day. All we can do is trying to be peaceful in spite of all the sickness, while they destroy us. In the mean time there’s nothing left than trying to be positive in spite of all the mindless suffering going on.

111

Dont give up on your tunes man…try to ignore the shit.

112

I don’t give up what I created so far. Maybe if I can recover one day, I’ll try to get on with the stuff. If not, maybe I can atleast one day find some time and donate the instruments I made to the community.

But I cannot any more try. I’m all drowned in the sick shit, and I cannot just normally go on like this. I feel I have to dedicate my life to the simple things, meditation, ease of mind, let go of anything that is attached to my mind, keeping it from being free. It is I am one freedom dude, I just cannot live in other ways.

I’m so sad, some years ago I thought I could pull myself out of the dirt and mud of the life of a heavy disabled dude. Trained making music all the years, hoping to become free again and have my life on honest and wholesome foundations, maybe even earn a living with the music I make. Has always been my dream.

Seems like luck is not with me this life, again everything is taken from me.

113

Honestly, I have been working on music for over 20 years now. My intentions with creating music are to communicate my feelings at the time of composition. Even if I am down, it’s a feeling that others can relate with.

The art of making music is about you, not about the people listening. If you can tame those shitty feelings by coming up with a bassline/lead etc that makes you smile, then it is doing its job. There’s nothing that could compare to that feeling. I personally do not suffer from schizophrenia, but I have good friends that do. And I do suffer from PTSD.

The more you push through the shit, the better you can feel about yourself as a person. Its all a learning experience, what you chose to take out of that experience is all in your hands.

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114

maybe switch up your activites for a while, watch a movie or something easy and relaxing.
hardcore music sotware, vsti, sound design, cutting up samples, writing patterns all day every day, it can be quite stressful…or try a peaceful style, major pentatonic scales, no drums, lots of drones…just listening to some heavy drumloop go round and round overr and over as you make adjustments to every little detail…stresses me aswell if im not n the mood…

I cut breaks for almost a year, I almost lost it, its not even creative, just a long boring list to get through…drums drums and more drums…i had to stop and watch cheesey series for a while, got through the cheesiest of the star treks ‘voyager’, pretty good to just be a series watcher for a while…star trek marathons

115

The Studio is basically just a reflection of the rest of life
And the rest of life doesn’t just consist of happiness or wonderful moments
Instead, you sit here and you’re faces with your own weaknesses
But that’s what makes it exciting and it’s all part of it - Roman Flügel -

116

No it is no use for me anymore.

Since 2 years or so, my mind is like tied to an internal thought image slide projector, forcing me to see into things that are just horror. And I simply cannot ignore the shit. The attention is tied to it with force, I cannot break it. I am internally like tied to a hamster wheel, that is forced move, forcing me to think all these horror thoughts, forcing me to run at demon’s pace. And if I go tired, and I am very tired, it will just roll on, forcing me to run on, although I am too strung out move at all. It has killed my soul. It is just fucking my mind 24/7, and I can no longer do anything else than watch it destroy me, this way at least I don’t hurt other people with it. I can currently hardly even manage my life - well I am heavily disabled, so I will have to let my relatives care for me in future. I thought I could overcome it with willpower, but it is no use - I do antipsychotic medication since 20 years or so, and I think those have made my mind too weak to handle it like you would suggest - I am exposed to this, and cannot get rid of it or overcome it.

I have to face it, my life is fucked, and I have to give up on music. It is no use anymore to lie to myself and still try, I’m downed. I am constantly strung out and in negative feelings, I simply cannot work this way anymore, it is over. It is game over, dudes.

I will try if dedicating my life to meditation could bring me some peace. Like leaving everything behind, and try to at least transcend the pain, so it does not hurt me anymore. But I guess I will fail at it, and end up in some mental institution.

Being on this forum was fun. But has to be over now. You will not read me here anymore. Have a nice time.

117

try speaking to them about changing or stopping that kind of “medicine”…if its effective medicine as they claim, why is your condition worsening?

As for the music, barely anyone will go professional really…not unless you ‘sell out’ completely as much as possible and start writing ‘ganster pop’ or whatever bullshit style which is profitable. Youll need some doiuchebag with silver shoes and a quiff, overinflated ego, saying nothing loudly to make some money…

Maybe there are a few people who make money by selling beats to singers or emcees, or doing live shows and selling CDs, T-shirts…who really pays for music anymore? The only music that people pay for is something underground which asks for a donation or something.

Honestly, look at the retarded shit that made money in the past, industry hos…puppets…that kind of thing…take the song below, this is the shit that people payed money for, its hard to beleive…most people are pretty strangely over confident in their stupidity, you can see it all around…sounds arrogant i guess but i still think its true…just take a break man, maybe take some time in natural settings…chill in a quiet park or something for a while

118

The medication you are taking is clearly not helping you. I had an uncle with schizophrenia and he was a mess.He never been hospitalized but a couple of years ago he became very unstable and aggressive so I had him hospitalized for 6 months and the doctors finally found the perfect medication for him. He is now doing very well the voices in his head are gone and he lives his life like the rest of us. Maybe you should consider spending some time in the hospital like my uncle.I wish you the best.

119

Yeah, well without meds it is much much worse, up to the point that I do not know the real surroundings well anymore, had zero memory and nice image mind show large in 3d and have to fear death by sleep deprivation after a certain amount of time. I better not try again. Maybe I’d be better in coping with the delusions and stuff with a bit less meds in blood, who knows, maybe I give that a cautious try.

Yeah, well, anyways. Things go on by themselves. So one has no other choice than to always go on and on and on…

Maybe I should stop whining, and start trying to recover. Not abandon the renoise tracks, would be a pity. What a silly idea. Time moves on. Maybe it will move me back to music one day, with a crap shit wiped clean mind.

120

At least you are aware of yourself and your feelings, that is the biggest part of being human. Even some people that seem perfectly ‘normal’ functioning through a daily life of work and sleep aren’t aware of their own feelings or mental state.

I’ve taken months/years off at times because life led me directions beyond my control, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I think you have the bug of creativity in you, I believe you will be back to making music at some point. There’s something that drew you to it in the first place, you just need to find that feeling again. You don’t need to leave the forum if you stop making music, you are part of our community and we appreciate creative minds like yours.

Your writing and expression is very good, ever think about writing a book or anything?

121

Thanks for the kind words, it really helps putting me up on my heels again.

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