Desimal Comits Suicide

I got into Renoise because of this dude. He told me about it on the DOA forum, along with Rounser, which I haven’t seen in a while on the net either.

If you didn’t know his work, check it out. He was the king of Reaktor.

And for you kids, who are going through tough one, please work your problems. We don’t want this type of stuff to happen to you. Seriously!…01987&cache=307…iewtopic&t=3332

RIP bro. :(

Damn- he made some sick tracks. This is sad. My condolences to his friends and family. I understand what they are going through. I hate it most when really talented individuals do this sort of thing.

from DOA this is coming from his brother:

man this is harsh.

shit, whats happening??? so many good people dying all around lately, i mean wtf???


EDIT: its so strange, i have been thinking about suicide myself and it doesnt scare me when i think about it. But if i hear someone else have done it, i get really upset and sad… its like a shock


if you are thinking about it, then something is already fundamentally wrong.

Please, seek professional help mate. :(

thanks man… i dont think its serious with me though. Im quite sane and think clearly. Its just sometimes it seems to me that life kinda sucks…

by the way, do you have Desimals latest track “afterlife” i would really love to listen to it… :(

Oh no. :( He seemed such a solid and confident figure on the boards, I would never have expected this to happen. :( :( :(

Silly bugger, of all the stupid things to do! :( :( Very sad. Goodbye Desimal. :(

Damn, there’s a lot of negative shadow hanging around here at the moment - if you all lived in my hometown I’d get you to come over tonight and have a dance party.

I’d dj some upbeat stuff, The Bird, Boredoms, some funny glitch-funk. No better way to leave your troubles behind you by shaking your arse for 4 hours. Oh and I’d cook you dinner. Then, at dawn, we all hop on Renoise and make some chill-out ambient jazz grooves.

For all you fans of the harder music we’ll set up a hardcore tent with raging hameroage/industrial that slowly progresses from hyperactivity toward deep drone-mantra in a major key.

We need a new thread for “good stories”. :D

Take care Renoisers…

  1. I had some good night. carl craig was playing here in my city, strangely he was not as good as the support DJs, but I had loads of fun.

  2. I got asked somewhere recently what my biggest wish in life would be and I honestly answered : “To give a huge party for all the people I know or have known and respect, especially all those that I have met only online over the years.”

Over the past couple weeks, I’ve thought about suicide a number of times. The support I have gotten from this board and from N.A. meetings has helped me conquer those feelings. Seeing this post and realizing how much of a waste suicide really is is quite an eye opener.

Thank you all.

Life’s a bitch and the you (and everyone else) f****in’ dies.

I think about it often.

I am just too chicken shit to do it.

Before I went in for open heart surgery last October was the scariest moment of my life. Not knowing what to think, say, etc. Had a tumor the size of an egg in my right atrium (right atrial myxoma). Had it for 5+ years being diagnosed with all kinds of shit (everything wrong) and never looking at my heart after seeing neurologists, rheumatologists, nephologists (kidney failure couple of years ago), multiple stroke like events, extreme pain due to severe inflammation throughout my body. Gave up body building, running, had to walk on egg shells and nobody in medical community could tell me why I felt that way. They always said something is not right, they just could not pin-point the problem.

HELLO ASSHOLES! I tell each of you motherf**kers everytime I see you it’s very hard to breath and if I walk short distances I feel like my heart is going to pound out of my chest.

Oh! He looks strong and healthy, lets look at every other god damn thing besides the heart…

Enough of my stupid whining. At least I am still alive.

I can totally see the point of suicide. Some of us are brave enough to do it and others like me have no backbone.

If it were not for reason I don’t know what I would be doing. The hobbies I enjoy are very physical ones and they are not much of an option anymore. I feel like I am an 80 year man trapped in the body of a 31 year old. I am told NEVER to touch alchohol, caffeine, etc. All these restrictions. Take this test and that test. I feel like I am slipping deeper into this whole of dept. Without my health I am useless.

Renoise helps me to be happy, when not too depressed to compose.

damn… how did the surgery come off? i hope you are better now!

When i have those suicide thinking moments i kinda think this way: i can always escape by killing myself should things turn really ugly and untolerable… so why do it now? its not like someone can take away from me that opportunity… so i better hang on and try to make my life more enjoyable… i have nothing to loose cause i can allways kill myself in the future.

Sometimes there are moments when im really happy and full of energy like this :yeah: These moments come out of the blue… I wish i had more of those moments :) cause its all just your brain… tiny chemical processes and electric impulsses that make you feel happy or sad, hate or love etc…
I think one day we will be able to just hook ourselves up with some wires and be happy forever :)


I wish I had the answer to your issue, because it is very similar to my girlfriend’s.

She has a kidney problem; she grew up with it, eventually lost a kidney when she was a teenager. The problem here is that she molded her personality in a way not to show her health problem to others. She didn’t want to be the “sick kid.”

She spent her whole teenage and adult life wearing that social mask, something that wasn’t her. Keeping up a lie is more difficult then telling the truth, and eventually it will make you tired, and one day you won’t be able to hold it anymore.

In order to try to forget her own issues, she developed compulsive type behaviors: she would spend hours cleaning her apartment, organizing things by order, color, etc; she would work from 8am to 10pm during the week and weekends, etc.

Last summer she had a kidney operation and 2 days afterwards she got in a car accident. She almost got killed.

After a life or death incident, most people start approaching life in a different way. First comes euphoria, later depression. Some people come out of it, some don’t.

After the euphoria phase, depression hit hard. She started questioning the way and the lie she was/is living in. She unburied a lot of stuff that was sitting on her shadow (her unconscious). She is still working on it. It’s been a year now.

What she is trying to accept is that she is sick but she is also healthy. It’s difficult to change 20 or so years of negative mind conditioning. But I believe it’s possible.

I’d recommend you a couple of readings:

For an understanding of the shadow (the part of the self that you don’t let anyone see) read:

-Owning Your Own Shadow : Understanding the Dark Side of the Psyche – by Robert A. Johnson

For getting rid of limiting thoughts or thoughts that just don’t help or serve you, read:

-Mind-lines: Lines For Changing Minds – by L. Michael Hall

After reading these two books, things that you were doing unconsciously, will probably become conscious. This will give you a base start to where you are and you’ll probably realize the need to dig deeper. And of course for that, I’d seek the professional help of a psychologist.

the more intelligent and thoughtful you are, the more vulnerable and receptive you get to mental illnesses, insanity and therefore also suicide…
this world lost way too many gifted artists of any kind due to this and everytime it happens again, i realize how f****ed up that circumstance is.

i didn’t know desimal in person, not even through the net… but reading this really hurts.

rest in peace graham.

if you don’t know his music, here are some links:
Desimal Tribute Mix

Yep, some serious reaktor manipulation in his tracks. and beats made in Renoise.

thanks for the link!

btw, first track in this mix is “afterlife” that i wanted to hear…
really nice song. i like drum and bass with melodies! kinda makes me sad to listen to it thogh, considering the name of the track and the fact that it was his last song… :( life is such a fragile thing

Makes me wonder though if the name of his last track was his hint and the way we chose to tell everybody about his departure to the afterlife.

It’s interesting to me to speculate and imagine what thoughts were going through his mind at that point.