Well, I’m back in Tacoma now.
My relationship of two years has come to an end.
He decided to bring a 3rd person into the relationship. At first it seemed cool–the guy was someone I was attracted to physically and he seemed really nice, and he introduced me to the concept of sobriety and N.A. meetings. Well, then there wasn’t anything to stop my mood swings, and they both said they’d be patient with me as I go through my shit during detox (yes, it’s weed, but I did it so much that I didn’t know what life was without it)–well, that turned out to be a lie.
The new guy, named Clay, decided that now that he could change that aspect of me, he’d try to change everything else about me. He ranked on the way I did everything, I was called an emotional 8 year old over 30 times in just a couple weeks, and if I said even the word “damnit” when I found out that system files had been deleted from my computer because of a virus, he would give a 1-3 hour speech on how inappropriate that type of response was. It was the final straw for me when he started ranking on the methods I use to write music, and he’s not a musician in any way–he’s tone deaf!
After he ranked on that part of me and then told me that he wouldn’t have sex with someone that’s an emotional 14 year old because it would be like child molestation, I told my boyfriend of 2 years that I needed to have some time for myself and that I wanted to spend a couple of days at a friend’s house so I could reflect on things because I felt like I was being abused–he told me that if I did, I wouldn’t be allowed back until I’ve fixed all of my problems, which could take years. He then said it would be fine for me to stay with them as long as I have no mood swings, do not complain about anything, and offer nothing negative whatsoever.
So, I left, and I’m back in Tacoma.
To top the whole thing off, over the past 2 weeks I started getting memories that I had blocked of when I was 8 years old being molested by a church pastor for over a year, and memories of my mom and grandma teaching me that looking at women and having sexual attractions to women is is degrading to women and is wrong. I had already remembered a couple occurnces of my brother trying to molest me. I came out of the closet as gay before I ever even tried being with a woman–heck I hadn’t even kissed a woman, and I still haven’t been with a woman, and I’m 33 f**king years old! I’ve never been able to enjoy sex with guys–I always emotionally went into an “I’m sorry” mode, the same mode I went into when I was being raped by the pastor–that’s why I got involved in the s&m bondage leather community when I first had sexual relations with men. Hmmm… am I even gay? I don’t even know anymore. The attractions I’ve had to men have always been more of a thing of wishing I was more like them vs. thinking about anything sexual I could do with them.
I’m still clean (drug free) and I’m now at 34 days clean, as more and more memories of abuse from both my homelife and from churches resurface. Don’t get me wrong–I have a LOT of issues about myself that I need to work on, some things that Clay said were true, but most of the things he said were just plain abusive.
Oh, and guess where I’m staying now? With my abusive grandma and enabling mother. I had hair down to my shoulders that I cut off (basically a crew cut) because I thought I was going to have to stay at shelters, and didn’t want to deal with lice if anyone at the shelters would have had it–without grooming facilities, my hair would have been dreadlocks within a week, and you can’t get lice out of dreadlocks.
TMI? Oh well, too bad. I consider the people on this message board my friends–more true friends than most friends I’ve had in my past, especially my weed friends.
)
