That’s good news. And whenever you feel down, start tracking some stuff.
This made me feel really good…
…me and my nephew with fists full of ashes going down to a riverbed where me him and my brother used to hang out. He got to throw the ashes into the river, and we spread some around a tree that we would all climb when we went down there… it was fun, I feel much better about a few things! 
man this is one of the most sad, yet intense topic we ever had here. And we really had some serious stuff…
keep up, for your friend, for your relatives, for all of us, and for yourself, and may this be the first day of your new life.
I’ve been reading this and I glazed at the screen… couldn’t find anything too say… Typical male reaction probably I want to DO something to help… But decided to put this in words anyway… I feel your pain dude! Hang on, life will balance things out for you! It always does…
Rick
im glad to hear things are starting to work out for you… keep it up man!
i, like alex and rick have stared & the screen and haven’t been able to come up with anything to say. i have never gone through anything similar in my life so i don’t have any kind of personal experience to draw from. but it looks like you have lots of friends here, me included!
Thanks. I understand that it’s not always easy to come up with something to say… I was in that situation when I was trying to comfort my friend Blakes mother when Blake had died. It’s really weird how a funeral or reception can help give closure… I think the chaos of going to the morgue and signing off for autopsies, waiting for toxicoligy reports and trying to get a funeral put together on a moments notice, and informing others about the news really make the death of a person magnify and create alot of stress. I’m just glad this week is over… whew. Now I gotta play catch up with school and all that stuff. Thank you guys for your support. Sorry if that was weird or uncomfortable when I posted this origionaly… I wasn’t too straight at the moment. The advice given to me by you guys was what I followed (look to humor for comfort, find a councelor, and just support in general)… and it helped alot. I think I was just going to stew over it and just swallow this and shove it down and lock it away. Dealing with this stuff is hard when you do it right, it seems like it will never end, but in the long run it is much healthier. I feel alot better the past couple days. I’m working on a really dope tune right now that reminds me of my brother. Thanks again!
I may get late into this, but a few words from me aswell :
first of all, something that I really believe in and which takes me trough my life is that theory that “everything ends sometimes”. this can ofcourse be taken in a negative way, that nothing good is going to last forever, but more importantly it simply tells you that all those hard times will come to an end eventually.
Dont be afraid to be down and in a bad mood. I too currently have a very bad mood and “f**** you all”-attitude because some shit in my personal life started to tighten up, some plans I had did fail completely, and a few people that I thought to be good friends disappointed me badly , but I was never afraid to have these moods. Just tell people that you are really fed up at the moment and need time to straighten things out and dont be afraid to ask people for help, there are always those that understand your situation and will help you because they care for you. Its especially important to keep people away that want something from you, there was some big event here in my city this weekend and people started calling and sending mails why I didnt show up and I really just answered “because I am not up to it.” (and thought "yeah f you, I dont want to see your stupid faces.") I am really a misantrophic type of guy, apart from a few exceptions people easily start to bore me and go on my nerves, and at hard times I simply dont want to be bothered with people.
And suicide seems to be an option, I had my thoughts and tries years ago. But honestly, I did got trough so much shit in my life that now I am not afraid anymore, I solved so much that I am sure I can solve whatever lies ahead of me, and more importantly, there is so much great stuff ahead, I dont want to miss it.
Its really important how to deal with it, if you feel angry then for example just go on the internet and start ranting at people you dont like anyway (nazi-boards are a good place for me to release steam) and if you feel down just do something on your own that keeps you occupied (watching movies or playing some game, TV sucks on the other hand) and sleep alot (really).
Or try doing things that give you something positive, another example for me to get my ego back on track are places on the net where people ask questions that I can answer easily, its nice to see all those “thank you” notes coming in, I am not kidding. Spending time with small children is really an option too, its great to play with a child and make it happy, it really gives its positive energy right back to you and more importantly they have no concept of depression and dont start to ask questions or try to solve your problem for you. Just be sure you are up to it, if you are really really down it might not be a good idea.
To sum it up : It’s important to know yourself, know what can do to get you up again (ofcourse you should be doing this before you get in a deep depression), dont be afraid to avoid people if you are down (or telling them straight and truthfully that you dont want to be bothered with anything because you are busy with yourself) and just tell yourself that there will be better times. Not in an abstract way, but for real. And take your time.
This whole thing makes my problems seem insignificant. I feel bad for not seeing and responding to this post eariler.
I’ve not had anyone really close to me die, and my immediate family has generally handled death via ignoring it, so I can’t really offer anything even partially beneficial.
I’m glad you’ve been able to get support where you can, and all I can really say is that I wish you the best.
I look forward to hearing some tunes from you.
they’re not though… you shouldn’t downplay your problems. everyone has their own different struggles
Just wanted to say that recovering from loosing someone close takes much much longer time than most people understand.
So don’t be surprised if you suddenly feel down in a year.
Its normal. But people who havn’t had that experience might not allways understand and might expect you to have recovered in a month or so.
I’m doing alot better… but I fed up big time a few days ago. I was really sad on memorial day (not because of the holiday)… well for some stupid reason decided I wanted to get fed up and try and see what my brother and best friend had found in it that was losing their life over. So I looked for all the booze in the house I could find… I ended up eating about 6mg of xanax, a couple of perkasets, 2 bottles of some fing nasty african red wine, a bottle of jager, I don’t know how many beers (I smashed the bottles) and a few leftover swigs of vodka… I sat down at the table and just drank it all till it was finished. I got up and surprisingly I didn’t puke- but I was definetly violently beligerent. I finally passed out, and woke up about three in the morning, and got up and found another bottle of white wine, and some more beer (I was still fed up though)… I don’t remember too much of anything after that, but apparently I ended up calling my ex girlfriend and and ended up going to her friends house with her as she was worried about me (when she picked me up I was half passed out between the street and the curb in the gutter next to my building)… well I got my second wind somehow and started acting up again… I broke a bunch of windows in her friend’s house and started cutting myself with the glass and ended up puking all over the couch and yelling at people and shit (you know- just being selfish and telling them they didn’t know what I was going through and stupid shit like that- god I was fing stupid). I finally passed out again… I woke up at about 11, and saw all the shit I had done… but for some reason my ex wasn’t mad at me (I guess she was used to this shit from me when I was fed up in the past). And luckily her friend is a rich gay clothing model for some name brand clothing line and wasn’t at all upset about the damage I had done to his property, he actually made me breakfast and cleaned up all stupid wounds I had given myself. And thank heavens he lives close to the mountains and he doesn’t have neighbors close by that heard me. I made it to school that day but was completely useless. My teacher sent me to the counselors office where I they debated calling the Denver General Hospitol… they were wanting me to go to the psych ward for 72 hours, but I refused. I just wanted to go home and sleep. I ended up selling one of my synths and brought the cash to guys house to try and give him some money for f****ing his shit up, but he refused it and said not to worry… 
. I just can’t believe how hospitable he was towards me after how I had acted. My ex is being really supportive. I’ve definetly come to remember why I lost the taste for that behaviour… and God I don’t want to see another liquor bottle for as long as I live. I mean this was absolutely nothing that makes me crave drinking again. I think i got a few bottled up things out of my system now, but I wish I could have just done it in a more appropriate manner. I still feel all out of whack- I’ve had the spins here and there since that morning. Blehh… I’m mostly just pissed cause I had almost 4 1/2 years of sobriety under my belt. I’m just glad that day is over with!
I’m looking foward to better days!
I have definetly been working on a new track that I think will help me deal with some anger- it’s a f****ing floor banger! I can’t wait till I get done with it. I think it may be press worthy if I actually take my time with it. I’ll post it when I’m finished… which won’t be for another week or so (finals and a million projects for clients and school due).
that was stupid indeed…
I wonder what forces people to flip out like that when things are going better allready. And whats with all that booze and pills and stuff?? i think i will never understand that. I mean if i will decide to end it all and kill myself i will go all the way. But as long as im alive i will live in a healthy manner… There is no point in crippleing yourself by cutting wrists or f****ing up your kindney, liver etc… why people do that? to get attention? f**k it, the price is way too high for that
Oh yeah- it was stupid. Trust me, I’ve been living healthy for a while, but I guess I just had one of those nights. I don’t think I was seeking attention or something to that effect… he told me a just started smashing all his shit and was grabbing the broken pieces of percelin and glass and bashing my self in the chest and stomach while I was yelling. I think I was supposed to get stiches on my side, but they can’t really give them to you after 12 hours of the wound being opened. I don’t know what was up with me. I don’t remember. I was on some destructo shit that night. I know I wasn’t trying to kill myself… I mean I’m have enough of an ego even when I’m out of my mind not kill myself in a cliche manner after two of my friends did. It sounds bizzare, but it kind of relieved me of some shit even though I don’t remember it. But my body is definetly feeling the toll right now (somehow I managed a black eye, but he said nobody hit me which I find kinda hard to believe). I think I’m good on that side of things for a long time.
most suicidal attempts are not really meant to go all the way. There comes a time when you feel that you really need something drastic to make someone listen to you. Kind of to prove that you are really really needing some attention now. Apart from that some people start to go all the way and then while they are at it they become afraid and cancel the whole thing.
I can understand both, really. Been there. (a long time ago)
It just hits me that it was actually in a situation that was not too different of the one I am in now and I think its a good sign that I never thought about suicide in the past weeks. lesson learned.
Very true. Your state of happiness goes up and down like the stock market (i.e. a lot). There won’t be a state where everything will be fine from then on, just a state of flux throughout your life.
I really feel for you Louis, and I’m sorry you’ve lost some of the closest people to you in such horrible ways.
Our family’s been through some rough times due to Huntingdon’s disease (especially my Nan, who’s not even a sufferer). I was lucky enough to be negative in the tests, but my younger brother and sister were not so lucky, and we all felt bad for a long time, especially knowing how it affected, and eventually killed our mother. I still used this as an excuse to go off the rails but came to my senses after thinking hard about what someone had told me:
“The lucky ones have choices.”
I wish you a peaceful time ahead.
Thanks for the condolence, and like wise to you and your family. That’s good to know that you tested negetive for that. You have a life ahead of you, and now that you don’t have to worry about that, you can live unpredictabaly and not knowing you may face certain doom (although that card is in everybodies deck).
It’s true, the lucky ones do have choices… I need to remember this. Because I am not in a bad situation anymore. There isn’t anything that drugs or being self destructive can make better… so I don’t need to resort to those types of second nature reflexes. Thank you very much… (although I was hoping this thread would sink to the second page to be forgotten- I now feel naked because of some of the stuff I had talked about). But luckily you guys are an understanding and empathetic bunch of humans, so I am not so embarrased.
If you really want this to be non visible I’m sure you can ask a mod to hide it…
I’m truly sorry for your loss Louis. I hope it all works out eventually.