It's like I'm starting over, instrument-wise

I’m really good at going into more details than is necessary.

I’m on disability. 2006 I ended a relationship where a 3rd person had been brought in for the last couple months who was abusive, had me believing that everything cool about me was something horrible, and he had me believing that I was not worthy of human touch. Only one time later that year did I receive human touch until later this year. I’ve always had panic and self-esteem issues, but what the guy told me was something I started to believe about myself. By 2009 my panic and other issues had gotten to the point where I could no longer function and I applied for disability. 2010 they put my on Zyprexa. Zyprexa made me lose all interest in music writing and anything creative, it sucked all the creative thought out of my head and I became like a drone, empty of thought, oh but it got rid of my panic. Between then and the end of 2012 (January of this year is when I started ramping down the Zyprexa and eventually got completely off it in March), I stopped caring about any of my software instruments, I lost a lot of files for song ideas and didn’t care if I did, I lost all my drum loops, I lost the very best collection–the Bill Bruford drum loop collection, all in aif and wav format. I lost so much, and now that I feel I’m back, I don’t know where to start as far as finding decent instruments.

Just about all I have left are a big collection of free synth VST instruments, I have a Arturia CS-80 with a keygen, I have SampleTankII but the keygen doesn’t work on Windows 7.

I’m just at a loss.

I’m ready to actually try messing with samples more than just drum loops, creating instruments with my voice, or adding vocals to a song. I’ve been resistant to the whole thing for a long time, I’m hesitant to grab samples from other songs out of fear of feeling like I’ve “ripped someone off”, even if I’m turning it into something completely different. It’s a mostly irrational fear.

I don’t even really know what kind of music I want to make now. Quite frankly, in the past, the instruments would write the songs, if that makes any sense. I would hear a sound, and it would just, in my mind, automatically play a certain kind of phrase and a song would start right away. Back in the EARLY Amiga days, all I COULD work with were samples (until I got my sound modules), and I would pick some very strange things to sample from. I should probably try tapping into that again. But I also would sometimes just rip sounds out of games and such and see if I could use them to sound like something, there was the challenge of getting something that wasn’t supposed to be an instrument and turn it INTO an instrument.

I guess I’m just wanting some advice. It’s like I’m completely having to re-invent myself as a musician, I feel like I’m having to start completely over.

So really, any advice, or perspective, or really anything could be very helpful.


Yeay, a friend of mine has the Bill Bruford collection!

Hi Kizzume, nice to hear you are back, although is not nice to hear what you have been through these years…

My personal experience I can share with you is: some years ago, “someone” has stolen all my HDD (including backups) and music software. I still had online backup on my site of my XM files and of all the XRNS files which had no VST’s (very few, unfortunately), while the rest got almost completely lost, including XRNI instruments.

What I tried to do was to not despair: I went to local Police to write down a list of stolen stuff, contacted every software manifacturer to get a backup DVD of the softwares I owned, and managed in some weeks to at least get a working station again.

What was (and still is) more challenging is a way to overcome the “blank page syndrome” which I’m suffering since then: my old songs were like a confidence “pillow” where I could sit and gave me self-esteem as a composer (a self-taught one, which makes things worse, at least for me), and although it seemed initially that everything was ok, since I had an online backup of a preview of the song I was making while the steal happened and I managed to finish the song (although it ended to be a quite different song, but I think this was expectable), I then have been unable to finish songs as easily as before. My HDD is full of sketches but the process of elaborating a complete song has become more painful for me.

Inspiration for me has always come from facts of life, but as the everyday routine started becoming more and more prominent into my life (work-family-whatever), I progressively lost interest into composing. I also started to get way more active into sports than I was before: since about 4 years from now, I regularly play basketball, table-tennis and chess, keeping my evenings busy about 5-6 days a week.

I still managed to compose new songs, but composing is no more an “urge” I feel constantly. However, when I get the right mood,I still get really deep into composing. I recently ended the relationship with my girlfriend (it was my decision) and Renoise is now again a main interest: I am creating a remake of a very old song of mine (one of those XM files I had online) and I am very excited about it. Not to mention that part of the excitement is due to the fact that I am using a very special Renoise version which many people think it doesn’t exist at all… ;)

I hope you will find your way to get out of the mud; all I could do is to share my experience.

Thanks for your story and perspectives. And yeah, that blank page syndrome is quite the overwhelming thing.

But yeah, I’m definitely ready to compose again. These past couple months have actually resulted in me now having a REAL self-esteem, something I never really had before, as odd as that sounds–I always used to walk with my head pointed down and felt ashamed when I’d talk to anyone, now I seem to be able to talk to anyone about just about anything. I no longer judge myself over my sexuality (I always was out of the closet, but I actually still judged myself), I know my own conscience is my own now, that I shouldn’t feel bad or ashamed just for having nonstandard opinions, and that I’m capable of all the things that I used to think required some sort of connection with a higher power because I didn’t believe in myself before. This year has been an amazing year for me. I’ve reinvented myself, so-to-speak, and it seems I’m finally to reinvent myself as a musician as well.

I’m also on disability and a shitload of medications. I suffer from disorders that are hereditary, chemical imbalance in the nervous system. No treatment for that kind of thing, other than medications :confused:

Kizzume!! I’ve sometimes wondered over the past few years what happened to you. You are one of the ones I remember well from my early days with Renoise in 2005, as you posted lots of songs on the Renoise song forum. (P.S… Anyone remember Kcirr3d and whatever happened to him!?)

Anyway, sorry to hear things hadn’t been going well for you, but I’m glad to hear they are looking up! I myself have had some struggles over the years, as I think we all do. The whole year of 2009 in particular was a complete nightmare for me with OCD and depression. It has been a long, slow uphill climb since then. Of course some times are better than others, I’ll still go through a down spell occasionally, but nothing like the nightmarish hell of back then.

Anyway! My only advice RE: Samples, etc, is maybe you should examine whether you really need all that crap or not. There’s plenty of people who suffer from the “dilemma of choice”, and actually get less done when they have way too many options. Sometimes it can help to streamline your flow. Case in point: From around October 2011 thru end of 2012, my main way of producing music was on a 600mhz Windows CE Device -
On which the only useful music software that could run is Sunvox
Yeah, admittedly pretty ghetto, but it’s a powerful software despite the limitations, and I actually ended up writing more music during that year or so period than I probably ever have in the past. Some of it can be heard in my Sunvox set on Soundcloud. OK, yes, I used a desktop for mixing and adding vocals, BUT the amount of time I was able to spend at the desktop was much more limited, so none of those songs would have ever been possible if it hadn’t been for the freedom of using this limited little device on my lunchbreaks and late at night on the couch, etc.

Anyway, Yeah I have the same problem of always talking too much and all that good stuff. Maybe that’s why I always liked you :)

Anyway (2), of course it’s always up to you of your own approach, but this is but 1 suggestion of how to go about it: Pick a vsti or two, a small drum sample library, and see how much you can write with it in a month or two :)

Peace friend

P.S… If you haven’t figured it out yet, Soundcloud is the “place to be” these days as far as music hosting. It serves a double (triple?) purpose for me, because not only do I host my music there, I also discover tons of great new stuff to listen to, and have made a little network of likeminded musicians. Every once in a blue moon I might get a useful comment on one of my songs too (instead of just a “nice one, bro”). Ha

Wow, sorry for halting the entire conversation… Not intentional!

No, you didn’t halt the conversation. I just didn’t know how to face this stuff. I’m sorry for not responding sooner.

Well, I hope you’re doing alright :) Keep in touch man :walkman:

I’m doing alright, I’m doing really good actually. I just want to start making music again but I can’t seem to come to my own production standards in electronic music.

I hear ya Dude. :D

Im on some crazy shit for what I have ( ). This article ( ) might be usefull. Especially the “Using the sampler as a freestyle multitrack sub recorder” section. The new phrase feature works like this. ;D

Hang in there, I know what its like have your meds kill creativity. It can take you some time to adjust but being creative is who we are.

Much more power in v3 to build some amazing instruments

I know this is an ancient, ancient thread, and I hope none of it is relevant anymore.

But - in the event that it is:

Consider this. PTSD is a real thing, and you don’t have to be in a combat zone to get it.

And there’s a new set of options for medication-type treatments out there that aren’t particularly ‘behavior’ / ‘thought’ altering. Get this:

Alpha-adrenergic inhibitors - they’re blood pressure medication. And they help out with the hypervigilance, the physical feelings of tightness and whatnot.

And they help with nightmares.

The Kizzume Fowler. I know you from youtube’s ranting community, if you can even call it a community. And I had no idea you had a thing with Renoise.

If this topic is still relevant; Renoise 3 really detonated the possibilities for sample based instruments in to an explosion of new ideas for me.