I’m really good at going into more details than is necessary.
I’m on disability. 2006 I ended a relationship where a 3rd person had been brought in for the last couple months who was abusive, had me believing that everything cool about me was something horrible, and he had me believing that I was not worthy of human touch. Only one time later that year did I receive human touch until later this year. I’ve always had panic and self-esteem issues, but what the guy told me was something I started to believe about myself. By 2009 my panic and other issues had gotten to the point where I could no longer function and I applied for disability. 2010 they put my on Zyprexa. Zyprexa made me lose all interest in music writing and anything creative, it sucked all the creative thought out of my head and I became like a drone, empty of thought, oh but it got rid of my panic. Between then and the end of 2012 (January of this year is when I started ramping down the Zyprexa and eventually got completely off it in March), I stopped caring about any of my software instruments, I lost a lot of files for song ideas and didn’t care if I did, I lost all my drum loops, I lost the very best collection–the Bill Bruford drum loop collection, all in aif and wav format. I lost so much, and now that I feel I’m back, I don’t know where to start as far as finding decent instruments.
Just about all I have left are a big collection of free synth VST instruments, I have a Arturia CS-80 with a keygen, I have SampleTankII but the keygen doesn’t work on Windows 7.
I’m just at a loss.
I’m ready to actually try messing with samples more than just drum loops, creating instruments with my voice, or adding vocals to a song. I’ve been resistant to the whole thing for a long time, I’m hesitant to grab samples from other songs out of fear of feeling like I’ve “ripped someone off”, even if I’m turning it into something completely different. It’s a mostly irrational fear.
I don’t even really know what kind of music I want to make now. Quite frankly, in the past, the instruments would write the songs, if that makes any sense. I would hear a sound, and it would just, in my mind, automatically play a certain kind of phrase and a song would start right away. Back in the EARLY Amiga days, all I COULD work with were samples (until I got my sound modules), and I would pick some very strange things to sample from. I should probably try tapping into that again. But I also would sometimes just rip sounds out of games and such and see if I could use them to sound like something, there was the challenge of getting something that wasn’t supposed to be an instrument and turn it INTO an instrument.
I guess I’m just wanting some advice. It’s like I’m completely having to re-invent myself as a musician, I feel like I’m having to start completely over.
So really, any advice, or perspective, or really anything could be very helpful.