Personal post, I don’t really have too many friends - those I do have probably don’t have time or the inclination to hear me ramble on. Of course, nobody here might either - but at least anonymously through the screen I don’t need to see the boredom, or worse - pity, in people’s eyes.
I might be autistic, I’ve had a proper assessment via my employer - waiting for the NHS (UK resident here, the wait times are insane) to do the same tests etc. Of a possible “score” of 45/50 for likeliness of Autism Spectrum Disorder following interview. At almost 40 years old, it’s a little late in the day but explains a lot. I’m definitely Borderline Personality Disorder. Chronic depressive and anxiety sufferer.
I procrastinate a lot. Like, a lot. When I am presented with myriad options, my brain seizes up into paralysis and I just default to comforting activities or I shut down and stare at the wall until things settle down. I am also horrendous with money and I am in a good old chunk of debt. Close to £30k. I have nothing to show for it. I am very prone to deep obsessions and with a good credit rating, I buy things I don’t need to “participate” in said interests. I buy things, sell them for a loss, buy them again, sell for a loss, buy them again etc. The pattern extends, of course, to Audio software. I currently own three DAWs, I just bought Bitwig on credit. I haven’t even started to use it, like I’ve installed it and configured the audio and plugin paths - listened to a demo project.
I have already listed it on eBay.
Since May 2020 when I made the decision to get into this all again, I’ve owned Bitwig twice (third time now), Renoise twice, Reason 12 three times, Cubase twice, Reaper and Studio One once. This is just one hobby I treat like this. When it comes to consoles and console gaming, the pattern is identical. This is a deep shame.
I have been flipping between Windows 11 and Linux - no lie, in the last week I have wiped my system, installed Manjaro, set it all up, installed a VM, created a Windows 10 VM and created a bootable W11 memory stick, moved back to windows, set everything up and then wiped it, installed Manjaro… no lie 5 times. Since the start of THIS year I have done this 10 or 11 times. I’ve destroyed all my memory sticks, ordered new ones, done the cycle, had to explain all the memory sticks to my wife (lol) asked her to hide it - then in secret scoured the house and done the cycle anew. I’m on my 5th PC case of the last 6 months, chasing quite what I do not know, I just keep buying them to “upgrade”.
I have also got a bit paranoid about privacy, I’ve thrown money away by developing a sudden hatred of DRM like iLok - so I contacted all the companies whose software I have bought and insisted that they delete my accounts and licences. My £99 copy of Decapitator? Gone. A few Softube, Izotope plugins - like dust in the winds of history. I sent an awful email to iLok and now that account itself and all licences are gone. The privacy concerns drive me off Windows (even though it works wonderfully for me) and to Linux. I feel out of my depth with Linux and so back to Windows I go.
I’m pretty broken mentally right now. Signed off sick from work. Adrift in the limbo of the health system. My physical health is similarly poor, flared right up by the mental health - fibromyalgia (chronic joint pain, fatigue, memory issues etc.) - so it’s a shitty loop.
This is all so way off topic, what began as an idea to try to reduce option paralysis has devolved into an outpouring of mental shit. I had intended to narrow the option paralysis by seeking advice re: the best DAW to keep out of the options at hand. Maybe just give away my copy of Renoise to somebody for the hell of it, except the cycle of trying to discipline myself through harming myself financially as a deterrent hasn’t ever worked. I can’t hold myself accountable at all. When I came back to making music as a therapeutic solution to long, long-standing mental health issues it was supposed to be breezy and light and a creative outlet. Like so many hobbies, I have ruined it.
I should probably post this on a Neurodiversity support forum, but without a “formal” diagnosis I feel like a fraud - the impostor syndrome is real and I’d worry about being judged for the excessive nerdiness of my current manifestations of this issue.
I should probably delete this. Or ask the mods to permaban me for the shame of it. What the fuck am I even doing.
Time to install Manjaro (again).