Royally fucked myself... Radial Nerve Palsy robbed me of a hand


I Took April 8, 9th and 10th off of work for Thelemic religious holidays. Each year I get with my church & fraternity and we celebrate each of the days & throw a big party. It’s our “Feast for the three days of the writing of the Book of the Law” (aka Liber Al). I live with 3 other “Thelemites” and its become a tradition that at least one day is spent at our place, another at a different house and one at a public place. Anyways…

I also have been working on a track the past few months with my Dad. He’s playing guitar and has been practicing riffs I wrote and the leads he’s been coming up with. We were doing this causally, until he got a sudden job offer that left us with with a small window to finish what we started. The way things ended up we had no choice but to record the same night my roommates and I had planned to host our party. So despite the full house and other hurdles we manage to get quite a bit recorded. Pretty sure my Dad melted a face or two when a few friends came to watch. We worked straight threw the night till the sun came up, afterward that we picked up his suitcases at his place then went to the bus station and said our goodbyes. My Dads never left Vegas for an extended time, but something about working on music till the last second made me content with the whole thing. After I got back to my house I didnt wanna let the night end so I decided to get back to renoise while the buzz still lingered in the air or until I crashed. I try coming up with the distortion and other effects for the recordings. I cycle threw the endless combinations and start nodding out, then eventually I pass out entirely, for about 3 hours.


I wake up to what feels like a dead arm, its beyond numb and as hard as a rock. Its also contorted and twisted looking, a lot like a person with cerebral palsy. I passed out with my head on my forearm and had my hand hanging off the edge of the desk. At first I started to wonder if I woke up some kinda Hell or alternate reality. That this is just some cosmic joke/horror. I knew I wasn’t dreaming, but I also felt like this can’t be happening. I tried everything I could to think of to get my hand to at least look normal. Despite how hard I try to move wrist or fingers they simply have no response at all. I start piano warm up stretches, then I shake both my hands like wet hands, and I get more intense until i start hurting my left hand, but each finger is just locked in the same spot and I’m beginning to panic. Something is really wrong and idk why but my gut has this sick feeling in it. I’m quickly turning into a total wreck. I’m hyperventilated and sweating imagining what life gonna be like if it stays this way. Thinking that piano and guitar might be memories is torture… Renoise even starts to look foggy. When I see how ugly my hand looks I can feel all self esteem or value I gave myself drop. The entire time the ‘rational survivor’ in me keeps saying I’m over-reacting, everything will be fine.

I shake Jed out of bed and demand he take me to a QuickCare, they tell me to go to Sunrise hospital. The lady puts me in the trauma unit! Them taking it so serious doesn’t make me feel much better…

Finally the doc examines me and within 5 minutes tells me I’ll recover entirely, but its gonna be a few months.

I’m relieved this isn’t forever!

A few months isn’t too bad! …wrong

The whole hand has been useless the first week. Its been over two weeks now and I just started to be able to button my shirt and tie my boots this morning. Typing is out of the question! The mouse is still a chore. I’m pretty good about keeping calm when I get injured, I broke my left hand about a year ago (fifth metacarpal) and I thought I was gonna be fine. I tried to sleep it off… The next morning my hand was huge and turning blue.The doc had to re-break it. I needed surgery. It still hasn’t made a full recovery! It still hurts to make a fist… So, if I jumped the gun and let the fear take hold its was because I just got over breaking the left hand. After realizing how bad breaking my left pinky had been, having no right arm at all seems beyond tragic. If I had to live with an ugly useless hand I’d be better off dead.

This was an eye opener. I really need to take better care of myself. I live like I could care less if I die or not, I’ve had brushes with death and found myself indifferent toward the outcome, but as I get older and I realize just how often I survive my stupid stunts, but at a price. My back hurts constantly, I don’t bounce back from injury. My ears ring like bells in silence. Risks aren’t as black and white as I like to pretend. I’m not the thrill seeker I used to be, but for once I’m starting to wonder if I should been trying to make the right choice, instead of simply avoiding the wrong ones.

At least this injury is virtually painless

Here is a pic of my last break too

That doesn’t sound like a lot of fun, but i’m glad to hear your hand is gonna heal. :o

Dude I had that moment several years back, when I realized it was time to start actively taking better care of myself after years of abuse and assuming I would always bounce back from anything I did to myself. Be glad you had that realization, a lot of people don’t and a lot of people don’t understand when they’re young that what they do to themselves now will cost them later in life, often much more than they think. Good luck.

I really need to take better care of myself.

+1 If you had told me your story in person, that’s exactly what I would have replied.

I’ve had some pretty serious bike crashes which made me come to that realization years ago. And if I should forget, the scars are still there to remind me.

But I don’t get it… All you did was sleep with your head on your arm? How is that not taking care of yourself? Our bodies shouldn’t be able to so easily get messed up with a simple mistake like that. I think something else might be going on here.

Though I do have a similar, but less intense, story. When I was still living at my parents’ house many years ago, my room was a complete wreck and I even used my bed as storage space for stuff. I just had a small area on one end of the bed where I slept, the short way across the bed. So my legs hung out over the end of the bed. Every night for years :slight_smile: I noticed after a couple years of this, my knees started to feel weird and would pop frequently. I think it was because of the pressure of hanging over the edge all those times.

After moving out it probably took 5 years before they got back to “normal”.

Now I sleep sitting up in a chair :slight_smile:

I basically got 6 hours of sleep over the 3 days. Crazy amounts of energy drinks :unsure:

The injury really opened my eyes to how reckless I can be because the last thing I thought I did was sleep on it wrong. In the hysterical moments I basically went threw a mental laundry list of bad choices I make, trying to pinpoint why my arm stopped functioning. For a moment I thought maybe I just couldn’t remember what I did…

The idea crossed my mind that I probably just slept on it wrong, but it seemed like the equivalent if losing a finger, to a paper cut.

It can happen from having pressure on a body part for an extended period.

I had something minor happen to me recently that was similar,but not to that extent. I woke the other morning and three of my fingers had pins and needles and it wouldn’t go away. The panic set in and i tried everything to get the feeling back. I contemplated the possibility of not being able to play guitar/bass/keys etc. I went through something similar as you described SynthisterNation.

4/5 hours later i got the feeling back and i can’t express the relief. I feel your pain.

My wife had an ankle injury a few years ago working on setting up a friends studio, she was in a sitting position that put weight on her ankle and before long, her whole foot was numb. She went to the docs and found she had nerve damage. The doc had to actually make an incision and grab the nerve and stretch it back out to it’s proper position. It took quite a few months, though it healed.

Pressure can do things like that to the body. Though the body can also heal and people can bounce back from pretty extraordinary injuries.

As previously stated, maybe this happened so you can take better care of yourself?

I know i am also guilty of not looking after myself such as not sleeping enough, for the drive to create is so strong.

i often pass out in my studio before realizing i should be in bed.

in fact, It’s nearly 4am as i type this :smashed:

Hang in there and heal up, you’ll be back in no time :wink:

I, too, have the not sleeping enough affliction. I usually stay up anywhere from 3am-5am average and wake up anywhere from 8:30am - 10am average.

Renoise insomniacs unite!

Hands been making progress. After jumping threw all the hoops I finally should be seeing a specialist today who’ll let me know the extent of damage and come up with a recovery plan.

I miss renoise! I even miss my job…

A little but of irony for ya’
As I’m waiting in the ER my piano teacher called me. I haven’t heard from her in over a year. So either the God’s are cruel or telling me where I should go from here. I imagine piano could be a powerful form of physical therapy.

Glad you are on the path to healing and I do mean it. Kind of echoing what you said earlier, Part of me would not want to live without being able to make music. Being creative is both a burden and a blessing.
None of us will never be “normal” and we will in our lifetime, experience what others cannot.
I truly think through music, we can transcend the human experience and for better or worse, I am greatful.
Ps: music is great therapy indeed :wink:
Maybe you could use this time to build on theory or just enjoy the myriad of amazing music out there :slight_smile:

get well buddy, its horrible when shit actually gets serious. that feeling of “what the fuck have I done to myself” is pretty terrifying. im quite good when it comes to other peolpes blood, but if i see my own then it might as well be a pair of knickers attached to a 15 year old girl thats getting a personal sing song from bieber writing this. white,wet, and could crumple on the ground any second.

Hope you going to be allright and recover bro, all the best and healing energy ) )) )))

I can now say I’m 93% recovered. The only thing I need is a little more strength in the wrist. I only seem to notice when I left things in the way you would a hammer. I can almost curl a gallon of milk to ear level but once it goes above the heart it gives out. I still haven’t worked on music since the accident. It’s been a personal hiatus. I’ve been busy working and free time is spent reading Dune or practicing magic. That’s gonna change now.Time to crack into renoise and try and figure out where I left off.

Holla’ @ me if u wanz 2 collab!

So good to hear you are on the mend.
Ps. I would very much like to collab, though I have a lot going on at the moment, get back to you on that.