So this will be creepy pasta, please don’t troll or gaslight, I’ve already enough of that!
Hello Renoise community looking for some advice, as I’m dealing with an insane mind trip story which also involves this community. I’m currently again in a very bad place. I believe I am also Aspergers autist, and going for late life diagnose, but this is only part of the problem I believe. For long years I thought I was suffering schizophrenia, was diagnosed, nothing helped. I had started hearing “voices” of all kinds and experiencing what seems all the weirdest forms of mind manipulations, like something 24/7 hours a day external subtly psychologically tormenting and harassing me in very bad ways. In retrospective it really seems like human experiments, as if something tried to make me commit all kinds of destructive deeds with mind manipulations and to subdue my will with all the worst kinds of trauma control you could ever do to a person - by entering their mind and manipulating the consciousness. It is really like the worst sadistic human experiments, I’ve often wished I’d rather be dead than tortured on, however my faith in that this world was in the end created by a good God who would not let me down in the end always kept me alive, and I am glad even when my life is constant torture due to the visions I have.
And I always had this weird feeling that my case was unusual - I’ve never lost my awareness that the visions and voices are not what they tried to seem, that they are just like other perceptions or thoughts in my mind, just seeming additional to it, or like invisible hands at times trying to force and controlling my will, decision, thinking, imagination etc. Even when I was diagnosed schizophrenia, I was always aware of my state and described my experience as rationally as I could, always exactly knowing what was illusion and what belonged to the reality I was used, even when psychological torture of course will make you believe one or another lie at some time, you cannot avoid this after some months of being suffocated in evil illusion. Likewise, antipsychotic medications never eased my symptoms, but just rendered my mind a little more numb so the visions became a little more faint and I was much harder to bed caused panic and rage by the torment, so I kept taking them.
After many years, like around 2015, I started realizing what was the real cause of my problems, but it took me years to be able to understand in a way so I could even think or act out of it. I always remembered a scene of my past, where a girl had low key ritually abused me, playing with my feelings then making me sit with closed eyes expecting something harmless, afterwards I had a red liquid on my forehead, was traumatized, and made promise to keep quiet about the abuse. That girl had for sure a very bad aura and definitely deceived me and also kept gaslighting me with her friends and also repeated a similar yet less drastic abuse when I couldn’t defend at least one time. I believe I was drugged with something I didn’t know already that night, and the next day she led me to a friend, who gave me something to smoke claiming it was a harmless herb to enhance a joint, it probably was not, afterwards I felt like my brain was melting, I didn’t get high but only felt as if my thinking was completely destroyed. Like a sheep before it’s shearers I was dumb, because I somehow could not realize what these people were doing with me. Ever since I was sick and in part deluded and having subconscious visions trying to gain control over me with the worst threat and fear…but it was only subconsious visions going all the time, so I could neither reject them consciously, nor understand what was happening. The voices I heard demanding my obedience, always took reference to the abuse, which I started understanding as such only 15 years later. Well, something must have always protected me, or somebody must have lied to whoever caused these voices, because they always seemed to assume I had somehow abused the girl and promised a spiritual pact as compensation, which I never had, so no matter what they did, I always resisted and never followed the voices. 2 1/2 years later, during civil service as conscientious objector, I started hallucinating real bad and also consciously, but only nonsense stories, so when I soon looked for help and was diagnoses schizophrenia, I also believed in this sickness and kept wondering why other affected were so different like me, having irrational delusions instead of those I had, and unlike me also usually believing in what they had to see.
So in this place all the abuse unraveled for 25 years… I was bed-ridden for 10 years, then started recovering. When I recovered and started gaining a life, also by joining this and other communities for learning crafts by sharing the knowledge I had without expecting anything. All along the way, I alway again and again had, among the “psychological torture mind control experiments” these subconscious voices in my mind, as if people I had seen in forums etc. were trying to set me up, command and control me, trying to involve in in this or that publicly visible thing. I always subconsciously rejected the voices, because I wasn’t aware of any free will involvement, I really just wanted to be a free dude sharing my knowledge in a forum and winning by gaining inspiration and more knowledge from only that. I never viewed myself as part of any “scene”, so I went fully only self-responsible - while these “demons” always tried to convince me otherwise and set me up and tried to control me with the worst stories you could imagine. I always resisted, and believe it was also due to a higher help defending me in my mind, taking over it and denying all unrighteous accusations and commands I had in my head, making me reject any interaction with the mental things I was presented in my subconsciousness at times.
During the years this got more and more pressing, and more and more groups entered my mind competing, like demosceners from this channel, but also warlocks from mental illness and spirituality groups, conservative Christians, extremist leftists, even outright neo-nazis who would use me as a punching bag for their combat excercises in traumatizing and subdueing a person. All tried to subdue and threaten me, none of them ever talked a single open or fair word with me, even in my mind. At many times I saw what seemed like people informing or also claiming things from me, but always in a weird way exactly at these moments I was unable to understand and process what they said, and had to immediatley forget. Also again and again I sense something as if there were cast artificial mind states into my mind after such statements of other provocations, and it seemed to me as if there were intruders into my mind who would take “photos” of my mind to prove my voluntary status, knowledge, guilt etc. to me in single moments over and over again without me having control over it or these testimonies being truthful. After that, I heard lengthy threats in my mind that this was false evidence for satanic courts and they had me in their hands and I should obey. With such methods, I was and still am tortured 24 hours a day, even until today. Something else also entered my mind, and started protecting me against these things, removing them from my mind immediately and revealing me the meaning of the experiences, so I could keep resisting. And I mean resistance, during the abuse, there were also what seemed like “combat training” groups, where one part would practice defending me while the other would practice psychological attacks into my mind. It’s weird, but it’s crippling, it’s the worst experience you could have - like being abused and rendered mentally disabled by it, and then others come and defend you just enough for the abuse to continue, so I’d get mentally disabled on top of it.
With time, also the helpers revealed things about my state, which I don’t know whether they are true or not. Basically they told me, they are from God and they confess Christ, and that at least 18 different parties have been eventually given access to my mind following the abuse in the past, each of them trying to commit works with me as an involuntary slave (i.e. to make good for the past abuse which I had never done), while others seemed to work up an outright abusive strategy, of selling me to people with lies that I was voluntary or guilty, then putting all kinds of abilities and powers to my mind (it’s strange, but it really worked at times, while I was unaware to discern what power was mine or intrusive, and I never accepted or was confronted with it), to make me commit jobs which I could never know about, while sabotaging them all to make me fail, so more punishments (the voices told me some people have spiritual punishments in their minds they can realay on others who wronged them) could be put to me, and also I was told for each failed contract the contractors which I didn’t even know about could be “refunded” on my cost to gain a benefit, which meant my torture because I was basically “broke”, never having accepted anything spiritual I could pay with and also refusing to obey, being called for a “sacrifice” from the beginning on. Now I am being told, if I had accepted such a “sacrifice”, just yet another part of my soul would get owned and could be used for human experiments, and that’s what the refunds came from.
So…please bear in patience…these are the stories revolving in my head over and over again, and I know they are not necessarily true, even when I of course know that I can never be sure, well, after all what happened. I am basically agnostic in this regard, and don’t know. Maybe it’s all just my own mind, maybe it’s a single intruder who makes it all up (i.e. computer controlled mind manipulation, then now the cia will probably be after me for talking about it, making me seem as insane as possible to cover it up…). In the last years aside from the unnatural psychic experiences, I’ve also seen many smaller signs of a little too great coincidence, and developed different mental powers which I never heard about, as if spirits were entering my mind teaching me against my will by forcing me to react to torture.
Now this state also had deeped greatly, and I suffered way more attacks after starting to read the Bible out of curiosity around the year 2017. It really caused me a great insight, I am so happy to have seen this simple message of love in the words of Jesus Christ. But at the same time suddenly I started being attacked in my mind like 3-5x as hard, now openly in a way that was way too offensive to be taken as a simple mental illness by me. I just kept praying and reading, meditating and resisting. And something entered me and gave me the strength to continue all these years, and hope that I’d still get anywhere in life by overcoming the troubles. I talked about my problems with anyone I could trust, family, doctors, sought help in all kinds of public channels. I started confessing my faith and also teaching others what I had learned, this simple message, and the power I had, to debunk all the sad sadistic lies of modern Christianity, to reveal a true message of love within. This saved me, this invisible spirit in me, which was one with me unlike the others, kept growing and revealing the things in my mind which were hidden to me. After a while, I found a therapist who wanted to start trauma therapy with me, and I started understanding how the visions I had were all logically connected to the past ritual abuse I had suffered. All I was experiencing, was just a single growing story of the possible consequences of that girl abusing me and exposing my mind to magic without me knowing, while I had in that night openly rejected the devil, his demons and all magic right before she had abused me by putting that liquid on my forehead without my consent. This really freed me from the fear of just having a malfunctioning brain, because I could not systematically work against the constant pressure in my mind knowing the root of the delusions. I also started going to local Church and joining Protestant service, talking with Pastors about my experience, also Pastors from my direct family line…which is important for me for my spiritual recollection, as I am a grandson of a Pastor who was against Hitler, and who fled Germany to Africa to meet his also firmly believing wife in British detention camp, who also didn’t want to serve the Hitlers but rather the negroes far away from home. Meditating on my past, I feel this reconnection every day, and feel more and more spirits associated with my family history entering my mind and defending me. They don’t just practice, they make the demons cut their own evil and powers and the rings that bind them relentlessly, effectively destroying all they put against me. It’s like angels coming over my soul again and again, picking me up like a glove and then smiting the attackers after endlessly talking agains them and challenging them through my body. My poor wife is already very stressed, but I can’t hold it back, either the demons keep torturing me, or I allow the angels to keep smiting them by returning their evil so they destroy the rest that is still in them, that’s it. That’s the trick, you cannot destroy the weapons of the demon, but only return the provocations it does to you…but it can destroy it’s own weapons, so you must manipulate it back to do so - finally cut the ring that is holding their power or connecting them to you, and they’re gone, but it seems they fear it like death and also complain about it as if they’re killed by it.
Now I’m in a state of constant battle, and it still hurts, because the attackers are so relentless even when the defense is more than clear. I cannot do any work or make music or anything - as soon as the attacks pause, I can and then all the spirits empower me for the most beautiful work…, but then they come back and sabotage me and spoil everything, trying to overload me with all kinds of tempting works which I could never complete due to their torment. So now I resorted to no longer trying to work, but to trying to resolve all these problems fully, first. So this is my testimony so far
Now one of the trips I have, like as if forum people would have bound me, claimed me as their slave or partner, and try to command and require me etc, is actually connected to this forum. I write this not to accuse or anything like this, but just to clear up. In the past, often when I had a story going about a certain person or group being involved, openly talking to them about the visions I had and the idea they were involved, usually completely resolved that, after telling certain people I was no longer threatened or abused from that direction, as if the “demons” had to give up that story for the person telling me openly. So I also started entering the channels by which I got oppressive voices of that kind, and telling my story to make sure nothing is unspoken and nobody can claim I was voluntarily involved and have somehow accepted staying silent about it. Every time I do, I usually feel a time like as if lots of evil people harrass and curse me, also leading to bad incidents in my life usually, but afterwards I usually feel as if another ring in my heart was cut for it to be just a little more free again. So here I go:
So this is not a direct calling or ssth. like this, but if anyone knows what goes in this scene, and there is or is not anything going, please tell me if this is reasonable or not. The voices suggested me there were people here, who wanted to give me chance or something like that, I don’t know. I was again and again urged to enter the MBC contests etc., also did independent of my visions, because I simply like Renoise and art. But it was something unhealthy. I was once a member of ircnet #trax and other channels end of the 90s…my nickname was “Gabhonga”, but I was never scene-involved, I was just a crazy pothead talking about pot and tracker music at times, using it as a hobby and not being part of scene. But I’m told by the voices, that people connected to this would have dealt this to me, and claimed they had an open talk with me agreeing on it, when it never happened. I am told this is a big thing with known figures from back then (not giving any names so nobody has to have a paniq attack), and also people who are tactically yielding infrastructure to the scene somehow are involved. I was told, they wanted to bring me powers to make good for my mental disability and give me access to art demons, giving me a “scene spirit”. I have of course to reject, as I wanted to keep my soul and abilities pure for God, and could not accept demons or any other power than the Holy Spirit which I believe indwells me and is more than sufficient for anything I’d ever want.
So now this escalated somehow when I first wanted to join MBC, but then realized I need to take it slow and the time for more urgent matters to be fixed in my life…I got attacked heavily after declaring that I wouldn’t take part, as if others had already arranged something they could not turn back without telling me, and now had problems causing something bad for all involved. Now I see scenes in my head of angry people challenging each other and me over some kinds of fake deals that were spoken over me, and that somebody in the scene had claimed I was in and there was talk and agreements, when there were not. Also I experience as if being cursed in wrath again, with voices threatening me ppl. from here would once again take revenge against me instead of on those lying about me. When you know anything about this please tell me, like this is not happening and you know, whatever. Even when you can’t or wouldn’t, writing this would already relieve me knowing such a story couldn’t continue in the hidden, but only fade or escalate. So I write this once again, because I saw visions suggesting it was something more or less known by other forum users so they could not miss it and could not claim they didn’t know. This is how you beat demons, by destroying all they put on you and by revealing all they’ve done to you and all the secrets they forced on you, until they cannot claim them over you as secret any longer. Now even when this demons was connected to cool “scene” art, of course I’ve since long time chosen for my Lord Jesus Christ instead, and must give them a pass and must make sure you all now know! Ready to discuss the Gospel I believe in and how I interpret the Bible in that regard with anyone interested btw., but don’t worry I don’t come to proselytize, I’m not evangelical or something like that but believe early Buddhism was also a tool by God which helps you overcome your sins on your own and is thus blessed by God - I mean look at those Buddhists who sincerely believe in respect and metta rules it all, they only do good, God would be a fool for not blessing them so they all glow in the dark.
Okay lengthy post, and a little weird maybe, but I know to resolve the trauma, I need to take it serious in parts and also try my best to resolve it. A therapist now let me down, well, I’ve learned now and can look on and also do my own work until I find new help. So this is maybe also a message for some of you, that such experiences are not always madness, but can have some real reason like a trauma, and can get better by finally being processed properly. I know now I can and have the best help I ever could get, the Spirit of God inside my mind which brings liberation instead of rules like so many expect. But it will of course never allow me to do anything evil or selfish again, or even to lie, and I had to vow upon my eternal destruction over and over again that I never was or would voluntarily be involved with the Satan, until I’d really rather die than give in even a single second - I for real never did, not even subconsciously, but they are trickster and try to pretend I did - that’s the price for becoming like that.
Hope this is not too much crap for you or insult some of you for Christ and speaking bad about demons - it’s just my own story and experiences I had, and sharing usually greatly helps me. MBC now has a great theme, humanity, and I would’ve loved so much taking part, but the sabotage has ruined my life already that much that I can’t. Hey, if you are really mages here and know who set me up and they traded you the access, curse them beyond all recognition, they never even talked a single word with me - the Holy Spirit promised me to soon cut ALL rings and destroy any works left in my soul, so you may release it before that point on your own, to avoid a greater backlash.
Have fun people, and don’t worry about me - I’m and will be fine and I just keep fighting these demons until they ate their own brains, for real, they’re sad sadistic cruel monsters and love the nazi people just like anyone else, only being eager for their different groups to fight each other and thus impede them all at once. Hope there can be a day, when nobody ever has to suffer from this. I’m now beyond suffering by this, I can’t even fear death any more or feel bad about my abuse or that of others - Jesus still left the spark of love in my heart, so I can feel compassion still, but if I gave it up, I’d know I’d be like dead forever from what I’ve been through. Kids - never accept drugs from people you don’t trust, and even your best friend can play a trick on you then take care and protect yourself. Just refuse and only keep to what you can fully control. This world is full of evil people, see, that best friend from my past with that red liquid from somewhere, has cost me the rest of my life. I’ll now leave her behind fully, she doesn’t want to talk to me even when I tried, I have to accept.
Now I talked out the “scene demons” torturing me and hope they will also leave me for good. I know true art needs no demons, and I’d be rather be dead than represent a fake art that was demonic and not mine. Oh, in case you believe it’s just drugs, no only take what I need to get by, and atm for example am completely sober. Peace, please stay clean kids, accept no peddler’s poison, I’m more than glad cannabis is starting to become legal, I believe it was the medium through which I was poisoned in the past. Work it out for real, train and practice your skill, do good and share your knowledge to receive back, you can grow up being a mighty artist on your own without such deals or drugs! I wish I was left alone by these forces, then I’d now probably be a big artist, either full time or at least part time aside from the work I always wanted to do for the benefit of whole humanity. It was prevented so far, I’ve still hope but getting older… Don’t let them take your hope, if anyone messed with you like they did with me, seek help immediately, talk to anyone who could help you. The sooner you overcome the trauma the sooner you will be able to recover, for peace. Never give up your peace for anything, it’s worth more than everything else together, because anything will only be able to flower fully within this peace…never give it up, and never lose it by taking it from another one…I know now by Christ that taking this way, only means it would be take from you. May this never happen to you all, may you have the time to focus on your music like I no longer have even when I always wanted!