I am constantly hopping between the genres I like. So this here is some lo-fi.
I think you made the good sound, a bit of crispy and detuned. Just the melody seems too setback for me, probably the melody could be more present.
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Too much Hifi 4 Lofi. You should increase the midrange and decrease the low and high endings.
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mixing is all fucked (no offense), snare too forward, melodic line too far back… Listen to @Coddy’s stuff posted here, or better yet pm them for all the secrets!
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Have you listened to this through speakers, too? Preferably through common hifi speakers. The melody is almost not audible and the drums are quite loud, especially the kick and the snare. Use a stereo expander in your master channel, adjust it to mono and redo the mix. Everything must be audible at least. Once you’ve done that deactivate the stereo expander and there you go. Furthermore I agree with the others.