Creativity after burnout - possible?

[Pansar]

So, i’m not completely sure why i write this but i think i need a fresh start. Also i’m hoping to find others with a similar problem. (it’s a long one and personal, sorry)

Been creating sounds since -93. Done it all really. (most of it on the computer, but years with only hw as well)
I used to make a living from music, it was my whole life for many years.
It’s a lot of years worth of experience, that is now hanging over me like a big rock. The expectations that i need to somehow demonstrate all these decades of knowledge somehow in everything i create is overwhelming and completely paralyzes me.

6 years ago i had a massive crash after pushing myself at extreme levels for at least 8 years in a row, with no brakes.
I’ve now learned that it’s called an Autistic burnout. I have a double diagnose of Autism and ADHD. (as many do)
So it’s not a regular burnout, that people tend to recover from.
For me i tend to resemble it as brain damage, as i have lost a lot of what i used to know.
I get mentally exhausted very easy, brain-fog, dizziness and it takes a long time to learn new things.

As someone who could learn a whole DAW in a day, this is hard to accept.
I even became somewhat decent on creating PCB’s and designing really complicate hardware circuits, as well as manufacturing etc. Just by being obsessed with things and learning really fast. (that’s another story though)

I used to do so many songs, as if my life depended on it.
The more i learned, the longer it took between songs. I got real picky. Until it became impossible to meet the standard i’ve set to myself.
I solved this by moving over to create hw instead. (eurorack)
As i’ve always been more in to sounds this somehow felt logical.
I learned to master that section of my life during the 13 years i tended to it, until i crashed more or less.

And now it’s been over 16 years since i made music.
I feel like a shadow of myself.

I have forgotten how to do it, but i know everything there is to know about sounds, techniques, mixing, you name it. I’ve read schematics for years, i can rebuild the sound from a circuit in my head just by looking it.
But i can not do music. I miss making music. I used to be OK at it. But i can’t seem to find a way in that works for me anymore.

Sure, i’m older, things change, i’ve changed. I have a family now. A kid dealing the same diagnosis as me.
I don’t do it for the same reason as in my younger days, so it’s not the feeling life or death anymore.
Also, we are drowning in music, do the world need more?
I can’t stay away though - i have tried. I keep getting drawn in to it. I love sounds/music and new interpretations of it.

I have tried for a few years now to find a way back in, but i get completely stuck in “making a sound” before i even get in to the music. I can not let go until i find the kind of sound i want. (by a sound, i mean how like Justice have a sound etc..)
People say, just do the music and come back to the details later. I wish i could, i really wish i could.
For me it’s like saying build the house without the foundation. This make no sense to me.
Also, who cares if i do this and that. I do, i make sounds and music for myself. I need to feel that there is some kind of worth (?) in what i do, if only for myself. That there’s a point doing it.

Also, i’m overwhelmed by the possibilities. I can test any idea i might have, and i have plenty. So i just spend years testing things.
When all i had was my Ensoniq EPS i made 1 song a day, kind of.
I have tried limiting myself (as limits make me creative) but it won’t work. I know very well i can add as much as i want if needed.
Every time i try to make something, and it sounds worse than it ever did i feel like i’m worthless and go in to deep depression as i compare it to how i used to be able to do it.
So it’s hard to keep at it.

I have made a lot of singular sounds with sequences though, that won’t fit with anything else it seems.
So i can make something, but a single bassline, a melody, or a drumgroove might not not be considered a full song, i don’t know..

That’s why i felt i had to write this, mostly for myself i guess, just to take away any expectations and to allow myself to completely start over.

Why here though?
I feel like home in the community of trackers, which is weird as i’m an Ableton Live veteran since 2006, but a real noob when it comes to trackers. (besides a few explorations in the 90s)
Thing is i feel at home in Renoise, and i don’t in Live anymore. I tend to use the latter more because i know it inside out. It takes a long time to learn new things.. but i revisit Renoise all the time, and i’m getting there little by little.

I’m kind of putting myself out there now, it’s pretty personal but life is to short to gatekeep some kind of persona. It is what it is, it’s never to late until it’s over!
If you feel some kind of resonance regarding this, feel free to reach out.
I do miss friends to talk to about sounds and music and trackers.
All my friends are adults now, and i’m stil stuck in the 90s, curious like a kid.

[Mano.G]

Yes, it is possible my friend! In my case, it took the best part of a decade, but it finally did! So, don’t give up.

[TNT]

It’s normal to lose knowledge if you’re not refreshing it constantly. And the more you know about the production process, the more time it will take to finish a song. The more time goes by, the more we’re suffering from aging and the increasing moronism of the world. Things are getting worse all the time, and it’s continuously getting harder to stay on track. We have to fight wars in our minds. Don’t compare yourself with your younger self, it can only drive you crazy. So if you’re missing creating music, I would suggest to make a step back, no expectations at all. Take your time, have a break, it doesn’t matter how long it’ll take. Restart with something you like, you could remix one of your favorite songs, which is way easier than creating something original. I can relate to your situation, I was working between 50 and 100 hours a week for more than a decade without having proper holidays, which isn’t healthy and kills almost everything. So if you don’t see me this year again, it’s because I’m having a break from everything. Fundamental changes are coming. Way too late, but better late than never. Good luck to you! If someone could help, let us know.

[niNja_pWn]

Ive been though this EXACT kinda thing on my own spectrum. Eurorack was the gateway for me but it seems youve already been down that route. I would suggest thinking forward instead of backwards and try to start something new, martial arts… skateboaring… mountain biking… something unrelated or related… and see if you can find it in that All the best man! <3

niNja_pWn3d

[broh]

To be honest, I didn’t really experience a burnout per-se (but now that it’s been more than a year I left my job, I realize I was in fact on the verge of it and quit right when I needed to even though it’s far from the kind of burnout you’re experiencing), and I’m younger than you (I mean, I wasn’t even born when you started making music, I’m currently 30).

But, I can recognize myself in some a things you said (or my younger self on some points): being obsessed with things (although I’m not sure I’m learning as fast as you did), for example the most recent one is playing poker (I know, not a very good hobby especially when you’re unemployed lol)

I also had (and still have) lots of breaks since I started making music (I started when I was around 14 or 15, but had some breaks lasting between a few months and up to 5 years for the longest one), for different reasons but most of the time because I didn’t find enough time for it (engineering studies, long hours jobs, personal life, …) but there is always a point I see a video, documentary, hear something that just brings me back to it for some reason.

After my longest break, I felt exactly how you describe: knowing “everything” (I wouldn’t say everything in my case but you got the idea) but not being able to make music while still missing it, and realizing I lost the level I had.

What helped me at the time was picking up Renoise, so basically a completely different flow than what I was actually used to, so that I went back to this “I’m making music while learning how to” instead of being stuck in my old DAWs thinking “fuck, I knew how to do that, and forgot, I now need to learn it back”.
Having the base knowledge helps getting things back, but for my “profile” (and probably yours) it’s way more rewarding to learn new ways of doing it, than having the impression to loose time catching up with something we once knew.

Sure, in the end it’s kind of the same, catching up with how to do something I once knew, but since it’s in a different environment (a tracker in that case), it feels less than catching up and more like discovering something.

Just realizing I wrote so much, just about my personal life which seems very different than yours, but all of this is just to tell you that even if you feel alone and overwhelmed, it’s all about being able to focus on what you like, instead of having barriers in your head.

About the part you talk about “making a sound”, not being able to finish your tracks, etc.. I feel you’re putting unecessary pressure on yourself, and might reconsider what you like about making music. In the end, maybe it’s this creativity and endless tweaking, even if you don’t finish tracks? Who said we need to finish tracks?
On the other hand, if it’s finishing tracks and this never ending tweaking really bothers you, try setting yourself some boundaries (like I don’t know, limit yourself to one synth, limit your sessions to X hours, …) and learn to appreciate unperfect work (I know, it’s hard as a perfectionist) and letting go when needed.

Also, try to appreciate those “singular sounds with sequences that won’t fit with anything else”, “drumgroove (that) might not be considered a full song” sometimes the beauty in art (and thus, music) is found in emotions it brings and not trying to follow codes. Who said making music means making full songs ? I could listen to hours of simple TB-303 basslines patterns, or evolving textures. People would find me weird, but that’s the beauty of music: anyone can enjoy it the way they like it.

Hope this will help you! And as TNT said, if someone could help let us know, as you said this is your home after all.

[Pansar]

Thanks for taking the time reading all that and sharing your thoughts, it means a lot.
There’s some good advice in here!
I had a feeling i wasn’t alone in this, good to know there’s hope.

The state of the world as well as age, and life, sure have its toll on things.
Might be age, but i find it hard to get excited about stuff these days. I don’t care as much about a perfect mix and perfect sounds anymore but rather i enjoy a cool sequence with a unmixed static bass sample a lot more than the coolest mixed to perfection Serum bass in a perfect production these days.

Don’t get me wrong, i love my synthesizers, but i easily get bored with them after so many years now, so i guess i have searched for that kind of excitement in other ways. Back in the day a good sound was all it took to get me started. Now we are drowning in high quality synths and efx, and i admit it’s hard to stay away. I always end up at the same place though eventually, regretting i got one more synth gathering dust.

Eurorack kind of helped me a lot at first, as it forced me to get off the computer and visuals, analyzes etc. To make stuff with your hands is still the best way for me to get out of my head. I just don’t know in which way to use it really. I still have a big box of modules that i plan to use, but the plan is rather to make stuff to sample than using as a live performance.
I play with that thought a lot actually, making stuff to sample, but i get stuck on what settings to decide on. There’s a lot of ways you can tweak a ADSR, how do i decide. etc.. so i use samples from other people instead of the really good stuff i have right next to me.

Btw, i have just dusted of my old skateboard and planned to start it up again after a small 30 year break!

I have been stuck in this way i am now since i was about 32. (i’m 48 now) Not over night but progressively closer and closer over several years.
So i mean, even if you are 30 or 48, that doesn’t matter, it’s still just as real.

I have tried limiting myself (made a whole album with just Ableton Operator for every sound), and limits work great for me usually. I guess i’m just overwhelmed with all the options and plugins out there today, so making limitations is almost impossible as i keep changing what i want do to.

I have after years of shame, finally stopped feeling guilt for just enjoying to tweak sounds and jam away. I have so many sounds and clips saved from years of fiddling around.. Always one sound in focus though, hoping that i will find a way to combine it with others later.

Thing is, it’s fun in the moment but leaves this feeling of emptiness in the end. One more great sound i’ve spent hours one that will just be forgotten..
Comparing that to if i manage to make a little bit of music, never mind how crappy it is, it’s leaving this feeling of happiness, the opposite.

I only have this small amount of time and energy, so i really shouldn’t spend it all on some technique to get a sound, as i won’t have any music to use it with.
But doing music that sounds like crap feel like a waste of time and a reminder of how far off i am with it, so i generally avoid doing it.

However -
Talking about this and asking myself what really matters have lead me in a direction that feels exciting and fun again.
As i so easily get distracted and loose focus on the music, i decided to go against all the new shiny tools and only to use samples, and no efx! Like i did in the early 90s with just a sampler.
Focusing on re-learning myself to find stuff that fits together from start, learning to track and spice things up that way etc.

To make it manageable, i decided that i will try to make a extremely simple little 2 bar loop each day.
Something very simple, doesn’t have to be more than drums and bass, just go with whatever idea i have.
Only been doing this for 2 days now, but i’ve already made several little loops, it’s so much fun.

It doesn’t sound like something worth showing really, but that doesn’t matter anymore.
This is something i’ve been thinking about in the back of my mind for years.
Never really got in to using samples as a decision, only when i had to. There’s so much you can do really, just by combining the attack from one and the body from another.
I do try to not loose focus in sound-design again, but i need a little bit of that, it’s too much fun.
Need to dig in to resampling and such as well, that’s a world i’m not that familiar with and it excites me!

[Mano.G]

Besides limits, another thing that works (and can possibly help) is goals for very specific tasks. I think TNT mentioned something about remixing old songs, and for me the thing that “awakened” me and kickstarted my new music routine after many many years of “hibernation”, was remixing one of my older tracks that I really liked but always felt that the sound and arrangement was not good enough. That was about 2 years ago and since then I managed to maintain the daily routine of working at least for half an hour a day on my music!

[TNT]

Revisiting and reworking old own songs or using old ideas to create something completely new can be rewarding, but that’s not what I was talking about. @Pansar used to make a living from music, so he’s a professional who lost his mood and ability to compose, to be creative and to have fun doing it. Best way to restart is to make a step back, to focus on the basics, to do something without any expectations, simply to have fun. No pressure at all! Technical values don’t matter in this regard, it’s about good feelings. Remixing a favorite song could be an easier and good starting point to regain what once made you start creating music, and when I say “remixing” I’m talking about creating your own version from an original. You need to be emotionally touched by that song. Music is about emotions. It’s not about reaching another level in mixing and mastering, especially not if you’ve already reached your top level years ago, but now you’re trying to get away from all those technical aspects that are killing the fun being creative. I would blindly prefer Amiga sound over “polished” charts stuff anytime! You can also lose yourself in sound design, but what’s the point creating sounds if you cannot use them properly? There’s a huge difference between sound design and composing, even if it sometimes gets mixed up. I’m glad that you’ve found some happiness by going back to the basics where it all began, @Pansar, that’s one step in the right direction. Personally I like to combine old stuff and modern stuff, that’s why I use Renoise, which is a tracker like back in 1991 when I started, but with extensions like my favorite plugins, ignoring everything else. We’re not only getting drowned in music, also in plugins. But to answer your question: Yes, we most definitely need more GOOD music!

[broh]

Happy to hear we all managed to help you through this!
You’ll see Renoise is such a blessing when it comes to sampling (although you might still want to use Ableton for a few things sometimes, especially the warping algorithms and manual mode)

One last thing, don’t stress you out too much into this though, if at any point the 100% sampling approach kind of blocks you again, this might be the time to plug back the synths, and this would maybe make it easier both to unblock you on 100% sampled track, and get accustomed to fit usages of your synths in a track (instead of just starting from those and getting stuck with loops that you can’t manage to fit anywhere)

[Pansar]

You guys really seem to get me, i haven’t experienced that much in life.
Very much spot on!

The plan is to use the synths and other stuff later, but only when i feel the actual need.
A mix between the two are where i want to be eventually.

One of the hardest parts in this adventure, is to let go of your former self, your persona.
Reconsidering who i am now. Not chasing confirmation, not being afraid of letting people down.
Allowing myself to start over from scratch, being new at this, allowing myself to make not-that-great-music again. Not having to prove myself to anyone.
That’s also the part that was needed it seems.
I’m not fully there yet (it’s really hard!), but i’m embracing this more and more, and the more i do, the more i seem to be able to get in to the flow again of just having fun.

I’m so sick of hearing the perfect productions with no musical value.
I don’t mind a great sound per say, but that’s all there seem to be today.
Well, besides a few artists that actually sticks out. They do exist!

I miss the days when me and friends used to send quick nibbles to each other, just fun music, exploring what was possible with sounds and music, not even knowing what mixing was.

I just wanted to say that i’m so incredibly grateful for your responses on this. Such insight and wisdom.
I’m taking this with me as i go.

@TNT Love your remix! It truly sounds like your interpretation. I believe i need to check out more of your music!

@broh You are so incredibly right about blocking myself. I was doing that again by my decision on only using samples. Which will undoubtedly backfire as most of my limitations does at some point. This made me rethink my stand and it feels much more sustainable now. I still have a lot to do with just samples but if there’s ever a need for ableton timestretching or synths, i will just do it. If needed.

[TNT]

Feel free to post your WIPs in the WIP thread. No matter if you’re stuck composing-wise, if you need any feedback or advice, if you have a question or if you just want to show something you’re working on. So it seems you got it now, which is good. No expectations at all! Always remind yourself why you’re making music. If there’s no fun, there’s no creativity. It doesn’t work like working on an assembly line. Creativity cannot be forced. That’s why I suggested remixing to restart composing, that’s what I personally do too if I’m mentally too exhausted for creating an original. But it’s fun, and that’s what it’s all about. Here’s another remix from another original. Another hint is just to focus on your favorite styles. Do what you love, you don’t need to prove anything! Personally I could do much more, but I’m only creating my two favorite styles, which is Electro (also on Bandcamp) and Synthwave. I almost forgot to mention the possibility to collab. So if you’re uninspired or unsure how to, you could check here if someone’s willing to collaborate, but in this case the DAW in use probably has to be Renoise. This way you could most likely learn something about using Renoise properly. Everyone in this forum works differently. Years ago I’ve made a couple of songs by collaborating with @Garf , which was interesting and rewarding as well. Expect the unexpected! I still love the result.

[elcasiino]

Definitely try the Wheel Of Names. It can be fun but trust that some of the tracks that emerge can be absolute garbage(at least in my case )

You basically put a bunch of stipulations for a track and spin it for every step. It’s totally random and sometimes you have to add or subtract things from your track that on your own you would have never thought of

I’ve definitely just taken the wheel pun intended after I had a few happy accidents!!

Wheel of Names

I highly recommend this and it’s a lot of fun broski

[Pansar]

I definitely aim to put myself out there in the WIP section, if i ever get anything together more than a drumbeat! Always wanted to colab as well, hopefully some day. It’s hard finding someone to click with and that have the massive patience it would take.

It doesn’t work like working on an assembly line. Creativity cannot be forced.

I really wanted to point out how much this resonated with me.
It’s been my approach for 16 years or so, without knowing it. Not sure how it started but somehow it took over.
My guess is that i wanted to demonstrate what i could do soundwise more than i cared about the music, sound were more important, they carried and created the music by itself i thought, somehow.. and things just got harder and harder to do. One song could easily take 3 months to finish. Forcing everything until the last drop. Not much fun really, now when i’m on the other side looking back.
I have to remind myself over and over to let go of this and not fall back.

There are a few songs i’ve been wanting to remix btw but it feels like you need to find out who you are musically before you start remixing, and i have just a hint of that now. I"ll play around and see though, i have some ideas.
There’s also a few old songs that i never finished that deserves attention, but it’s a old style of mine that doesn’t feel like me anymore, so i’m not sure..

Another hint is just to focus on your favorite styles

That’s another good one.
I have this problem that i like too much, so i’ve been all over for years, doing little bit of everything.
Back in the day i stuck to 2 styles actually, and there’s sure a difference between now and then.
I put some thought on this and made some decisions now based on who i am today, even if don’t know how to get there yet. (We seem to have 2 pretty similar genres of our choosing btw.)

I got to say it again that i really dig your music! Thanks for sharing!

[Pansar]

Oh, that indeed looks like fun! Bookmarked.

[TNT]

Your current situation somehow reminds me of myself. I didn’t make music continuously, I had long breaks up to 12 years in between, and I never cared about mixing and mastering until 2012 (shortly after switching from oldschool trackers to Renoise), but as soon as I digged deeper and started polishing my sounds, I raised the bar more and more until it became hard for me listening to my unpolished stuff. Even as a “music creation hobbyist” I needed to realize that there’s no perfect result, especially not if you’re working in an untreated (living) room without professional equipment as I do. So the conclusion is to never expect perfection. There’s only one rule you need to follow: If it sounds good, it sounds good. And you’re the only one who’s deciding if it sounds good or not. You know, a lot of “professional productions” sound bad, and unlike my own stuff they’re supposed to make money. So who cares about imperfection? And creating music in assembly line mode only leads to same sounding crap, and I’m not talking about the music style at this point. It is absolutely required to have breaks, no matter if composing-wise or mixing-wise, otherwise your ears will fool you 100%.

@Pansar

We seem to have 2 pretty similar genres of our choosing btw.

So what’s your style? My styles are electronic all the way, yes. Since the Kindergarten I’m listening to electronic stuff. In my youth I preferred Techno over everything, but I always loved any kind of electronic stuff in general. I chose creating a specific kind of Electro (dark, cold, futuristic, space-like) because it’s my favorite genre of all time, and years later I added Synthwave in order to bring out my nostalgic, warm and playful (simple melodies etc.) side, furthermore you can combine Synthwave and Commodore scene stuff as well. It’s a coincidence that both styles are heavily based on synth basses (which is my favorite instrument btw) and stuff, but in totally different ways. If you want to know how both styles combined could sound, you need to listen to @hai_nguyen_dinh 's stuff. I assume you might like it.

At this point I want to say thanks, because this thread made me trying to restart composing too. I barely touched Renoise this year, I only managed to create one single song, and that song is far from being perfect when it comes to mixing and mastering, also because my environment had changed and I’m still not used to it, and addtionally on SC there are some glitches too. Right now I’m creating a main pattern of a Synthwave track. Let’s see what happens next… Looking forward to see what you will come up with sooner or later.

Edit:
In case you’re using Renoise, our styles are somehow matching and you want to collab in order to find and push inspiration, just let us know. Indeed it can be inspiring to collab. As I said, everyone works differently and has different ideas.

[stoiximan]

My guess is besides autism and ADHD that you suffer because of midlife crisis.How old are you ?

@Pansar

I get mentally exhausted very easy, brain-fog, dizziness and it takes a long time to learn new things.

Then, when it comes to music making stay in Ableton that you know, why push yourself more when you are not in a position to do so? That makes you more anxious .

@Pansar

As someone who could learn a whole DAW in a day, this is hard to accept.

Start accepting or you will never be able to procced further

@Pansar

i can rebuild the sound from a circuit in my head just by looking it.

Use presets, your goal is to make music as soon as possible .Get the structure of a song with just chords,bass and melody or even better use only the piano roll and make a track only with a piano sound,just chords ,melody and bass notes.

@Pansar

People say, just do the music and come back to the details later. I wish i could, i really wish i could.

You can and stop overthinking.The past is in the past,you are making a clean start

@Pansar

Every time i try to make something, and it sounds worse than it ever did i feel like i’m worthless and go in to deep depression as i compare it to how i used to be able to do it.

Me too ,then i try a new song and after 10-20 new attemts i get something that i am proud of.Dont expect results as easy as that

Now i dont know if you are in some kind of medication because of autism and ADHD but if you are talk to your doctor and be completely true with him/her.Maybe you need to adjust dosages or change any medicine you take,this made a great difference in my cousins life also a great musician

[broh]

@Pansar

I definitely aim to put myself out there in the WIP section, if i ever get anything together more than a drumbeat!

Can’t wait to hear you share things, and don’t hesitate to also share “only drumbeats” if we can help you find inspiration and motivation!
Also, you may want to try different ways of approaching music making if you find yourself lost with “only drumbeat” “only XX”, I know it’s hard but I kind of went this way some time ago and found a new workflow that unleashes my creativity better.
I used to want everything sounding good and perfect from the start, and ended up just like yourself with “only a drumbeat” / “only XXX”. What helped me was to listen to my inner self more: there are times I’m in a creative rush, and in those I try not to focus on sound quality and stuff (tell this to myself 6 years ago, I would say it’s not possible lol), just laying up lots of different ideas, here and there just following the flow.
Then, I have some calmer times where I’m not much in a creative mood and I just go through all those ideas, delete some, keep some, mixing those stuff better, try working on arrangement (even though it’s far from being enough stuff for a real arrangement), which sometimes unleash a new creative wave.
Sometimes, it ends up in a total mess that is almost impossible to mix perfectly because the feel comes from the harshness and unpolished sounds used, but I’ve learnt to accept this versus having only polished stuff with no real story.

@Pansar

There are a few songs i’ve been wanting to remix btw but it feels like you need to find out who you are musically before you start remixing, and i have just a hint of that now. I"ll play around and see though, i have some ideas.
There’s also a few old songs that i never finished that deserves attention, but it’s a old style of mine that doesn’t feel like me anymore, so i’m not sure..

Reading seems feels like you’re just overthinking the process. Caring about “who you are musically”, what style it is “older style of mine” etc… is good when starting out imho. But with all the experience you have, it feels like impostor syndrom, and you should just try to get with the flow and not care about barriers, genres or even “what is your sound”, I’m sure you have plenty of experience and if you released 5 tracks now without caring about them having “your sound”, we would all be completely capable of hearing “your sound” even though you didn’t think about it while composing!

Can’t wait to hear what you’re going to cook us

[strobotone]

@Pansar
I can very much relate to the situation you are describing as I’m going through a similar phase (atleast i hope it is only a phase).

I am deeply connected with music-making since it helped me alot during hard times and made me feel being worth something.
And losing this ability, not being able to live up to one´s own standards anymore is really depressing. So, yes it´s like life depends on it.
There have always been creative ups and downs but since 10 years I only feel the capabilities declining bit by bit, year after year.
During those downs I occasionally worked on graphics-related short-term projects (like for the demoscene) in the past.
I used to hear sounds which sparked the creative process. That doesn´t work anymore. I am bored like having done and heared everything.
There are still ideas but I am unable to evolve them, so they end up on a worn out path of repetitions.
Listening to old tunes, I sometimes wonder about the positive state of mind one was once in.

I don´t know if there is a medical term for it or if it´s just normal, but i´ve always been easily overwhelmed by external audio-visual input.
Like the constant noise you get in public places or in a major city. And it´s becoming more pronounced with age. I need to get out in the woods alone on a regular basis.
And the world became a lot more noisy during the last 30 years (not to mention people´s values, morals and behaviour declining).
This all has an influence and I am no longer able to tune them out to an extent where one can focus on the music-creation process.
There are other creative short-term processes (like coding audio-tools) which still work for me, but they do not offer the same joy.

But, as others stated as well, a whole lot of people here are approaching 50 and have families now.
And spending time with family is a profound and meaningful way to find balance.
Anyways, I am still somewhat confident that music will come back one day, but that requires finding a fitting environment to live followed by some new perspective on the process of creating music.

All the best, don´t give up hope!
Martin

[Mano.G]

I’m 51, and spend the last 15 years almost doing nothing with my music (mostly because of depression). I tried again and again, and always failed to get into the habbit again. Then I remembered something Stephen King said (and Picasso - phrasing it in another way): “Amateurs sit and wait for inspiration, the rest of us just get up and go to work.”

I know this isn’t the picture people have about art and artists, that making art is “work” that you have to do on a schedule, but for me, Picasso and King were absolutely right. And in a way, this is the way I broke my creative “hibernation”. It is very simple actually, the more you work (it doesn’t matter if something good comes out of it all the time), the more the “inspiration” comes.

Picasso on Intuition, How Creativity Works, and Where Ideas Come From

[Pansar]

Sorry for taking some time to reply, had to take care of my health for bit.
I’m on low energy right now, but i really wanted to show some signs of life anyway.

@TNT
We seem to have a lot of common ground, that’s for sure!
I just sit here nodding, agreeing with just about everything you write.
I grew up on techno and 80s pop (mom), as well as Beatles (dad).
This have really mirrored itself over my years with music. Started with synthpop, then trance, then techno, 80s pop, dub/tech, synthwave.. the last 10 years have been much about french electro and electro over all, library music and such, but the 80s stuff always burns bright in me.
I did a lot of trance during 99-2003, it came really easy to me, and still do. Might try it out again some day even though it’s not me anymore at all..

My obsession in sounds have always been about kickdrums and synthbass. Thats usually where i end up if i do anything at all these days. I can just listen to any of these bits on it’s own for days.
I even started a eurorack company because i was so obsessed with the kickdrum from a certain ARP2600.. best way to kill an obsession is to start a company surrounding it!

I’ll let you know if i ever come up with anything to colab with, i have no idea where i’m heading right now.
Glad this could inspire you to open up Renoise again btw, I’ll make sure to give it a listen!

@broh
I can’t wait either, i feel i need to take that step on top of opening myself up on here. Break the walls down on myself, so to speak. Trying not to stress anything though, if it comes it comes.

As you perhaps could have guessed, i too aim at that perfection from the get-go. It really haven’t helped!
Sure, i make that perfect drumloop eventually, but i could have made a full song in those 6 hours instead.
I just can’t help myself, i can’t stay away to make things sound good. Either i stay completely away from mixing and such, or that’s all i do.

The tricky part now, is that even if i can make do with just samples for drums and similar things, i can’t stay away from the synths, so i’ve opened up to use them again. But they sound so under-processed against the drums, so i need to tweak that a bit, and before i know it i spend hours just doing that. I’m hopeless!

However, what you wrote about having days to create and days to mix/sound-design/etc have resonated with me a lot. I’m just like that myself. Thinking about it that way makes total sense, so that’s my new goal!
Also the imposter syndrom part is spot on. Even the Mrs laughed a bit and pointed at me when i told her about this.
I’m such a planner, will work on having a more open mind from now on.

@strobotone
Holy cow, you describe my life in detail. Almost scary.
Don’t what to say, this is exactly how it is for me as well.

Really, i’m just stumped, everything you wrote.
My self-worth have been connected to what i can perform and accomplish.
Music have been my main life-line, so it sure have led to some great depressions feeling i’ve lost that. Also makes you feel quite some pressure on yourself to get it back.

I too can’t tune out the noise anymore. Not sure what happened. I’ve always been easily overstimulated, with noise being the main culprit. But i’ve somehow been able to bite through it, even it took quite some energy to do it. Nowadays i just can’t anymore.

Family is taking a lot of my time and energy. As you say, it’s both profound and gives such a meaning in life, so i’m not blaming that. There is a clear line before and after that however.
The sense of always being available is draining a lot of me, so i guess, and hope, music will come back as life progresses as you say.
I too am approaching the big five oh. Just one more year. That obviously have some kind of impact on it all!

Thanks (!) for all the advices and you guys taking the time to comment. It means a lot, especially as i was so hesitant about opening up so much about this. Really glad i did now.