I’ve found that Renoise 3.1 can actually achieve this very thing!
It’s a pretty useful technique, so I’ve made it available in the tips&tricks section:
https://forum.renoise.com/t/play-samples-from-any-position-in-any-pitch/46801
People that are lost souls in this thread, behold this link - it’s still not perfect but matches 99% the idea where my post is going 