Schizophrenia Awareness

(Zer0 Fly) #1

Hey ppl. I’d like to raise a very special topic, that I seldom find talk about as it seems like a taboo.

I’d like to raise the topic of psychosis/schizophrenia, and encourage people to become aware of this sickness and communicate that awareness to other people around them.

I find many people seem to have ill conceptions and bad aversions about that state and the people suffering from Psychosis. I think this only leads to the victims of this disease being left alone, abandoned by the people around them and society. Yet this only leads to the affected people becoming much more sick than they’d have to be, as being left alone with a head like a swarm of bees is not only painful and dangerous for the (un)diagnosed ones, but also potentially for other people. When someone is left alone with psychosis, and has nobody to communicate their experiences with, the nature of the disease can (and most possibly WILL) delude the affected people into believing other want to do harm to them, often with very tragical outcome also for people who are not insane themselves.

So I will do the outing, having in mind fucking trolls will most probably try to play ugly tricks on me, as one in here already seems to try. I am myself diagnosed since 2001 or so. I’m insane - my head is full of alien thoughts, voices, my thinking is constantly deluded into various directions, by mental awareness is very often subdued and forced into alien thoughts, so I am exposed to the sick ideas. Somehow my Psychosis seems to be broken into pointing into various directions instead of just one, making me aware of what is happening again and again, and only this brokenness has probably prevented me from doing very bad things to myself or others. Don’t think it is like silly mindgames that a clever man could easily conquer. It conquers YOU when you try to do this, and it is much more strong, severe, and forcing and blinding the will than sane thinking. You never know when and how this sickness could affect you, anyone is potential victim of psychosis.

The first years after diagnosis, and also the years preceding it, were like a swamp dragging me down and down into unhealthy thing. Then delusion and hallucinations popped in. I fought many years to try to get onto my feet agan and free myself from the suffering. Just when I thought I managed to get somewhere, getting the delusion into the background by healthy living, and also trying to become good with music and renoise by hard hard work of many years, the disease got me down again about a year ago. Since then it really bloomed up the ugliest flowers, constantly dragging me down into multiple stories of cause of the sickness, confronting me with illusions (or reality, one never knows) of being mentally mutilated, being enslaved by demons or wicked people, or on the other hand being something special (I know I am, but not like this…), a holy messenger of peace (by suggesting people building a strong ai while openly discussing every step in public, and making sure ethical guidelines are applied so that the ai won’t force people a will but follow theirs…I know would fail because of human selfishness), or being cursed (in my youth by just about anyone I knew, in a shizo forum, or as result of the flat earth thread, by whatever reason that might be possibly). I have to think my brain is wired by special services, or aliens, or just by the power of god that is in part in control by the devil, that other people have to put me into hell for their own selfish needs, the list could go on forever, there is no end in finding topics. The initial paranoia was a joke against what I’m experiencing now. Well you might get it, it is all about phantasy stories that are impossible to proove so one can only either belive or not. The whole thing even made me as agnostic a beliver, while I really hate beliving unproovable things, it sometimes helps a bit. I am constantly exposed to thoughts, hallucinations, voices in the head etc. trying to sustain the active belives. And belive me one thing, it is not fun like it may sound, the constant forcing into beliving without doubt it is torment, I had no single second of not beliving something wicked or silly since the last year, and only little peace during the whole time since year 2000. I have often in this carreer wished I’d rather be dead than continue suffering, however positivity always comes back, along with the idea that no suffering is eternal, and lifts me up once in a while. Also there is always hope, that the psychosis might just end, with a bang or just fall asleep, a hope that also often sustains myself against the wicked voices in my head, that are like being generated by some divine computer and always only try to subdue me and try to make me fear or obey them.

I know this discussion would probably also be around the psychiatric system and the medication. I know many people hate the medication, naming it lobotomy because of its severe side effects, condemning people who use or advocate it. I know it is very bad stuff, but it is the only that science has today. And sometimes, it is better to be doped up a little than to having to suffer endless pain. People who say that psychotic people should never take the medication must be either devils, or they have no idea what psychosis is like. I think many people could benefit into doing through the trip in a protected environmend, with people who watch for them and that could dope them up in case it gets too much again. But suggesting a psychotic to try to go through the loss of self alone is like pushing someone who is blind and deaf onto a busy road telling him to just evade the traffic and go onto the other side. I mean it is serious. I can understand antipsychatric movements as the government installations might be cruel nazi shit in many countries. But I don’t think certain people are aware of the suffering psychosis causes, traumatizing, soul destroying suffering. Many psychotics would maybe die, or kill someone else, or suffer endlessly, if it weren’t for medication freeing their mind in relative ways. I myself do this medication and know what I’m talking about, it is only partially effective, and taking too much for too long will make you dumb, but I belive if I hadn’t done it I’d already be dead or completely insane.

So…yes, this is how I see it. I’d like to ecourage discussion - 1% of population suffers psychosis, it is not just some sole freaks. Most people hide it in shame. Also shame for the forced ideas they had, while I think, there is nothing to take shame in, psychosis is strong mindfuck and can do just about anything to you, even to the strongest man while the weakest might miraculously stand and conquer the pain. So I let my thoughts be with the true suffering ones of our society, and suggest you to think about it for a minute or two as well.

(random) #2

Hello Zer0 Fly,

I do not know the movie yet.
Maybe interesting for you

(Adrian) #3

Hi Zer0, sorry to hear about your affliction, it can definitely be a very scary illness. There is definitely the potential for the spirit to be way too open, and thus be susceptible to various external influences, but they are only a reflection of that which is already inside of you. In that sense it can be extremely difficult to tell fact from fiction. Obviously certain drugs including pot, MDMA, mushrooms can severely exacerbate the situation on account of their ability to “open you up”. On the other hand, under the care of a VERY good practitioner these tools can also help as the problem is often on that level. Many good herbs can also balance energies within the body and mind that can ease and even remedy the symptoms / causes. Meditation can often help. Pharmaceuticals - in the case of deep work will interfere completely. I recommend the book “The anatomy of an epidemic” - Robert Whitaker for a description of the pharma industry as a business that has not tested meds properly and released meds that in fact amplify and bring out altered and unwanted states of consciousness. Getting off the meds to will usually temporarily amplify the symptoms for 2 months or so. Having said that I’m glad that your current meds are bringing you relief and they seem like a good option for now, so please do not take any of this as medical advice. Wish you all the best.

(Zer0 Fly) #4

Hey nice input, I appreciate that. Yes I know about the movie, always wanted to see it in full length. Interesting stories of ppl who managed to put their Illusion into controlled state.

I’ve tried, but I cannot stand it without medication. With medication it already is the worst hell. Like since over a year or so I am constantly zoned out, without even a second of pause, always tormenting thought and images and artificial belief/delusion in the mind, eating away my soul. It is nightmare an I am glad other people don’t have to stand the same. Be grateful if you feel alone in your head, not being alone by force is debiliating torture. I’ve ried without medication in the past, but then it becomes so overwhelming, that after a short period of time I cannot see the world anymore, I just kept forgetting and was constantly in twisted thoughts the size of a painted volkswagon bus, just most of the time with evil demons instead of stoned hippies inside.

Ah whatever. I just meant to tell my story to ask people not to disregard psychotic people. Many people seem to avoid or reject or even hate others who are like me. We are no monsters or idiots, what we experience is sometimes far beyond describability, and sometimes impossible to control for us. Be fair - we’re just humans with a shitload of kack illusion and belief control in the head. Mind you, once we manage to shake off delusion most of use are ultra ashamed with what we were beliving in or having done because of that. It’s not brokenness, it is something additional, though something that can break the sane mind on the long run in subtle ways.

I dare to speak up, but only because my illusion and the kaputness of my brain makes me belief that I can just forget what I belived a minute ago, thus I tend not to do the very silly things because of the psychosis like other people who cannot shake off the ill delusion.

(Ledger) #5

Hey Zer0 Fly,

Sorry to hear of your very tough journey! and not really sure what to add here that wouldn`t just sound like platitudes.

Just want to throw out some appreciation to your contributions on the renoise forum though. I often see you chipping in and being highly helpul to users on the boards!

All The Best!

(Zer0 Fly) #6

Thanks for the kind words. Trying to be helpful to others actually helps me with my psychosis. In my head I have to watch some kind of sick mental machine fucking with my consciousness, inputting random thoughts of varying comfort 24/7 without pause, forcing my will so that it seems involved for me - blinding me at the same time so I cannot realise at first. But as I helped people, and often told the truth from my heart to people, the same thing simulates helping and revealing entities, thus I am like a punching ball punched from the left, while at the right it is held upright. Being positive to others helps me to feel artificially jolly giddy glee once in a while, I hate it though.

Still rolling in the mental mutilation zone. What is chopped off is replaced with something else so the body can just live on. So…am I dead alive? Or rather - the illusion of something missing while it is still there, is replaced with the illusion of that thing is coming from somewhere else. Thing wants me to play games in my head all the time. Too fucked to make music since a long while, really missing the peaceful flow…thing makes me tell everything I ever could tell to other people, I simply cannot resist once in a while.

Yes normally it isn’t apearant, as I know my mind is constantly bent and blinded, once a tiny glimpse of conscious thinking comes through the mud I can let go of the delusion, questioning, refusing to belive anything.

My advice to people with psychosis, wanting to kill themselves as “they are in the head and there is no peace” - it is not the end, just change your life and get used to constant brainwash that can also have its interesting sides and that always has the chance that it will fade away. Do not belive the lies that illusion voices tell all the time. Its all about the barking, thoughts cannot bite, it only seems they can at times. Paranoia is to be ignored, after a secret number of x ignored paranoid thoughts the option pops up and will stay to simply let go of the paranoid thought. No belief but in what is truly experienced (Illusion as it is perceived and as it is manipulating the mind to be seen as something different) is the only belief that will create an illusion of freedom. Peace.

(Dry Eyes) #7

Hi…wanted to out myself as a schizophrenic electronic music artist. I’m on a good cocktail of medication so mindfuck doesn’t work for me, but if you’d like to comment on my work (you liked it, didn’t like it) I would appreciate it. That is all.

(Ted) #8

To my knowledge, modern-issue anti-psychotic medications are no where as sedating or numbing as they once were. Haloperidol, anyone? Anti-pharmaceutical people simply don’t know what they’re talking about. While I don’t personally have psychosis or take anti-psychotics, I know Latuda/Lurasidone is one of the least sedating ones, followed by Abilify/Aripiprazole. There’s no reason you can’t be functional and medicated at the same time.

(Dry Eyes) #9

Hi, I think a lot of the confusion comes from two factors:

  1. When you’re first diagnosed as schizophrenic, you generally don’t believe you’re schizophrenic, ie, you’re caught in delusions that seem real.

  2. Often, until the right medication is found through trial and error, you will go through several medications that make the symptoms worse. Unfortunate, but its just how it works.

These two things can cause schizophrenics to avoid medication or think that they are being harmed by them, when the situation is more complex due to the complex nature of the illness.

(TheBellows) #10

I have no real knowledge regarding these topics, but i have made up some thoughts.
Could it be that you are actually not mentally ill, but that the things you experience is something that actually does exist? I mean, i don’t know much about quantum physics, but in my understanding it seems to support theories that could be linked to experiences similar to some experiences psycothic people describes.
Maybe there are different meditation techniques that could help you control these things that gives you a hard time? I have a friend that is very much into these sorts of things and he is a studying member of some kind of ‘magic cult’ or whatever you call it and they have a very different approach to things.
Could it be that you simply need to move away from western culture and get closer to your roots. In some cultures you might be concidered a shaman or an ‘old soul’ perhaps? Maybe by continuously trying to conform to a modern society you’re actually making it worse for yourself?
I don’t want to feed your dillusion, but i don’t have much faith in the western understanding of how the mind and medicine works, it seems to all be focused into reducing problems by numbing down mechanisms that is not the problem itself.

(Zer0 Fly) #11

Well…yes. I already started digging into meditation techniques, they seem to help a lot, though it is very hard to learn with all that illusion and ill feelings etc in my mind, and I seem to need a lot of practice and determination to try to build up anything sane against the strong effects that go against myself. Also the psychosis seems to open very wicked evil traps in the mind that I don’t remember from my previous meditation experiences before the psychosis started. When it started, I was very soon unable to do meditation, it was impossible, I kept being distracted 24/7 without a second of pause.

But you must know that the nature of the phenomena I’m experiencing is rather overwhelming. It is hallucinatory manipulation of the whole mind, also blockages of intrinsic abilities that could counter the delusion, and I always have to fear to go bonkers for good once one or the other vital skill should fail, I mean it is a big fear, fear for my life. For example now since a year or so I’m under constant bombardement of thoughts, inner images and will-manipulations, it makes my life a nightmare, I literally can’t find peace, not a single second of it. Sometimes I feel kind of well, but still it is connected to an artificial “wrong” feeling driving me to be happy until the nightmare continues. I remember the states from the very beginning 20 years ago being smilarly overwhelming, at that time even much more due to me not using medication. Medication only dimmed the perceived intensity of the symptoms, as well as my own mental strength, but could never turn it off. I cannot work due to the state (I’m retired, have never had the chance to work in my life), since the last year I cannot even distract or hobby most of the time, renoise lies idle most of the time because with a fucked up stressed out mind I cannot be creative. It is about experiences like being possesed by an evil spirit who lived my life during the last 20 years and that I am in reality already dumb deaf and blind in the inside from being exposed to artificial life, the spirit keeping me distracted with an automatic illusion generator in my head…I have visions inside my head of me being driven to mentally mutilating myself etc. and streams of thought and will driving me to do things innerly that I have to bitterly regret afterwards, it is sheer torture. Also you should know that it is not always possible to counteract consciously, it is not just illusion added to the experience, but also awareness and mental skills being blocked out so one is helplessly exposed.

As for the delusion, yeah I have lots of, but to my luck I did some meditation excercises before I became Ill as a teen, so I am able to reflect my mind in between and shake off the ill thoughts. Yes as delusion…mine is being cursed by just about all people I ever knew (in different stories), who have stolen/sold my soul and put a gate to devils into my head to either enslave or destroy me. Seems like it is destruction (or rather…harmful) programme now, though I still can live, so it either keeps ground for the spirit posessing and tempting me, or it respects at least a little bare lifeline to not kill me right away. I’ve also been abducted by aliens, been study object of brain implant scientists, etc bla bla You never know whats true and what not, I decided to just ignore everything that comes from the inside, reject anything that is offered to me, not participate in any things they suggest, not make any promises to the inner faces and/or revoking anything that the torture has pressed me to…though that is very very hard. It seems like an experience that has the nature that I have to learn what it feels like…to loose…and to be ready to consider again and again to rather let forces or evil people kill me than to give up freedom and love…

Delusion is normally being immersed into a topic without being able to question it. I however remember after several days without sleep years ago I went to the doctors and told them I felt like I was influenced, deluded and tormented by some evil force. I guess that is because of my prior meditation experience. The pills at least made me sleep again, else I would probably already be dead. Yeah, I know the doctors know little about the causes and the nature of the experiences, but I don’t blame them, because they are only able to rely on measurable facts, which spirituallity cannot provide. I myself find answers in the bible or from the buddhist philosophy, or even by communicating to and giving myself to god (and not to those wicked smutfaces in my head) which I view as the cause of the universe and all beings, so yes, it also is a spiritual thing, and nursing helpful factors can help in coping with it. Finding strategies to cope and concepts to somehow roll through the paths of evil illusion while trying to stay free is what I’m usually busy with, when the whole nightmare forces me by making everything else impossible once again. For freedom I have to sacrifice a lot, in my case of being overwhelmed…all of my inside must be sacrificed, I cannot trust in my own thought and have to try to find my ways by only considering the outside world when it comes to descisions on what to do…and what not to do.

(random) #12

hello Zer0 Fly,

got a little meditation experience, also visited a few vipassana retreats, called in crazywise as “bootcamp of meditation” (recommended, only if you already have the worst behind. i was also reckless and have regretted it painfully)

In my (subjectively) view, the core of meditation, the work is in all people the same
perception, paradigm, interpretation make it different.
basically you don’t need a lot determination it turns all around acceptance.
not only bad feelings, feelings of happiness (flow) and also willpower, distracts from meditating
sitting motionless, Immobility overcoming physical pain is relatively easy, but it is almost impossible to keep the mind still (in one hour sitting i really meditate max 3 minutes, rather less)

(Zer0 Fly) #13

Nice little points about the thing. Also about determination being a possible hindrance to the process. I guess there are different ways of being determined, with ways that involve any urge to act strongly or being impatient and wanting to do something a bout it being the unhelpful ones.

I also am struggling around acceptance/noninvolvement, it at first seems counterproductive, but accepting - and managing the acceptance in calm ways, to be able to return to meditation object in a peaceful state of mind - seems like the most valuable skill in meditation. Together with a mind that will concentrate into things in a natural flow, by relaxing and letting go into things rather than by trying to grip them with force. Most work in meditation seems to be about retraining mental impulse and reactions to make that possible.

Also it is a big lesson in patience, I mean I am naturally a very patient person, but it is demanded in extreme ways if you wish to attain a calm mind. I often have to remind myself, that all the hard rocks of burden on my mind are maybe a little like big hard and heavy rocks of salt. You only harm your knuckles in painful ways if you try to beat and brawl with it, but directing a calm and gentle rain of attention onto them will let the barriers melt slowly as the rain eats away into the rock at slow pace, and a very stoic mindset is required during the process of trying to let it rain in the right way, until the rocks become light enough so it is possible to put them aside once in a while.

But I must say compared to the excercise in my youth, where I had a relatively sane mind, the current excercise is sometimes very frustrating. Because of the psychosis and medication, and the constant strong pressure and tension produced by both. Also because of the twisted mindgames that the psychosis produces, and the constant urge of getting involved in them (where a rather passive meditative mood of letting go and accepting as it is seems indeed the only cure). It is a bit like trying to learn swimming…not in the non-swimmers pool, but in turbulent whitewater… Sometimes I just sit with struggle, and nothing substantial seems to happen but me being punched away from calmness from all sides like a punching bag, but I guess that is just a thing about that rock of salt and the rain that comes with trying to let the punching bag swing with grace as easily as possible.

(random) #14

life is movement and action, meditation is stasis and away from cause and effect.
where is there such a thing in nature? probably that’s the tricky thing.

i’m trying, had good experiences, not to make a big story out of it (meditation is older as religions)
have a similar attitude while practicing meditating as go jogging or ply guitar.
meditation in silence and motionlessness is an optimal condition to bring the mind to rest, but the borders are (in my opinion) fluent.
mindfulness can be practice anytime anywhere. example: walking - pay attention to your feed.
anapana. (buddha says breathing comes before thinking, therefore, start here) is also good as a simple sleep aid

(Zer0 Fly) #15

Hey @Dry_Eyes I listened to your music, it is very nice. It has its own special qualities, and I happen to like tribal stuff a lot. Maybe we can one day make some psychotic coop, like the very noisy one you posted in the tracks section. I found that too earblasting though, I could only stand it very quiet.

During the last years I tried to learn how to make some sounds, well, I’m on a break currently, I can only sometimes make little sessions of preparing stuff for the time when my mind hopefully gives me more space to breathe and work. I do sounds like this one…I made this in mental torture, under time pressure for a compo, and withdrew it out of paranoia:

I do however feel I have to remix it, it is too nice of a tune to just put away because I’m sick.

I feel very very sad today, because I still cannot really work on my music. It is the psychosis I’m having since over a year or so. I have constant evil brainfuck in my head, and it seems to take its toll making me ultra forgetful and bombing gaps into my attention etc. It is constant flow, without pause, of mental images and thoughts of subdoing and mental mutilation going on, very ugly story of voices seemingly trying to enslave and subdo me, while at the same time I’m artificially held up against them, so they can keep beating me up making me ever weaker and weaker in mind. The medications don’t seem to work any more. During the last years I already strongly felt as a disabled person because the gapless flow of visions are so debilitating on my psyche, but the last year truly has made me like a forrest gump. No joke, I’m done by that shit. Some skills are still active, so I can somehow still write fancy stuff in forums etc, but most of my projects have to lie idle as I cannot work on them any more. I forget most stuff that I cannot write down. Most of the time I have to feel like a half rotten carcass that is artificially held alive just so it can suffer. Life’s not fair - at least not for me. There’s no peace for me yet. I have so many things I would wish to do, but cannot, I’m made too sick by the illusion and pain.

(Zer0 Fly) #16

Yo ppl whats up, I’m being tormented until I’m dulled out, seems like my Mind gets washed away with delusion so some fucking spirit can live my life inside my body.

I’m getting weaker and weaker, only skill left seems to be to tell everyone in detail what I’m experiencing. I’m dead inside, cannot fend of the delusion anymore. The pressure is getting stronger and stronger, I mean, now one year with always something sick on my mind and my own will subdued since 20 years, I’m a walking carcass…

Well, if you wish to help me, please make a compo with the nice Obama vocals from my tune. Then put all music CC and support Greta Thunberg with it. I wished to do it, but I’m fucked as you see…maybe some of you wish to complete the thing?

Here is the song file with the Obama vocal samples:

I permit anyone to do anything he wants with the song file. Go, support climate change activists with music! It is my wish! I know most probably it won’t succeed because people are too lazy or think I’m nuts, but then, at least I tried to complete this heavenly mission. Eternal gratitude for anyone helping to save this planet from becoming a manifestation of pure pain and agony!


Hi @OopsIFly
I hope you are doing better since your last post,
i might chime in to get creative with those vocals, but who knows when :confused:

sorry to hear about your health issues, is there a way to overcome your current situation, from your perspective? Do you know what could surely help you nowadays to overcome it?

i just saw your new soundcloud upload and i just finished listening , another gem!, did you finish that “sh!t” tune meanwhile? it’s too short, and it is so damn good, and i often play it!

(Zer0 Fly) #18

Thank you I am currently doing a bit better, but I never know when it’s gonna hit me again…it is like ups and downs constantly swirling me around. I’ve got some strategies to cope with it, it is essential with psychosis else you’re lost, mental/physical, social and pharmaceutical. Sometimes it even lets me believe I can handle it for a while. I better prepare for the next phase of blindness, because the worst is not what I see, it is what I don’t see while I should. I’m retired since ever, so I’ve no job to loose and enough time to wrestle around with my head. Psychotic phases of the Past have shown me with my problems I just have to have a lot of patience, after some or many months the hard stuff should be exhausted, leaving me in a moderate state with only shallow illusion and chances for me to recover. Already happened twice in my life that way, so why not again…

Thanks for your comments regarding my music. Yes I’ve been busy during the last years to try to learn my ways. Shit is a nice tune, I’ll finish it some day for sure. For me it is very frustrating atm that I’ve so little strength left to work on the stuff. It seems to be slowly coming back though, I can already do small sessions again. I better not try the violent ride like I’ve done with “doves” again, it almost blew my head of to try to force working while delusion was going on.

(neinMC) #19

That e-guitar sounding thing in the Doves track is kinda incredible. Did you track that by hand? Play it with an instrument? Combination of both? It seriously kinda made my jaw drop.

But more importantly, I wish you a lot of strength and all the best.

Go, support climate change activists with music! It is my wish!

And it’s a good wish!

It’s not my place to give you advice or anything, but I just want to say, don’t beat yourself up on top of what you’re going through. I know, easy to say, but still. And if anyone doesn’t get active about climate change because someone they think is “crazy” asked them to, they wouldn’t have done it either way. Be any way you want, there’ll always be people who ignore you for how you are. If you had a perfectly happy life with not a single tear in it, you would not know how to speak to people who are sad and broken. And if you’re too sad, people who don’t know sadness will shy away. I’m not expressing this well, but maybe you know what I mean. It’s not your job to manage how other people react to you. That’s on them.

As someone who spend a lot of time rooting around in the dark side of things, spent a lot of time staring at the underbelly of the world, I kinda know this feeling that everything is on your shoulders. But it’s really not! We’re all in it together, there’s just some people who don’t know that.

There’s room for everyone at the rendezvous of victory.

– Aimè Cèsaire

Otherwise, what victory would it be.

(LofiMat) #20

Yo DUDE just put on your Tinfoil Hat so these evil aliens cant bother you anymore!

:stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:You got some good music too - maybe focus on that instead.

Gute Besserung