Schizophrenia Awareness

(Zer0 Fly) #1

Hey ppl. I’d like to raise a very special topic, that I seldom find talk about as it seems like a taboo.

I’d like to raise the topic of psychosis/schizophrenia, and encourage people to become aware of this sickness and communicate that awareness to other people around them.

I find many people seem to have ill conceptions and bad aversions about that state and the people suffering from Psychosis. I think this only leads to the victims of this disease being left alone, abandoned by the people around them and society. Yet this only leads to the affected people becoming much more sick than they’d have to be, as being left alone with a head like a swarm of bees is not only painful and dangerous for the (un)diagnosed ones, but also potentially for other people. When someone is left alone with psychosis, and has nobody to communicate their experiences with, the nature of the disease can (and most possibly WILL) delude the affected people into believing other want to do harm to them, often with very tragical outcome also for people who are not insane themselves.

So I will do the outing, having in mind fucking trolls will most probably try to play ugly tricks on me, as one in here already seems to try. I am myself diagnosed since 2001 or so. I’m insane - my head is full of alien thoughts, voices, my thinking is constantly deluded into various directions, by mental awareness is very often subdued and forced into alien thoughts, so I am exposed to the sick ideas. Somehow my Psychosis seems to be broken into pointing into various directions instead of just one, making me aware of what is happening again and again, and only this brokenness has probably prevented me from doing very bad things to myself or others. Don’t think it is like silly mindgames that a clever man could easily conquer. It conquers YOU when you try to do this, and it is much more strong, severe, and forcing and blinding the will than sane thinking. You never know when and how this sickness could affect you, anyone is potential victim of psychosis.

The first years after diagnosis, and also the years preceding it, were like a swamp dragging me down and down into unhealthy thing. Then delusion and hallucinations popped in. I fought many years to try to get onto my feet agan and free myself from the suffering. Just when I thought I managed to get somewhere, getting the delusion into the background by healthy living, and also trying to become good with music and renoise by hard hard work of many years, the disease got me down again about a year ago. Since then it really bloomed up the ugliest flowers, constantly dragging me down into multiple stories of cause of the sickness, confronting me with illusions (or reality, one never knows) of being mentally mutilated, being enslaved by demons or wicked people, or on the other hand being something special (I know I am, but not like this…), a holy messenger of peace (by suggesting people building a strong ai while openly discussing every step in public, and making sure ethical guidelines are applied so that the ai won’t force people a will but follow theirs…I know would fail because of human selfishness), or being cursed (in my youth by just about anyone I knew, in a shizo forum, or as result of the flat earth thread, by whatever reason that might be possibly). I have to think my brain is wired by special services, or aliens, or just by the power of god that is in part in control by the devil, that other people have to put me into hell for their own selfish needs, the list could go on forever, there is no end in finding topics. The initial paranoia was a joke against what I’m experiencing now. Well you might get it, it is all about phantasy stories that are impossible to proove so one can only either belive or not. The whole thing even made me as agnostic a beliver, while I really hate beliving unproovable things, it sometimes helps a bit. I am constantly exposed to thoughts, hallucinations, voices in the head etc. trying to sustain the active belives. And belive me one thing, it is not fun like it may sound, the constant forcing into beliving without doubt it is torment, I had no single second of not beliving something wicked or silly since the last year, and only little peace during the whole time since year 2000. I have often in this carreer wished I’d rather be dead than continue suffering, however positivity always comes back, along with the idea that no suffering is eternal, and lifts me up once in a while. Also there is always hope, that the psychosis might just end, with a bang or just fall asleep, a hope that also often sustains myself against the wicked voices in my head, that are like being generated by some divine computer and always only try to subdue me and try to make me fear or obey them.

I know this discussion would probably also be around the psychiatric system and the medication. I know many people hate the medication, naming it lobotomy because of its severe side effects, condemning people who use or advocate it. I know it is very bad stuff, but it is the only that science has today. And sometimes, it is better to be doped up a little than to having to suffer endless pain. People who say that psychotic people should never take the medication must be either devils, or they have no idea what psychosis is like. I think many people could benefit into doing through the trip in a protected environmend, with people who watch for them and that could dope them up in case it gets too much again. But suggesting a psychotic to try to go through the loss of self alone is like pushing someone who is blind and deaf onto a busy road telling him to just evade the traffic and go onto the other side. I mean it is serious. I can understand antipsychatric movements as the government installations might be cruel nazi shit in many countries. But I don’t think certain people are aware of the suffering psychosis causes, traumatizing, soul destroying suffering. Many psychotics would maybe die, or kill someone else, or suffer endlessly, if it weren’t for medication freeing their mind in relative ways. I myself do this medication and know what I’m talking about, it is only partially effective, and taking too much for too long will make you dumb, but I belive if I hadn’t done it I’d already be dead or completely insane.

So…yes, this is how I see it. I’d like to ecourage discussion - 1% of population suffers psychosis, it is not just some sole freaks. Most people hide it in shame. Also shame for the forced ideas they had, while I think, there is nothing to take shame in, psychosis is strong mindfuck and can do just about anything to you, even to the strongest man while the weakest might miraculously stand and conquer the pain. So I let my thoughts be with the true suffering ones of our society, and suggest you to think about it for a minute or two as well.

(random) #2

Hello Zer0 Fly,

I do not know the movie yet.
Maybe interesting for you

(Adrian) #3

Hi Zer0, sorry to hear about your affliction, it can definitely be a very scary illness. There is definitely the potential for the spirit to be way too open, and thus be susceptible to various external influences, but they are only a reflection of that which is already inside of you. In that sense it can be extremely difficult to tell fact from fiction. Obviously certain drugs including pot, MDMA, mushrooms can severely exacerbate the situation on account of their ability to “open you up”. On the other hand, under the care of a VERY good practitioner these tools can also help as the problem is often on that level. Many good herbs can also balance energies within the body and mind that can ease and even remedy the symptoms / causes. Meditation can often help. Pharmaceuticals - in the case of deep work will interfere completely. I recommend the book “The anatomy of an epidemic” - Robert Whitaker for a description of the pharma industry as a business that has not tested meds properly and released meds that in fact amplify and bring out altered and unwanted states of consciousness. Getting off the meds to will usually temporarily amplify the symptoms for 2 months or so. Having said that I’m glad that your current meds are bringing you relief and they seem like a good option for now, so please do not take any of this as medical advice. Wish you all the best.

(Zer0 Fly) #4

Hey nice input, I appreciate that. Yes I know about the movie, always wanted to see it in full length. Interesting stories of ppl who managed to put their Illusion into controlled state.

I’ve tried, but I cannot stand it without medication. With medication it already is the worst hell. Like since over a year or so I am constantly zoned out, without even a second of pause, always tormenting thought and images and artificial belief/delusion in the mind, eating away my soul. It is nightmare an I am glad other people don’t have to stand the same. Be grateful if you feel alone in your head, not being alone by force is debiliating torture. I’ve ried without medication in the past, but then it becomes so overwhelming, that after a short period of time I cannot see the world anymore, I just kept forgetting and was constantly in twisted thoughts the size of a painted volkswagon bus, just most of the time with evil demons instead of stoned hippies inside.

Ah whatever. I just meant to tell my story to ask people not to disregard psychotic people. Many people seem to avoid or reject or even hate others who are like me. We are no monsters or idiots, what we experience is sometimes far beyond describability, and sometimes impossible to control for us. Be fair - we’re just humans with a shitload of kack illusion and belief control in the head. Mind you, once we manage to shake off delusion most of use are ultra ashamed with what we were beliving in or having done because of that. It’s not brokenness, it is something additional, though something that can break the sane mind on the long run in subtle ways.

I dare to speak up, but only because my illusion and the kaputness of my brain makes me belief that I can just forget what I belived a minute ago, thus I tend not to do the very silly things because of the psychosis like other people who cannot shake off the ill delusion.

(Ledger) #5

Hey Zer0 Fly,

Sorry to hear of your very tough journey! and not really sure what to add here that wouldn`t just sound like platitudes.

Just want to throw out some appreciation to your contributions on the renoise forum though. I often see you chipping in and being highly helpul to users on the boards!

All The Best!

(Zer0 Fly) #6

Thanks for the kind words. Trying to be helpful to others actually helps me with my psychosis. In my head I have to watch some kind of sick mental machine fucking with my consciousness, inputting random thoughts of varying comfort 24/7 without pause, forcing my will so that it seems involved for me - blinding me at the same time so I cannot realise at first. But as I helped people, and often told the truth from my heart to people, the same thing simulates helping and revealing entities, thus I am like a punching ball punched from the left, while at the right it is held upright. Being positive to others helps me to feel artificially jolly giddy glee once in a while, I hate it though.

Still rolling in the mental mutilation zone. What is chopped off is replaced with something else so the body can just live on. So…am I dead alive? Or rather - the illusion of something missing while it is still there, is replaced with the illusion of that thing is coming from somewhere else. Thing wants me to play games in my head all the time. Too fucked to make music since a long while, really missing the peaceful flow…thing makes me tell everything I ever could tell to other people, I simply cannot resist once in a while.

Yes normally it isn’t apearant, as I know my mind is constantly bent and blinded, once a tiny glimpse of conscious thinking comes through the mud I can let go of the delusion, questioning, refusing to belive anything.

My advice to people with psychosis, wanting to kill themselves as “they are in the head and there is no peace” - it is not the end, just change your life and get used to constant brainwash that can also have its interesting sides and that always has the chance that it will fade away. Do not belive the lies that illusion voices tell all the time. Its all about the barking, thoughts cannot bite, it only seems they can at times. Paranoia is to be ignored, after a secret number of x ignored paranoid thoughts the option pops up and will stay to simply let go of the paranoid thought. No belief but in what is truly experienced (Illusion as it is perceived and as it is manipulating the mind to be seen as something different) is the only belief that will create an illusion of freedom. Peace.