I try to stay away from superficial, egoistic people. Those only drive you into doing superficial, egoistic deeds that are unhealthy. Those would not respect me anyways, as they would instantly recognise me as disabled person, and those tend to only like people that emanate the same aura of showing off success in their way of life.
And I get what you mean with proper life, not staying in front of the computer too much. Well the constant threadmill in the head and the side effects of medication keep me from normal life. For example I don’t drive cars any more, because the trips and meds fucked up my attention. I keep training reactions with old video games, though.
Yep and…well, it always hits me when things turned out good for me, already 3 times in my life in the same way. First I shake off all paranoia and delusion, then start growing into things, and then - my phantasy gets cranked up in unhealthy ways and then the hallucinations etc. kick in, bombing me out of the track just as if my life doesn’t wish me to ever attain any happiness.
And the voices, well. They changed a lot over the years, with my mind becoming capable of resisting the manipulation, it got ever and ever more subtle and using stronger inner blinding to try to influence me. It is hard to describe, it is a wild mix of delusion, hearing voices of different kinds, seeing inner images and sometimes thoughts that seem to come from elswhere, it uses symbolic pictures and internal actions, like “mindfuck” is the proper word to describe it. Or rather…“mindrape”. It at times seems to attract my attention to certain hallucinations and delusions, and it seems that if you indulge you will nourish another substrate for the thing to influence you, like if you hear things like a real sounding voice outside, hit the thought of it probably being artificial and interesting to try to listen to it…then you are either nosy, listen to it more and more, and you will be exposed to voices of that kind for a long time. Or you reject the temptation to listen and push your attention elsewere, then it will try for some times but never attain being able to manipulate you with this kind of voices.
It really is like it seems to try to get me into a certain topic, for example some person(s) which it tries to let me belive they caused my problems. The more I let flow into my inside of the shit, the stronger the blinding will get. Usually then it will try to push me into actions, and that is the point where it can be broken, for example by refusing doing negative actions (damaging something or someone), or by refuting the delusion stories as having aspects that could only be invented inside the own mind, and that have no correlation to real knowledge, being tricks that seem to be thought to let me do something that is unfortunate for me and others. Well, mostly I happen to break such an attack at some point, and then there will be some intimidation programme running, then it goes into self destruction, and just as it is silent a new seed of delusion, sometimes an old story, sometimes a new, is planted. I can sometimes witness the thoughts from the beginning of such a thing, it all starts with some imagination that seems desireable or that one would wish to know further about, and then it blows itself up with every thought that I consider instead of reject. It is tricky shit, it sounds easy but it will blind you so that you only have seldom chances to reflect what is happening to break it. And also - these seeds are seemingly started in a way such that I always have one or even multiple stories running, keeping my mind busy and not letting me any peace. Yes the thing reacts to anything I see or do and it knows everything that I know by default, and it likes to let me think that it knows even more, so it can delude me or hook me into some flow. It took some time for the thing to show me, or rather, I found by rejecting the delusion until it became apparent. Whenever I do something bad the voices tell me, they seem to get more influence on me, can do stronger blinding etc. It is worth to note that if you do good deeds, that make other people happy, bring joy or such, then the thing becomes weaker and the resistance becomes stronger. It never tries to let me do positive deeds.
That might sound like I’m a winner, but I’m not, the stuff hooked me more than ever possible, and I’m weeping on my last portion of strength.
And you should be careful about telling people not to take their meds. Even if you wish to help them. Yep the shit is nasty, but it also conditions the brain chemistry in a certain ways that will result in very very strong delusion and hallucinations as withdrawal symptom within like 2 weeks. Like triggering a psychosis that can be much more potent than the intial one that was treated with the pills. You don’t want anyone to go through that, not even with assistance. To get off from that shit you need to slowly reduce the dosage over the course of many months, getting slower and slower in reduction rate as approaching zero.