Schizophrenia Awareness


(LofiMat) #82

I wonder how many different personalieties are actualy talking to each other here?

Anyway All of this is way above my head and nothing what I can add or be helpful.
I’m a simple Dude, when I have hunger I’ll go to McDonalds and buy me a happy meal. Then I’m happy, then smoke some weed and maybe take a sh*t and listen to some Trap-beatz.

Life is simple and we just make it complicated for most the time. Have fun and enbjoy it!


(Zer0 Fly) #83

I am a single personality, and give account only to experiences and opinions that are real. Don’t know about the other people here, though. I’m always trying to ignore paranoia and just take things as they seem.

Well, and a psychotic person cannot enjoy life any more. It is transformed to a world of constant pain and fear. There is no more peace inside, as long as the psychosis is rolling.

We psychotic people are captains of pain and fear. We are being tempered with the hardest.

A lot of people don’t see that and disrespect. That is why I made this thread: to ask for some fucking respect.


#84

I understand what your saying, that maybe there are less narrow minded kinds of therapists out there who will not force you or hurt you. If those people help you then its good. I guess it must be obvious to you already but just go with whatever really helps you. If you do activities in which you cant break concentration, you wont be able to think or respond to any demon bastard shit anyway. Those kind of activities like drumming or dancing (where you have to keep the beat), juggling (where you cant drop the ball), Even just cutting up a lot of breaks and arranging single hits into drumkits for keys or pads…I know it sounds dumb but things like that ( less so with cutting up breaks, but still to some extent)…you have to concentrate and cant think about anything other than what you are doing so other things cant fuck with you as much.

Another thing to say is sounds like you are having a problem with society as well as from what is going on inside. With everything that is going on in the world right now who can blame you? Your right its not only psychiatry that have that kind of arrogant, elitist attitude…its also politicians, business people etc. Everyone can feel it now. The rise of extreme far right shit across europe…countries being dragged into war after war after war by america, but also the fear that the news channels pump out everyday, or the insecurities that advertizers want you to feel so you will buy things. All around you there are messages telling you different things…so sometimes I think with unregulated media these days there may even be subliminal mesaging going into peoples minds.

The way I look at it there is no trust in other people anymore in the big cities. Everyone cares about money only…all the old groups have been separated into single families, there is no shared culture anymore, they will even try to turn the different generations against each other. In an older time there were still tribes or clans or even villages…people came together to dance and had their festivals together, they helped each other out, they kept the same friends and knew the same people throughout life…but now everyone is out to cheat someone else out of money so they can grab at the things they are told they need. Some bullshit expensive handbag or perfume, some bullshit fast car or a big watch, the fastest computer or the shiniest pointy shoes. They are idiots. If you are quite perceptive, no wonder it drags you down a bit. I have to admit I do kind of want the fastest computer though… A lot of people look upwards to people in higher ranking posisitions as their role models. The problem with that is that those people are often cold, manipulative, psycho bastards.
You can see a lot of people trying to emulate the ‘higher ups’ so they can look ‘sophisticated’ but the ‘higher ups’ are retards a lot of the time. They can be so cold to get gains for themselves. It hurts everyone.

If you take the example of politicians instead of psychiatrists look at how they lie and change face…Acting sweetly, putting on a ‘clean, professional’ accent, saying nice things but then murdering thousands of people…and if they get found out they cry like a little kid and try to trick you with their crocodile tears.

Its like Teresa May from U.K. Yesterday she had to resign and she was crying like a little girl with full victimhood on display. If you saw only that video of her you might genuinely feel sorry for her but if you dig a little deeper…and look at the recordings of her laughing confidently and saying she would definitely murder 100000 innocent civilians with a nuclear bomb…if you contrast those two videos you can start to understand how these cold bastards try to cheat you and manipulate you…no wonder people get psychosis these days.

EXAMPLE 1 ( MASS MURDERER ) -

EXAMPLE 2 ( VICTIMHOOD ) -


(Zer0 Fly) #85

Yeah totally with you in such regards, this world is pretty fucked up by people, who are sick in such as being too eager. But its just another stress factor about the story. I don’t read about conspiracy theories anymore, it is just too much depressing that so often it seems that the most absurd stories might actually have something true about them, or not, but then something else must be fucked up big time just by judging how people in this world tend to treat each other. Sometimes I think that maybe psychosis would sometimes be just…some artificial spiritual mental ensnarement shit going on that ugly people do to those who seem like they could get into the ways of the big plans that they pursue, or even enable them to let the victims be used in their regards. And then they have them downed, and are fine out, the insane dude will not be able to achieve anything in this world anymore, and once the dude gets too problematic they just raise the delusion and headfuck level until the dude is neutralized again. And then dude does strange things, and gets caught and drugged up, and as the drugs won’t work for him, he gets drugged up and locked away for good, and instead of people saying: what a nice dude, strong in dreams, did so much good for so many people, people would say: look at that icky idiot, that cretin who has no mind, useless guy, don’t ever become like him or you will be as icky as he is.

But I don’t care about such stuff anymore, I’m glad when I have some minutes where I can do something meaningful without the delusion breaking the workflow. The problem for me is I can only really “work” when I’m feeling good and am rested well. At the moment I sometimes can for an hour or so, but mostly I’m like blocked up. Psychosis has now strung me out for over a year constant mindfuck. I can hardly weep anymore.


#86

Sounds to me like after you came into contact with psychiatry you have been experiencing something like a kind of punisment for the wrong types of behaviours and thoughts

Punishments for -

people who dont want to work,
people who dont buy a lot of things,
people who dont believe in the authority of certain authority figures.
( people who question authority ).
people who think deeply and dont just take what is presented to them as fact.

Its weird there seems to be a pattern emerging in people Ive spoken to who have come into contact with psychiatry…some pattern like below

healthy and happy but got wasted one night (or something along those lines)

came into contact with psychiatry

became physically ill

started hearing psychiatrists

started hearing abuse and demon-like nazi stuff.

started hearing psychiatrists again

couldnt work, couldnt relax, whole life fucked by psychiatry

best way is to avoid all contact with them forever and just deal with the attack stuff by yourself.

Seems like psychiatry gves you a pill that makes you sick and damages you, then they offer up a course of other pills which dumb you down and make you zombified… In other words they can sell a long course of zombie pills if they make sure they fuck you up with a damage pill first. Otherwise you are not ill and dont need their shit and they wont get paid for selling that shit. Like a nasty scam.

On the other hand, if you say those pills help you then its up to you. Whatever helps. Go with what you yourself know helps you and not what someone else tells you.

For me, the way I see it, even if someone wants to roll around on the floor and climb trees making ‘calls of the wild’ or whatever the fuck they enjoy that doesnt hurt anyone else…theres nothing wrong with that…seems like psychiatry might want to just drug anyone around who is doing something they dont understand with their narrow minded, simpleton way of looking at the world…

For example they might want to lock up and drug ‘modern dance’ or ‘performance art’ - anything they dont understand in their ‘professional, social climber, projecting success’ kind of world view.

you know, these kinds of people who insist that they are by far the most ‘sensible and proper, upstanding’ etc…those people are often the worst psycho of all.

What is the name of the drug you are taking? have you researched what is actually in it?


(Zer0 Fly) #87

Sory dude, but this is dangerous bullshit. You describe the snare well, but then your theories don’t fit my situation. Please stop ranting conspiracy theories about psychiatrists here. You don’t know, I don’t know, no reason to have too much talk about things that we cannot truly know.

I don’t think that psychiatrists are satanic magicians that can put a mental torture snare into my mind. Yes the medication is part of what made me heavily disabled. But the torture didn’t start when I came into contact to psychiatrists. It actually started when I knew certain people who seemed to be interested in the crowley stuff etc, trying to be evil though not showing openly, but I don’t want to theorise and I also don’t wish to have anything to do anymore with them or such people or theirs beliefs in general.

I myself believe that our life is like training an AI, generating experience itself as a thing that can be accumulated and will one day enable beings to live in perfect harmony and freedom. Everything you do to other people by will you will have to experience yourself, in this or in further lifes, sometimes ever and ever again until you got the nature of the experience, and know to evade it in case it is a bad experience. Sometimes I think if this is true, I either must have been a very wicked man in a former life, or there are certain experiences that are mandatory for beings to make at a certain stage, and psychosis might be one of those. I mean, we should cherish it, there are also a lot of good experiences possible, and bringing good experience to others will mean that oneself will have further good experiences. It is just very hard to practice well in this world.

I went to see psychiatrists many years ago when the delusion already fucked me so hard that I couldn’t take it anymore. Then they gave me pills that transformed the stuff into half intensity (still too much for me) and made me very sick until I got used to them and lowered dosage. It is true that the medication will make you feel zombified if it is overdosed or you don’t respond well to it. Some of the docs and therapists were eager to put me into working programmes, or try to destroy my delusion though they couldn’t at any price, but I learned to try to avoid such people. That’s about the story.


#88

O.K sorry. If the psychosis started before you came into contact with psychiatrists and you sought them out yourseslf by your own free will then it is a completely different phenomenon from the thing which I became curious about which is that there is a technology which can target peoples minds for having the ‘wrong’ political view, like for example not supporting far right - anti immigration political parties, or for exposing the lies and coverups of establishment parties.
Nevermind about that, Im not trying to fuck with your head but Ive just heard about that kind of thing and I was curious.

Anyway, you say it happened after you knew some ‘black metal’, allistair crowley, satanist type people. Were they also rich business people? Or from rich families? Were they into mescaline, fly-agaric mushrooms, stuff like that? Or were they more into chemically shit like methamphetamine?


(Zer0 Fly) #89

Actually the thing is confronting me with the methods of such ideologies, like you describe. But I think it is a twofold thing. Either you get very scared and do as those fishy voices tell you, or you notice the fishyness, and then it still exposes you to get ever harder and harder against such ideologies, with every blow you take or dodge you will become more resistive against the mindfuck.

I must say, that such things like the idea that you have to experience yourself an equivalent what you cause in others, is part of my psychosis. Sometimes I think it is the saint shit, but then again, I don’t know a shit, it is just the psychosis manipulating me, also such that I keep writing about that stuff and cannot hold it back.

Actually, I can only recommend anyone with similar problems to read the proper spiritual texts. Like the bible, the qu’ran, or the buddhis sutras. All three of those promote a righteous way of live, and seem to contain a lot of information about what is going on spiritually, what is the meaning of life, what kind of experiences life can bring, such stuff. Like the law of having to experience what you cause is encrypted in sayings like “For whosoever exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted.” means just that thing, if you put yourself above someone else with violence and with no proper reason, you will have to experience the reverse, that you will some day experience being downed by violence, such that the experience that is generated will in future keep you from carelessly doing the thing to some else’s harm.

Also it is like “24 “When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ 25 When it arrives, it finds the house swept clean and put in order. 26 Then it goes and takes seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first.”” probaly means that if someone does something spiritual (like driving out of the body into some spiritual remain) and causes pain while being so because of being unripe for such action (“impure spirit”), he will experience sevenfold the pain he caused (by the illusion of seven spirits treating him just as he treated others while on the flight).

It is just sad that wicked people killed that Jesus guy, I don’t think he was something most surpreme, maybe just another spiritually downed guy who has done good on his trips so the truth was bleeding into his mind. However, I think if they had honored him, he would have been able to explain his visions in a much better way, to the benefit of people knowing the laws of life in a proper way, enabling them to avoid suffering and still generate the meaning of life, which is experience itself. But I don’t think that our world is too badly against the meaning of life. All actors who cause suffering, will in future generations learn to avoid further suffering, and so the suffering isn’t futile but actually a substrate for avoiding its propagation at some point.

I wonder what would happen if I told such things to a psychiatrist. Mentioning, that I am in kind of fever about these kind thoughts, but they don’t drive me into other actions than the irresistible wish to share them to other people. Would you think they’d lock me away, then go to church and eat a portion of the body of the saint, so they don’t have to suffer from their misdeeds until the ever next backlash comes and they cannot purge themselves anymore, or sell their pain to the evil one who will use them to delay his own backlash and enslave them.


#90

o.k i think i get what your saying, that maybe you think something has gone wrong in your thoughts about ‘putting yourself in anothers shoes’…like roletaking or empathy abilities.

everyone has thoughts like that, nothing to worry about.
Also your idea of training an AI as a metaphor for the experience of life doesnt really sound crazy to me either. Could make a cool scifi novel or screenplay.

are you sure you dont just have ‘cabin fever’ from spending too much time alone making beats and studying sound design, lua and such things ( pure data perhaps, or max msp, shit like that ).

things like that can be a real technical headfuck if thats the only thing you do without taking breaks and doing something else. Maybe it would be cool for you to find some creative people who dont mind talking about metaphors and philosophical stuff. Maybe youve just got too many ‘acting sensible’,‘uptight’, ‘pointy shiny shoes’, ‘short back and sides / jarhead’ types around you and you cant chill with them because they are dicks, so now just spending too much time alone?

that might be part of it, the other part about fishy voices i cant really say.

do they get agressive and threatening when you think about drugs…or do they try to manipulate you into doing something? do they always talk about far-right stuff?

best idea i have is simple one…its partly a problem with bloodflow from staying seated leaning forwards at the computer all the time (like maybe leaning over your midi controller to make tunes in renoise )…answer is cardiovascular excerise…gets more blood to the head…and drink more water.

Maybe the other part of it is just simply shit is too boring and you need to go out and get drunk and have fun with some cool people…

also you said you play guitar. Maybe take a break from computer everynow and then to practise guitar solos…much more fun than computer sometimes.

Maybe there are just too many total dickheads around you…uptight, think they are ‘sensible and grown up’ whilst being overly confident, naieve, narrow minded and childlike, but with no imagination…only thing they can understand is ‘monkey see monkey do’…trying to emulate other total dicks who have more money than they do…like the people pictured below…just total dicks, douchewads…whatever they can be called


(Zer0 Fly) #91

I try to stay away from superficial, egoistic people. Those only drive you into doing superficial, egoistic deeds that are unhealthy. Those would not respect me anyways, as they would instantly recognise me as disabled person, and those tend to only like people that emanate the same aura of showing off success in their way of life.

And I get what you mean with proper life, not staying in front of the computer too much. Well the constant threadmill in the head and the side effects of medication keep me from normal life. For example I don’t drive cars any more, because the trips and meds fucked up my attention. I keep training reactions with old video games, though.

Yep and…well, it always hits me when things turned out good for me, already 3 times in my life in the same way. First I shake off all paranoia and delusion, then start growing into things, and then - my phantasy gets cranked up in unhealthy ways and then the hallucinations etc. kick in, bombing me out of the track just as if my life doesn’t wish me to ever attain any happiness.

And the voices, well. They changed a lot over the years, with my mind becoming capable of resisting the manipulation, it got ever and ever more subtle and using stronger inner blinding to try to influence me. It is hard to describe, it is a wild mix of delusion, hearing voices of different kinds, seeing inner images and sometimes thoughts that seem to come from elswhere, it uses symbolic pictures and internal actions, like “mindfuck” is the proper word to describe it. Or rather…“mindrape”. It at times seems to attract my attention to certain hallucinations and delusions, and it seems that if you indulge you will nourish another substrate for the thing to influence you, like if you hear things like a real sounding voice outside, hit the thought of it probably being artificial and interesting to try to listen to it…then you are either nosy, listen to it more and more, and you will be exposed to voices of that kind for a long time. Or you reject the temptation to listen and push your attention elsewere, then it will try for some times but never attain being able to manipulate you with this kind of voices.

It really is like it seems to try to get me into a certain topic, for example some person(s) which it tries to let me belive they caused my problems. The more I let flow into my inside of the shit, the stronger the blinding will get. Usually then it will try to push me into actions, and that is the point where it can be broken, for example by refusing doing negative actions (damaging something or someone), or by refuting the delusion stories as having aspects that could only be invented inside the own mind, and that have no correlation to real knowledge, being tricks that seem to be thought to let me do something that is unfortunate for me and others. Well, mostly I happen to break such an attack at some point, and then there will be some intimidation programme running, then it goes into self destruction, and just as it is silent a new seed of delusion, sometimes an old story, sometimes a new, is planted. I can sometimes witness the thoughts from the beginning of such a thing, it all starts with some imagination that seems desireable or that one would wish to know further about, and then it blows itself up with every thought that I consider instead of reject. It is tricky shit, it sounds easy but it will blind you so that you only have seldom chances to reflect what is happening to break it. And also - these seeds are seemingly started in a way such that I always have one or even multiple stories running, keeping my mind busy and not letting me any peace. Yes the thing reacts to anything I see or do and it knows everything that I know by default, and it likes to let me think that it knows even more, so it can delude me or hook me into some flow. It took some time for the thing to show me, or rather, I found by rejecting the delusion until it became apparent. Whenever I do something bad the voices tell me, they seem to get more influence on me, can do stronger blinding etc. It is worth to note that if you do good deeds, that make other people happy, bring joy or such, then the thing becomes weaker and the resistance becomes stronger. It never tries to let me do positive deeds.

That might sound like I’m a winner, but I’m not, the stuff hooked me more than ever possible, and I’m weeping on my last portion of strength.

And you should be careful about telling people not to take their meds. Even if you wish to help them. Yep the shit is nasty, but it also conditions the brain chemistry in a certain ways that will result in very very strong delusion and hallucinations as withdrawal symptom within like 2 weeks. Like triggering a psychosis that can be much more potent than the intial one that was treated with the pills. You don’t want anyone to go through that, not even with assistance. To get off from that shit you need to slowly reduce the dosage over the course of many months, getting slower and slower in reduction rate as approaching zero.


(Zer0 Fly) #92

By the way, @brinemeister I thought about the stories of people hearing the voice stuff with far right stuff etc. Now I don’t have the fucking Trump in my head, yet I see that it seems to behave like my psychosis did many years ago when it started. It is just that it kind of wears a different “costume” than it did for me, and I quite quickly got rid of that level by being uncooperative against the voices by default, so it switched to higher levels of mindrape.

IDK how you are involved with those people suffering, but I might want to give little pointers. Now first the medication will zombifiy people only when it is taken at maximum dosage. Classical psychiatry always does that trying to kick people out of their trip completely, with side effects. But in lower dosage it still can be helpful, the side effects are still noticeable but won’t turn people into robot/zombie mode - the stuff has potential to transform overwhelming experience into weaker ones, that is more manageable and easier to resist. Concepts like the “soteria” work with such methods, assisting the psychotics to go through their trip with low dosage, instead of doping them away. This will only work with people who are still in control of theirselves, of course. I also know that some hallucinogen users are always keen to get some antipsychotic pills, I think seroquel is most popular among them for its calming properties - to push people out of bad trips with a single high dose, when the lsd or peyote shows its ugly side for them. But as I said - with constant intake it will cause the brain chemistry to adapt, and it will have to be reduced slowly when the visions are gone or have become manageable. Benzo pills like Lorazepam can also be helpful, when the psychotic is very upset or has strong fear, yet the shit makes addicted on the long run and will then result in withdrawal with delirium, like heroin.

Of course very good to try to strengthen the focus/concentration, it will enable you sometimes to take little breaks from the trips doing something useful or distracting, and it will also help to manage resisting the the mindfuck. For me the delusion often forces my attention into itself, even when I’m busy with things sometimes, and meditation is very hard for me because of it, things seemingly have to be discriminated instead of just letting it go and pass by, and this is not what meditation is normally about. But, when letting go doesn’t work and the wicked thoughts grab my attention with force, then looking away and discriminating the grab as wrong and unhelathy often helps me to break it and be able to focus on the meditation object again.

Also I want to share a little mind poem I found in my trips. As I got no self invented dance yet, at least I found some helpful words to recite. Often when I notice that I am lost in the mindrape once again, I innerly say it to myself in slow and calm pace…I try to realise what each line of text is saying as vividly as possible while saying it to myself. For example when saying “I know that I am feeling” I focus on the emotion I currently have, or I try to raise a feeling of love, which seems strong in effect. It lets you focus on things that are true and real and that have nothing to do with the mindfuck, disrupting it for a second, enabling me to find a fresh start. It sometimes has strong short effect, sometimes mild, and it slightly brings my mind back to reality, often enough to be able to focus on meditation again. I translated into english it works for me just like in german, this is it:

I notice that I am adrift again.
I notice how, calm myself, and breathe.
I am breathing in, I am breathing out (3x)

I know that I am breathing,
I know that I am feeling,
I know that I am thinking,
I know that I am.

I know where I am,
I know how I am,
I am here!

I am awake and free!
I am breathing.


#93

I like the poem.
Its almost like a haiku in its simplicity but has a lot of meaning inside it as well.
A lot of good music is that way too…you know, not adding too much, knowing where to leave space and keep things silent. Refining the music down to the best part even if its short and simple…not music made for showing off ‘solo skills’ or technical knowledge, but music made to convey a feeling. Yeah man, good poem I like it.

Check out some of those japanese haikus…some of them are genius, even after translation into english.

hey, as you are bilingual…do they speak to you in german or english…just out of curiosity.
Also, could you recommend me some of those old school games you said hone your reactions? Im a fan of games like that as well…ones that are action-packed and hone your reactions, rather than turn based, RPG stuff, roll the dice, pick a card…I find those ones so boring…

I was a big fan of NOVA3 multiplayer online on android for a while…that was some serious combat…but then they brought out a cheat that let people fly and go through walls. that kinda runined it.


#94

heres a poem for you

In Spring sleeping, unaware of dawn
everywhere hearing birdsong
In the night, the sound of wind and rain
how many flowers fell?


(Zer0 Fly) #95

The thing that makes the voices seems to have access to my whole experience, tormenting me with using it. Voices are in german or english, sometimes snippets of other languages that I know bits of. Normally they are rolling mostly in german, but when I used english, like writing in this forum, chances are raised that they present me with some english stuff. One third language is what I call “thought images”, which are some hint of pictures in the head, that when they pop up make you understand things without words. That might sound cool, but when you’re like me exposed to that shit 24/7 without pause, you forget what you were presented when it is gone, and it will make the mind very weak and it is mega frightening and painful. The thing however doesn’t seem to be able to use knowledge other than what I have, so I normallly assume anything it presents me which I don’t know by myself is fiction. Rarely it seems to know or do something beyond this.

Well, the thing can use my whole experience, and out of it invent anything with phantasy that is possible - while torturing me it constantly confronts me with paranoid stories. The thing’s most used story is that I have been forced some satanic gateway into my head by “friends” who had commited themselves to a warlock who wished to abuse and sell me for their profit, and thing turned out wrong because I didn’t do enough bad things for the thing to gain total control over me, bringing me into their hands where I would have been exposed to their will. So they just let me become schizophrenic and get destroyed, because they weren’t allowed to help me, or didn’t dare, fearing similar torture than what I am experiencing for 20 years now. But later the warlock out of need or greed or so sold me to another warlock, declaring me being under mental bondage so he could enslave me, but however, their magic turned out wrong somehow, making me to expose my story into public. The story now goes on, that they try with all might to bind me with magic, and will try to kill me for talking and trying to resist, Thing points at every person I am seeing, trying to suggest me that person will take out a knife and kill me. Also thing wants me to follow instructions and walk somewhere to some car, ride with them, but it of course won’t tell me where I will go then, only suggesting me I might be freed then, or would be killed then. It is mayhem.


(Zer0 Fly) #96

Also it keeps trying to make me belive that I would be in dept to it, and would have to follow commands from it. It tries to say to me that I would have wanted the “tree of knowing good and evil”, would have taken it and thus would be in debt. But I never wanted it and never have done anything to try to attain it, but it tries to let me believe it was tricked onto me, or someone forced it onto me, and thus I would be bound. It lets me see thoughts, and tries to let me believe afterwards that I would be in debt for seeing this. Shit imposter, tries to force something onto me and then make me believe I would have to pay for it. Sometimes I believe it is a devil. It destroyed my life. I always keep wishing myself back to when I was 18, not psychotic, free in mind and soul, never done anyone any bad and never wished anyone any bad…just wanted to make art to make people happy, and change the world so that peole can be more free and are able to be more kind to each other. Life fucked me pretty hard.


#97

Sounds like the thing you describe is trying to test what it can make you do with various forms of harassment. For example, wants you to turn around…tells you person in front has knife…wants you to turn left, tells you to go to a certain car. Ever wonder if it is happening more around security cameras, stuff like that. Like if you go out into a quiet forest where there are no cameras, does it become confused?

Sounds like some horrible strange shit dude I dont really know what to say. Is there one of them or more than one? if there is more than one, are they all male or are there female ones as well?

Can you recommend me some cool old school games?
Going through old school catalogues the best games are so difficult to find…there are so many lame games for NES for example…but a few hidden gems

heres some more haikus off the internet randomly

From time to time
The clouds give rest
To the moon-beholders.

  • Matsuo Bashō

Blowing from the west
Fallen leaves gather
In the east.

  • Yosa Buson

An old silent pond…
A frog jumps into the pond,
splash! Silence again.

  • Matsuo Bashō

Over the wintry
forest, winds howl in rage
with no leaves to blow.

  • Natsume Soseki

The lamp once out
Cool stars enter
The window frame.

  • Natsume Soseki

#98

Does its voice sound like a quite gangster kind of voice or does it sound like someone trying hard to be posh, does it sound like your own voice or definitely not?
Seems like it gives you a lot of stuff from fantasy novels…not so much on a scifi theme.
If it always tries to trick you, never react to it. If you are drumming out a beat you cant react, need to keep the beat. If you are listening to music and inventing dance moves or juggling…things like that you are already concentrating, you cant interact with them. maybe you can get some brief rest while doing those things. Even if its just a lame square dance like line dancing, or only drawing shapes in the air to the beat. It will probably still shout its attention seeking bullshit at you but will be getting ignored successfully…look at it like its just some lame dickhead trying to pretend to be a magical warlock or whatever, rather than actually a magical thing.


(Zer0 Fly) #99

It is always the same regardless of any cameras or shit, though in churches it sometimes becomes more silent and then there is a very eerie feeling. Currently it is trying to make me belive that I am responsible for the death of people by not doing what the voices tell me, and that I have to kill myself, or obey, to make good for. Trying to generate and then exploit bad conscience is one of the standard tricks it tries to play with me to crack me up.

And it has shown me in the past that it can simulate any voice, any number of voices or “entities”, with any timbre, it is no “people” it is one thing doing some kind of puppet play. I know for some people they can name characters, and treat each as individual being, being involved in some kind of dialogue. But for me it seems it just tries to spam my mind with random manipulation crap without pause and as hard as it can, so I cannot keep track of any characters, because I don’t even get a single second of free mind to think about such stuff - it is just about the current situation and how I react to it, and it seemingly tries to be as subtle as it can, so I am only able to notice what it want to manipulate me with, and not so much any surrounding information of the puppet play. In the past I must have shown that I notice the timbre or posh or such as attempt to manipulate me. And you are right - everything it is doing, it is not doing to “talk” to me or such, but it is trying to manipulate me, to trick me into believing and doing things. No reaction is the best reaction, but it seems it can supress that “no reaction” thing, blinding me and putting me into the delusion in a way as such I cannot reflect for some time. Then I of course get entagled in unhealthy stories, and have to untangle/forget afterwads to try to free myself from the manipulation.

Ah and the games. I installed “retroarch”, and currently play snes and n64. As you say, if you are very busy with something, you can break the delusion at times. But then again I’m down for 20 years now, and in the first 15 years I did know very little about the thing, so it could do with me as it pleased… I am very strung out and have become very weak in mind, and it often forces my mind into the delusion. I cannot drum for example - it instantly becomes automatic and I’m in delusion realm, or the delusion is so hard that it breaks my abilities to stay in beat. I’ve tried, I’ve a drum and a didgeridoo, but it didn’t help me.

But sometimes I have good sessions with old games that challenge me. I decided to play the games only as long as getting used to them and mastering them challenges me, once I get too good/easy with a game I’m into the delusion again. Often I am too strung out to concentrate, and then the delusion can torment me again as it pleases, breaking my concentration to the game. IDK I don’t like violence games that much, as it just feeds violent tendencies in myself as well as in the delusion. With treating delusion it seems essential that you hold back of any violent tendencies, else it will make you wish to harm others or make you harm yourself! So the kids/baby shit is the best I can do for some minutes of distraction. I like super mario games (they can actually be pretty difficult, and have nice hidden stuff going that is sometimes hard to discover), playing the “allstars” rom for snes and the n64 version. Also I’m currently playing “waverace” on n64, it is a racing game, it has a nice extra twist that you need to take waves into account. In future I’ll try more racing games, good for my battered reaction and orientation skills, and no violence that would trigger ugly delusions. As I am close to getting through the hardest difficulty, waverace is slowly loosing the effect to free the mind. Maybe I’ll try some extra mayhem, like trying to win the easiest difficulty while driving in a handstand stunt all the time…


#100

I remember that game. That was a fun game for n64…there was another a snow boarding one but couldnt afford too many games back then.

If you like racing games…there are two great ones for PSP (which you can play on PC with PPSSPP emulator )…Wipeout pure and Wipeout pulse. Both of them are nice difficulty once you get into them. better with a control pad…Some of the later races are seriously intense. It has different challenges…time trials and so on in addition to normal racing. Also recently I got into playing DOOM ( plutonia experiment ). YOu can just download the WADs and play it through GZDOOm. Thats a pretty intense one as well. Its violent i guess but its so cartoony, not really that bad…They are all demons and imps and shit anyway. great game. I playesd it with xbox 360 controller for Windows and man, its nice to play doom with two joysticks, plus you can look up and down and jump and stuff you couldnt do before.

I like ‘gravity crash’ and ‘velocity’ for PSP as well. They are pspMINI games, so not that great graphically, but good gameplay. I like schmups (vertically scrolling shooters with a spacecraft) but they can be so frustrating at times…the difficulty is too much for some of them anyway good ones are darius, thunderforce and salamander 2 …those probably have PSP versions for PPSSPP emulator…more hassle to set up but if you can be bothered with it ‘harmful park’ and ‘gekioh shooting king’ for playstation emulator are pretty good too, but you have to go through some bullshit with the playstation games to get them running…you need a .bin to .iso converter called ‘ecm100’, the playstation emulator i use is called ‘psx_1_13’…

So, you think the illness thing might actually be some kind of a demon if it goes quiet inside churches? For me, if I had that kind of shit going on I’d be thinking more along the lines of ‘church must have lead lining in the roof’ or something like that…have you tried underground carparks? Like three floors down underground. Will it go silent then? How about total silence places with no background noise at all…a soundproofed booth or something…or somewhere way out in the countryside?

Yours sounds more abstract than the ones Ive heard described to me and seen people talk about in documentaries. Like you say its not talking but manipulating. Maybe you are somewhere between sleeping and waking when you zone out… then its there, part of dreaming, going through all of lifes expriences like in a dream.
But you know when you are about to wake up in the morning sometimes your dreams can become lucid…you can wake up a bit inside a dream…but dreaming state of mind cant take the waking mind, needs to be separate and it will kick you out into waking up with a nightmare,panic scenario everytime you start lucid dreaming. Maybe the problem is something to do with that. Waking mind and dreaming mind are incompatible sometimes…either way you look at it ‘dreaming awake’ or ‘waking asleep’.

But you really think it is a devil and not something like bloodflow, lungs, spine or kidneys having a problem or somehow entering into a dream state at the wrong time?
I wish I could help you out somehow man. It sounds terrible. No one deserves to have that kind of nasty manipulative shit happening all the time.


(Zer0 Fly) #101

Thanks…didn’t have psp on my focus for games yet, I’ll look into. Playstation 1 seems like too odd architecture to emulate on my laptop, so I cannot game it on my tv, maybe psp is better…

And well, the thing seems like “demonic” in its behaviour, but of course I cannot know what it really is. Other than that it is fucking ugly and painful information inside my head that should not be there in my opinion. It does make me believe that it is something when it is doing the violence to me, though. Maybe it could even be just some brain wirings in the spiritual domain of the brain that went havoc in mine, resulting in malfunction. I don’t care anymore, I have to admit, I only wish for the thing that I cannot attain…peace of mind…since 20 years…

I am glad that the thing only “forces” me to write my story in public forums, and not let me do any other things. Though I am of course in kind of a nonstop mental mill of the thing molesting me, seeming to want to make me obey to orders of the voices, or believe that I am somehow obliged to do something. Also it seems to try to drive me to spontaneous bad things, like uttering bad mood, or become angry of someone, or become overbearing, such stuff. It kind of tries to “drive” or “ride” me seemingly. Also it confronts me with trying to make me feel in the most superficial or ego centric moods, that look inside the mind like carricatures, though suble. I do not understand most of it, though. I refute everything, of course…I am most probably subject to asperger autism (though only a mild form), so I cannot understand what it is doing to me or what it wants from me…I normally don’t understand the ego-centric moods it keeps confronting me with at all, as they are totally contrary to my normal mode of being, which is more or less ego-less. Also it always tries to push me into wanting to become associated with other people, but I don’t like or trust humans in general…I like helping people, to make them happy, but I ever only wanted to be on my own definately, free from the strange ego crap that most people seem to be about, free to do what ever I please to. This has been a very strong feeling throughout my whole life - do choose freedom as only thing that is worth living, and within this freedom, to try to do only things that cause no suffering, to make the freedom worth it and stable and sane.